need some handholding & advice

[firstpglivingabroad]

Hi everyone. As my username says I'm living abroad, in Asia. I'm 13+2 and still very much suffering 1st trimester symptoms. I'm 37 and have found being pregnant whilst holding down a fulltime stressful job v v difficult indeed.

PG wasn't planned and a huge shock to my DP and me. Our relationship is new. We'd been friends for 2 years and got together end September on a friend's holiday, he is between jobs at the moment and came from the holiday to Asia to see if things could work out between us. They were working well - so well that I resigned from my job so I could go with him to another country where he was being offered work. Lazy contraception and next thing you know..... It's been a period of adjustment but termination wasn't an option, we did discuss briefly.

Now I have not been easy to live with I get that. And I've apologised more than once for coming home and collapsing with exhaustion & nausea. And so emotional. DH hasn't been working and has been a bit bored, but my sympathy was limited.

2 days before Xmas, 36h into a much needed holiday he decided to tell me he wasn't happy about my PG. Wished it hadn't happened, accused me of forcing him to bring an unwanted & unloved child into the world. I cried. A lot. He went to the pub. 2 days in a row (lots of shouting (him) and crying (me) inbetween). So I booked a flight home. Sat for 10 days over the holiday waiting for hiim - he said he'd be following me home. He didn't.

I've been back at work since Monday. Had the nuchal fold scan that morning and all was fine - saw baby move and wave which was amazing. Work still tough and I"m still exhausted. Just got home and found a note. He's gone back to the UK. Switched his local phone off so I can't reach him. Took all his things when he knew I was at work, left me my keys. I don't know what to do. I have a job for another 5 weeks. A visa here for another 7 weeks. Then I'm unemployed and 5 months pregnant and on my own. I don't think I'm entitled to much in the UK as have been away for 4 years (paid tax for 12 years before that, but...). I'm in a mess at the moment and looking for any advice that anyone can give me.

Sorry this is so long - thank you if you're still reading. xx

I wish I knew what to say...Oh lovely, I am so sorry....

I can hold your hand very tight though till someone comes along who is much more knowledgeable than I...

I don't think that being abroad for 4 years will affect your entitlement to help in the uk. Do you have any savings or family here?

thank you both. My savings are tied up - I never expected to need them so invested in schemes I can't touch so that I didn't waste the money. It's not a huge amount anyway. My retired parents are in the UK. I can stay with them for a short time. Otherwise no family other than DP's - who I haven't met, but will reach out to if I need the help.

Very difficult for you, I know first hand how shocking an unplanned pregnancy can be, although without all your complications.

First, are you committed to casrrying on with your pregnancy alone? You can't make any other decisions before this one.

Then, where do you want to bring the child up, if you do keep the pregnancy?

Can't give you advise really, apart from that you have to make those decisions in that order! The way I try and make decisions is first, to recognize that you may not have a good choice ie. to go back and undo things. Then, which is the least bad? Which w would you regret least on your deathbed?

No one else can help with these, only you know whether you want to bring up a child, whether your job / life in Asia is a long held dream etc.

Difficult times for you! It isn't the easy times in life that show us who we really are.

"I don't think I'm entitled to much in the UK as have been away for 4 years"

If you're a British citizen you could slot right back into British society and there would actually be quite a lot of state help available to you until you can get back on your feet. I'm sorry you're in this spot and it must be very stressful but there is hope. In addition to state help, your UK-based ex partner would also have some financial responsibility for the child. Good luck.

thanks. I think these are the only two questions I do have the answers for. I've already quit my job in Asia so staying here isn't an option. As of early March I'll be back in the UK. I'm already 13+3 and though (where I live now) termination on non-medical grounds is still legal it's not something I could personally live with. I'm 37 and this will be my only chance of having a child I think. A chance I thought would never arise. It will be tough, and I realise I don't know how tough. But having seen the baby moving, waving and hearing the hb I can't consider termination. London will then be where I go - with my parents for a short time until I sort myself out (hopefully with some financial help from DP). I have friends and a support network there so it's the only UK option open to me. I guess once I'm back I can find out what I may be entitled to. I paid tax for over 10 years so hope I can get something back.

and thank you too - unfortunately the ex is a UK national but not UK based. Legally I don't think I can make him be responsible for anything. I hope he will be do the decent thing.

Most benefits are not dependent on you having paid tax in. You wouldn't qualify for something like contribution-based JSA but everything else would be open to you. I'm sure you would find employment pretty quickly with your experience but, in the meantime, have a look at the benefits checker at www.turn2us.org.uk and run a 'what if'.

On the exP contribution/parental responsibility aspect it would certainly be worth taking legal advice once your baby arrives.

C-E-Sometimes - thank you v much, I didn't know that site. If I've done everything properly then it's v encouraging and I won't be on the street. When I get back to the UK I'll be going to talk to the right people about this and find out exactly what I am entitled to. And yes, I will get legal advice. The baby will be the only grandchild on the exP side of the family and he always said they would want to be involved, I would hope that would help.

It's nice idea but, if your exP wants his parents involved, that's really for him to arrange. You're going to have quite a lot on your plate in due course & in-laws can be trying at the best of times. Throw in the awkwardness of knowing their own DS left you high and dry calling your baby 'unwanted and unloved' - plus whatever yarn he's spun them about why you broke up - and you might find they're not as helpful as you imagine.

I've been a lone parent since birth and it is challenging but do-able. My advice is that you will need to conserve your emotional and physical energy to make it work. This involves being utterly ruthless about who you involve in your life, who you depend upon, and you must be 100% certain they are loyal, helpful and have you & your baby's best interests at heart. Genetics don't count.