any ideas on how to stop loving someone?

[fostermum]

hi all,any one with a long memory will know me from last year,went to new zealand to be with a man who once i was there decided he had commitment issues,or changed his mind as i like to call it,but six months on he still fills most of my waking moment,i still wait for his odd txts,i still love him more then ive ever loved any one help when will this stop!

I went clubbing and realised that he didnt deserve me and that i would find someone else. It helped me but might not help you. I also thought about what i missed and it wasnt much at all but i know even when all the shit happened that i was better off without him. Do you think you are better without him.

Can you make plans on your own.

i know i miss him,he was a swine to me but he also was good to me, we have known each other for 25 yrs and where engaged once,we found each other again last year ,thought we felt the same i sold everything left my kids and went out to be with him,i can make plans but nothing holds any interest with out him anymore,im pritty sad arnt i?

you sold everything and left your kids and then he let you down... that is awful. No wonder you can't just put it aside and move on, that must have hurt so much. I think perhaps you can't really believe it all happened the way it did. Are you feeling a bit numb? Six months is not a long time to get over someone, it takes me longer than that

i feel numb somedays,others i feel like my hearts being ripped out, we chat on line i get the odd txt from him,he says i will always be his best friend and hes sorry he cant commit to anyone,i just want to stop hurting

Write a list of all teh crap things he has ever done to you and how it made you feel.
Write another list of all you have to offer a relationship and all that you want.
Cut off all contact so you are never waiting for the odd text. Keep very busy, exercising, socialising and at work.
Open your eyes to the possibility of loving someone else who deserves and appreciates your love.
Finally go and find that person!
So sorry you have been through the mill but time really does heal I promise.

its not as if i sit around doing nothing im nursing both my parents,my dad is terminally ill,i have a large family,and ive volentered to work at a homeless shelter,ive lots of friends just it all seems so empty

Sorry to hear about your parents... sounds like you are very busy already!
Do you have things to look forward to, holidays etc?
I would seriously think about cutting contact though, I found everytime my ex texted me I was reminded of why i loved him. After a couple of weeks of no texts I felt the feelings fade...

Are you really convinced in your own mind that it is over, FM? Or are you hanging on to it, thinking that it might just work out after all?

dont think i will ever stop hopeing for a mirical

I thought I loved someone who couldn't commit to me too - I didn't know him as long as you have known your guy though.

The way I stopped loving him (BTW I don't actually call it love anymore - it was more like a fantasy I had built in my head of what my life with him would be like) was to imagine what my life would have been like with him in it. I stopped fantasising (well not so often) about what I wanted it to be and really thought about how it would be with him as he was - not as I wanted him to be. It took a long time though - about 3 years for me to only think about him occasionally with any sort of regret - any other thought was always 'boy I'm glad I'm out of that one'. In the meantime - 'act as if' so keep your options truly open and if you do meet someone else give them a chance - DO NOT compare them if you find you can't stop comparing them then you are not ready for a new relationship yet- It takes time but it will happen and with some work from you it can happen a bit quicker - if you really want it to.

Fostermum - It seems to me that your last line says it all - If you want to stop wanting him you probably can with time though you need to allow yourself time to grieve for the death of a dream- but the reality is many of us don't want to stop wanting IYSWIM. If that is the case that is OK - just recognise it for what it is.

The truth is you could not have had a good life/relationship with someone who does not want to have one with you - That is fact. Your dreams about what your life could have been with him are just that dreams. That does not mean he will never change his mind - who knows what people will do but whether you put your emotional life on hold waiting for him is up to you.

Resolve not to commit to anyone else until you find someone you love more than him. Use him as a marker for a relationship that's not good enough. You can't trust your heart for this sort of thing, so trust only your head.

Your love doesn't have a life of it's own, take control, you decide where you bestow it. You don't have to obey fickle feelings. Think yourself out of it. Want better for yourself.

I think the only thing is time, sometimes its a very very long time especially if its a bad time in your life we all cling on to something that maybe we shouldn't. I've been there and it really did my head in and it took a few years but then I fell in love with someone else who also loved me and I finally feel truely happy.
The feelings will slowly fade eventually its so hard. Big hugs you know you deserve to love someone who loves you back.

he must of felt something to pay for me to go over there twice in six months,but his whole life is tied up in his businesses,im not going to put my life on hold i just wish it would stop hurting so much