how seriously do you take...

[StellaBrillante]

The continuous suggestion that one should leave or the seeking for reassurance? DP and I have had very few arguments since we've started dating but when we have, the "would you like me to leave?" or similar always comes up. It confuses me as I am looking at the issue in isolation, and it doesn't make me feel particularly secure, to be honest. I see it as a need for reassurance and confirmation but why turn the problem into something bigger?
Now we are supposed to be moving in together, we've had an argument and he's decided to stay at his place tonight. I've tried to talk but to no avail, and I am very disappointed. I had explained before that it makes me question whether this is what the future is going to be like and I don't want this sort of (pointless) drama in my life. Additionally (and most importantly) there is DS to consider and how I explain to him tonight why DP isn't here. Of course I can play it down but I shouldn't have to and I this is not how I want us to be treated. If there's a problem then let's solve it as a team and move on. Any thoughts or is this just a lovers' tiff and I am taking it too seriously?

This could be interpreted as a thinly veiled threat to end the relationship so manipulating one person into acquiescing to the other, or could equally be a perfectly healthy attempt to give you both space and defuse the situation until both parties have calmed down.

You need to examine it in the context of the rest of your relationship and your individual personalities, which will give you much more insight.

Hope you gain some clarity.

I would agree that "Right I am leaving" is very manipulative and only usually said when the leaver is losing the argument or obviously in the wrong. It is done to make you capitulate and take responsibility for the argument so they stay. My ex BF used to do this so in the end I said "Fine" and dumped him, we didnt live together thankfully and I would be seriously reconsider living with him until he packs this shit in.

Tell him on balance he should stay at his until you have had time to think about whether you want to live with him, or even be with him at all. That will take the wind out of his sails. Personally I think he sounds waaay too much like hard work. You have one DS, but this man sounds like a child too, throwing a tantrum when you dont do what he wants.

Dahlen thanks for your post. It all seems rather childish to me, to be honest, as on previous occasions DP would threaten to leave (or actually leave) but either not go anywhere or come back pretty much straight away. In fact, he seems to interpret my silence as though I don't care whether he goes or not but I've explained that I simply don't want all this drama to become a regular feature of our relationship. I do however think that it's highly insensitive when there is DP to consider (and he needs a positive, stable home environment not some yo-yo nonsense) and when we are supposed to be blending our lives together. Now I am the one who isn't feeling particularly reassured, especially since I've tried calling him a couple of times but he's not answering his phone.

And thinking about it, it is a small step from him doing this to you and doing it to your DS.

What if he struggles at first with living with a child (which is understandable) and then threatens to leave if your DS does something Manchild doesnt like? Your DS will be left thinking that Manchild leaving is his fault, when of course it isnt.

And now he isnt answering his phone? More punishment, made to create worry and panic so that you are so grateful when you finally do get hold of him (he wont ring you) that you are willing to forget what the original issue was.

Getting red flagitis from this thead...

Bogeyface Ha! That was just how I saw it with him trying to manipulate the situation. In all fairness, he's a fantastic man but when it comes to situations such as this one, he is (as you very well put it) bl**dy hard work. This is the first time that I've tried to reach out as I thought we could just quickly clear the air, whereas in the past I've just let him go or run around like a headless chicken. And I always (calmly, or occasionally angrily) point out that I never said anything about him leaving in the first place so why the nonsense. Oh goodness me, some people like their bit of drama.

Bogeyface agree! agree! I will just leave him to it, he's got some thinking to do. I tried to call twice and I sent him one text, that's plenty. He's texted back saying that I need to think about what I want...when it could all have been resolved with one conversation. Enough for today as I've got work to do and DS will be home soon. I was just wondering how seriously to take all of this although it's almost impossible for anyone to judge when I am putting it all here out of context. Thank you though

You need to think about what you want?! Tell him to fuck off! :o

Seriously what a tit! He creates a drama and then puts it all on your shoulders so you get to take the blame, and he can feel victimized until you crawl over broken glass to get him back?

Fuck. That.

Definitely emotional manipulation. Dramatic threats designed to get you running to his side saying 'come back of course I love you!! It's childish, petty and of course you should take it seriously. If he's this bad when you're only dating, it's not going to get better if you live together.

Be aware, if you do dump him he will probably threaten suicide, his type usually do.

If the context is that he is "bloody hard work" and a drama queen, I'd take it quite seriously TBH. Nothing more exhausting than living with someone who blows every disagreement out of all proportion. If you moved in together, his inability to escape to his own place could be replaced by a disappearing act, sulking, or angry outbursts.

I mentioned the angle about giving each other space because I am the sort of person who won't discuss things with someone who is ranting and raging at me, or if I am so angry I recognise my own inability to discuss something rationally. In this sort of situation, I will remove myself from the situation saying I am going for a walk or whatever and that we'll discuss it when we're both calm. I don't see that as manipulative as much as sensible, but this is definitely a last resort and I wouldn't leave if there was any chance or resolving the problem there and then. Also I would make it very clear that I was detaching from the current situation, not the relationship (unless it was an ongoing issue of such importance that it really could mean the end of the relationship).

I am a great believer in bringing up issues before they become enough of a flashpoint to either party to cause a row. Sounds to me like you are too. You'd probably be much happier with someone like-minded.

Thank you both! And yes, it does need to be taken seriously as in addition to the unnecessary drama that it creates, nothing positive will ever come out of this type of situation.
I am just doing nothing for now and haven't replied to his last text. It was either pointing out the obvious (what on earth have I done?) or asking to show his face which I am not going to do. So I am going to put this aside and have a pleasant evening with DS When he's decided to be grow up and talk then we will have a proper conversation about all of this.

It's brinkmanship. If the row is about something he doesn't want to discuss, he ramps up the stakes so it becomes about ending the relationship, in a hollow and unconvincing way, because neither of you really feel your relationship has reached any sort of conclusion. Then there is a reconciliation, relief on your part, nice things said. Bingo, irritating topic off the table.

That's what I've encountered anyway, obviously it may not ring true for you.

Agree its manipulation.
My ex used to do this in the early days if I ever brought up something about his behaviour that he knew was wrong but didnt want to change/discuss. He used to say he wasnt sure about the marriage and then I would backtrack because it made me insecure and worried, and it derailed the conversation into talking about him not leaving and away from what he didnt want to talk about.

Ironically the thing he didnt want to talk about most usually was something I should have dumped him for anyway, but this manipulation kept me too insecure to see that clearly at the time.

I suppose that also begs the question as to whether the discussion was about a subject that was worth breaking up over? If it was because of some kind of twattery, then maybe his manipulations might have done you a favour.

Actually scratch that. Anyone who plays the 'Do you think I should leave/ I am not sure I want to be in the relationship' line to back out of an argument deserves to be taken up on their offer.....