Ok so I'm new on this site and came here as I really have no one to talk to about this and have no idea what to do.
I have a 2 1/2 yr old son from a past marriage where my ex was very abusive & violent to me, we split when my son was 6 months old and hes never been in contact since. Shortly after my son's 1st birthday I met my current partner, he has 2 children from a previous relationship (one of which isn't actually his but hes brought her up from 3 yrs old so classes her as his own) Anyway, my little boy has grown to think of him as a dad and we've had a great relationship, well we did for a yr, then in june he suddenly split with me saying he simply wanted to be single, no real reason to it. But I was so heartbroken and confused as things had been going great and as far as I was concerned we were really happy together.
Well after 5/6 wks apart I found out I was pregnant which came as a massive surprise as I was on the pill and never missed it. He didn't want more children and I was unsure if I would like more in the future, but certainly wasn't hoping to get pregnant any time soon. So when I phoned him and said I needed to talk, his immediate response was "you're not pregnant are you?" And then followed about a month of him trying to persuade me to have an abortion saying he really did not want another child and wasn't going to get back with me regardless. He also started accusing me or deliberately getting pregnant to "keep him". Well anyway, I wasn't going to get rid of my baby no matter what he said, and over time he came round to the idea. We started spending time together and then got back in to a relationship late October.
Things have been going great. Although we don't live together, we have been spending so much time together when hes not at work and been like a proper little family. Only last week we went pram shopping and he started decorating the nursery. But last Thursday evening, we were looking online at baby things on his phone. He clicked on the search bar and as often happens, it comes up with things u have previously searched for online. So I was horrified when he clicked and I saw the terms "raped" and "abused" come up. I instantly felt sick and numb to the core. Now I know he watches porn sometimes and I don't really have a problem with that but this was something else.
I didn't know what to say to him so I just sat there and ignored it like pretending I hadn't noticed. But for the rest of the night I couldn't bring myself to look at him, until we were in bed sleeping, well he was and I was just lying there awake staring at him thinking what the ??? The reason this gets to me so bad is because as I said, my ex husband abused me for years and raped me on 2 occasions, all of which my partner knows about and has been very comforting and supportive about. So then I have all these things going round in my head, like is this just some porn fetish or real life? would he do this to me? I'd always felt safe with him but now I don't at all.
Well I decided not to say anything for now, 1 because I didn't know how I would even bring this up and 2 because im due to give birth in 8 wks and don't think I can handle all of this right now, so I sort of felt like maybe I would just stay quiet for now and deal with this some other time. But there was something else I saw on his phone that same time, a website, and I initially just assumed it was porn. However it started going thru my head "what if its something else, a sex site, or something similar" So on Monday while he was working and my son was at nursery I came online and typed it in and honestly I was just so devastated when it came up as a webcam site.
I felt that awful cold, sick feeling go right through my body, like being punched hard in the stomach. He had been going on a site where u basically masturbate or whatever on camera to others who are doing the same. You can talk to them too, and message people. I just felt distraught. I never ever imagined he would do something like that. In my opinion, that is cheating. Porn is porn, u just watch, but to interact with people sexually, well whether its in reality or online, its something u should only do with your partner, and he had done it with God only knows how many people online, so I felt so betrayed and cheated and heartbroken.
That evening I arranged for my mum to have my son for a bit and told him we needed to talk. I really didn't know how to bring this up, but when I told him I had seen something on his phone, he was asking what and I just sat there not knowing how to say it. Then suddenly he said "im guessing it was messages from (this girl)" Well, this particular girl was someone who we both knew and who had flirted with him openly infront of my face and also on facebook several times. And I mean extreme flirting, like we were out once and saw her and she was talking to him and then said she had sexy new knickers on, would he like to see them as she started bending over in front of him! He knew how much it bothered me and promised me he wouldn't speak to her privately or anything & would tell me if she ever started chatting to him. But clearly he hadn't.
So this was all something new to me too! He said all she messaged was happy new yr and asking how long till the baby was due etc, but when I asked him to show me he said he had deleted the messages. Now he NEVER deletes his messages, so this made me furious. And not only that, he said she messaged him in the early hours of new yr, while I was asleep but he stayed up and he was very drunk. So this was just something new to deal with too, feeling like what would they have said to each other. I feel so humiliated by it, even if it was an innocent convo, why delete it? why not tell me about it? His answer, because he didn't want me to kick off!
Anyway, after that I told him everything I had seen. He said the rape thing was just a one off and he was just in the mood for something a bit different. Im not sure if I believe that but I told him how awful it felt to me as I had been through that myself and he knew about it. I told him I was scared around him now too. And as for the cams, well he said he had been going on that site long before he met me, like that made it ok. So I discovered he had gone on it throughout our whole relationship, he said he didn't keep count of how many times, which makes me think quite often then! I told him I felt so cheated and betrayed and although at first he was saying its no different to watching porn, when I asked him how he would feel if I was doing that with other men, he quickly said he would go mad, so I think he kind of saw how I felt it was being unfaithful. He also swore he had never messaged anyone, swapped numbers or talked about meeting up. But that doesn't make it ok.
After about 4 hours of talking/arguing/crying I asked him to leave, said I needed some time to think and haven't seen him since. The thing is, I know If I wasn't pregnant I would've ended it. The trust has gone now, completely. Last night he was messaging me and I just found myself asking "where are u? who are u with? are u messaging anyone?" etc etc and I HATE being like that, but cant help myself now. Hes been really apologetic in the txts we have sent each other. He still says he doesn't think its that bad though but he says hes really truly sorry for causing me so much pain and really hopes I can forgive him, and it wont happen again etc etc. My ex husband cheated a lot and so ive found it hard to trust someone anyway, but I pretty much did trust him, not 100% no, but a lot, I certainly didn't question him all the time or things like that, even though sometimes I wanted to.
So I just don't know what to do. I am so confused and heartbroken and it hurts so so bad. I know if I end it, hes still gonna be around a lot, as we need to buy things still, decorate, midwife appointments, and not forgetting the birth and once shes here! So in many ways I feel like I should just carry on for now at least and see how it goes. I also want so badly for my children to have a proper family. My little boy is constantly asking where "daddy" is, and I keep saying hes at work. But I know how upset he will be if we aren't together any more. And I want my daughter to have a chance at having a normal family. I really do not know what to do. I know many people would say just end it etc but its just not that simple.
Sorry its been a massive essay, just like I said I have no one I can talk to about this, my ex isolated me from all my friends over the years and not close to my family either. I'd just really appreciate any advice or anyone to talk to about this as I feel so alone and im trying so hard to hold it together for my childrens sake, but when my sons at nursery or asleep im just in bits. Cant sleep, lost my appetite and having to force things down for the babys sake. So if anyone has actually read all this then im greatful of any advice or just anything really.