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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This relationship isn't going anywhere, is it?

9 replies

MyGrandmaToldYourGrandma · 08/01/2014 16:23

Please bear with me, this will probably get long.

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for 2 years. We met on the internet in October 2011, and 4 days later we met in person and hit it off straight away. We lived an hour apart by train. He drives, I do not. Both of us still live at home with our parents.

When we first met we had a lot of fun, saw each other every couple of days. We lost our virginity to each other one week after meeting (yes, both very late bloomers, he's my first boyfriend, he has had a few girlfriends but never been in love before).

A month later, his parents let me stay at his house. This involves sleeping on an airbed in the living room as he has two brothers, and shares a room with one of them.

This soon became a very regular occurrence and every Friday and Saturday night would be spent at his house.

Every Saturday night we go to the pub with his parents and one brother. His other brother is autistic and stays at home on the computer. There are no other pubs within walking distance and taxi's are too expensive for our budget, hence why we go the same pub as his parents. Staying at home at his house is not an option due to the other brother being there.

Sundays are spent hanging around waiting for his mum to cook the Sunday dinner. After dinner, I get the train home.

This is how it has been for 2 years.

We do have the occasional night or two away in a Travelodge, we went on holiday to Somerset in March 2012, and to Spain (with his family) in September 2013.

Now it comes to money. When we first met, I did no have a job and he was working between 7 and 15 hours a week.

In September 2012, he went back to college to do an access to higher education course. He got top marks in his class and in September 2013 started a 4 year course at university, in his home town.

Because of college and now university, he gets very little spare time so in order of seeing each other, it is me who visits him. My mum is very ill and likes to have peace and quiet at all times. This is another reason why I usually go to his house and not him to mine.

I desperately want us to get our own place but I am unemployed. I suffer with depression and it makes life very hard. I got a job in October 2012 and absolutely loved it but sadly it was only a Christmas job and it ended in December 2012. I was so lucky to get the same job again this year and was given a six month temporary contract, starting September 2013. However, one week before Christmas we (all Christmas temps) were told there were no more hours available and our last day was December 22nd. I was, still am, absolutely gutted. I had been saving up for a deposit on a rented place, and for money towards essentials in a house. However, back on JSA, I'm now spending that money.

DP is now working just 7 hours a week as it is all he can manage with his uni work. There is no money. It costs me £11.30 a week on the train (was £10.50, then £10.90, now £11.30)

All we do is argue due to lack of money. I want what I can't have. I want to be able to do things, but can't because of no money. I wanted to book a £9.50 sun holiday but we can't because of no money.

In July my 16-25 railcard ends, meaning trains will be £17 a week. This is something I just cannot afford.

I love him to bits, would lay down my life for him, and he feels the same about me, but we are going nowhere. We argue 2 or 3 times a week. He blames me, I blame him.

I'm desperately looking for a job, but there are none. In order to move to where he lives, I need a job to get my own place (I would share with other people to begin with) but to get my own place I need a job.

I feel we are going nowhere, we are seeing less and less of each other because of his uni work (one night every 2 weeks at the moment) but my love for him grows stronger each day.

I don't know what I'm expecting from writing this. It would kill me to be without him, I don't want to be without him. He's my everything.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 08/01/2014 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyGrandmaToldYourGrandma · 08/01/2014 16:39

If he had been a student when we first met, then I wouldn't have got in a relationship with him.

Whilst all we do is argue and rarely see each other, I can't imagine being without him and don't want to be with anybody else.

But I'm 27 this year, I want a family.

OP posts:
MyGrandmaToldYourGrandma · 08/01/2014 16:42

He is at uni 9-4 on a Monday, 10-3 on a Tuesday, 9-2 on a Wednesday, 9-4 on a Thursday, off on a Friday but spends the day doing uni work, Saturday he works 10-2, Sunday he is off and doing uni work.

It takes an hour to get to uni, an hour to get back.

As I said, we sleep on airbed in his living room. We have to wait for his family to go to bed before we can (and his younger brother stays until midnight), and then we are woken up when his parents get up at 8am.

His dad gets up at 6am in the week so even staying over on a Thursday night isn't practical as we are up so early.

OP posts:
ALittleBitOfChristmasMagic · 08/01/2014 17:46

I really don't think him being at uni is the problem . Think of all the students in the world who manage to be a student and a boyfriend/girlfriend and cope Just fine . He should definitely be able to make time for you especially considering he works so little , some full time students can work 20-30 hours per week on top of uni and studying .

EirikurNoromaour · 08/01/2014 18:01

You're living a mixture of a teenage life (sharing rooms with siblings, sleeping on air beds) and a middle aged life (Saturday night in the pub with the rents) and you are never going to reach the right stage of life in this situation. How much longer does he have at university?

WipsGlitter · 08/01/2014 18:09

It doesn't sound much fun to be honest. Why do you hang about waiting for dinner on a Sunday. Can you not go for a walk or a drive. Is there no cinema or something else?

Would you think about getting qualifications to get a better job?

Joysmum · 08/01/2014 18:23

When I was at uni I was working 16-20 hours a week, living with my boyfriend and we got married in the Easter School holidays!

Daft question, have you discussed your situation with him? Asked him what he'd like to happen and how you see things progressing?

Cabrinha · 08/01/2014 21:02

That sounds tough :(
Few things... I kind of see that it makes more sense for you to travel, as you have more time. But he should help pay for that - does he?
I'm sorry your mum is so ill - but why can't he come to you? It's only an hour. He can manage it to uni. Then he could stay over comfortably with you - you're not going to be noisy. You may be giving him excuses too easily not to make the effort.

Also - him being your everything... sounds lovely and all, but it's not healthy. Sounds like you've spent so much time with him - and his parents! Where are YOUR friends?

Whether this has a future or not, I think you need to branch out. Good luck. x

Lavenderhoney · 08/01/2014 21:07

My first thought is he shouldn't be your everything as that's very unhealthy in any relationship.

What does your dm do at weekends when you are not there? If you have been with him 2 years, she must have met him and be comfortable with him? You really are the one doing all the work to see him. Are you very sure you aren't going there weekends to escape? What would you do if you didn't go? See friends? Get a bar job and work weekends?

It doesn't sound much fun when you arrive either, tbh. You really need to look to yourself first and improving your life for you, by studying or taking a job that might require weekends, and making him work for your attention a bit.

Your current bf and situation is not one to start a family in, I'm so sorry. The only thing I can say is make a list, pretending you aren't with him, and you are single and decide what you want and what you would like to do, and do it. If he wants to see you, changing may be the thing that makes your situation change, but it must be all about what you want, not taking him into consideration. Think of yourself, for once.

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