Coping with twins as a single mum

[lostkiwi]

Hi. I would really appreciate advice from any other mums who have been through anything similar. I am 11 weeks pregnant with twins and came home from a 2 week xmas holiday in NZ to discover another womans hold up stocking in my jumper drawer. My partner first tried to claim it was his 6 year old daughters then got angry with me and said I need to apologise to him (?!?!) and have a long hard think about how it got there. No need to think. He has lied about lots of stuff (big and small) in our brief relationship and I feel relieved its over in away as he was making me very anxious and unhappy which is not good for the babies.

8 weeks ago I had a feeling he was lying to me about who he meeting and when I realised he had switched off his phone I decided to go past the bar (I don't normally act like a psycho). He was with a female 'friend' not the guy he said he was meeting. 2 weeks later he disappeared from 7pm to midnight and turned his phone off the whole time. He apparently took a male friend to dinner at a themed restaurant I had told him about.

I am scared about being a single parent to twins and have felt really unwell through my pregnancy with lots of aches and pains which are only going to get worse.

The other issue is that if I have the babies here he could apply for parental responsibility (I wont be putting his name on the birth certificate) and stop me moving to NZ/Australia where I would have support from my family. I don't really want to move as all my friends and career is in London. My mum will probably come over for a few months to help out and I guess I have to get an au pair (cheaper than a nanny) to help after that.

I think he will avoid supporting us financially as he works sporadically and lives off his savings (ex trader). His accountant will probably claim he has minimal income despite renting in Knightsbridge and owning several properties.

I don't qualify for maternity leave or benefits. I have been told most twin mums cant work in the last trimester even if they want to. That means I have to live off savings for at least 6 months. Even if I hire a au pair do you think I will realistically be able to go back to work after 3 months? I would prefer to stay at home but financially wont be able to :(

I am also concerned about his behaviour around his daughter. He is so bitter about his ex that the daughter has to refer to her mother as the person we don't talk about. He tells her she is smarter than her mother so she should do whatever she wants and not to listen to her mother who she lives with 10/14 days. He also feeds her lots of junk food and bribes her with excessive amounts of chocolate even though she is overweight. I could go on...

Can I stop him introducing our babies to casual partners? He tried to introduce me to her after only 2 weeks of dating but I refused as I thought it was way too soon. On the first day we met she said I could be her new mummy and has been excessively affectionate towards me ever since. Kids do like me but it doesn't seem normal.

Any words of advice appreciated.

I think you should get legal advice. You are not married and don't have any children together if I read that right, and you may be in a stronger position as a result... ironically. If you stay in the UK contact with the new babies would be extremely limited to begin with out of necessity. You may find that caring for twins and an older DD doesn't sound so appealing to him in reality. You can't ban someone from introducing children to future partners unless there is some very serious reason why not

His behaviour concerning his ex is particularly revealing. Bad-mouthing exes and using a child as a weapon are 'red flags' of abusive tendencies more generally. Someone who blames others rather than take responsibility for shortcomings is a very unpleasant person who will eventually blame you in due course. Liars are not to be tolerated. Probably giving his new woman the 'my girlfriend doesn't understand me' routine already.

So I'm sorry you're in this situation but do get legal advice so that you can properly get out. His DD is her DM's concern, unfortunately

You can't leave babies with an au pair. The recommendation is not under 2 years and an au pair only works max 25 hrs a week. They are usually 17/18/19 year olds with no experience.

An ofsted nanny is what you would need. You can pay for part of their wage with government vouchers if your eligible

Oh OP sorry to hear things are such a mess when you are pregnant and expecting twins is stressful.
I'm not much use on advice about your horrible cheating man - get rid I say and he's hardly being any example of good dad potential so your twins are better off without. Anyway, it's your relationship.
But I'll say yes you're right, by the last trimester you'll be uncomfortable to say the least. I also think returning to work when they're 3 months old will be extremely difficult. With mine I was still up in the night and exhausted. The tiredness is crippling as you've twice as much to do in half the time. By 6 months old I felt much better and went back to work part time. Hope that's a bit helpful.

OP please don't let practical difficulties of being a solo new mother of twins hold you back from rejecting this man. Whatever challenges new babies present and whatever changes you need to make in your life to deal with those challenges, being with someone who despises you will only make it worse.

OP I think you have a lot of issues to deal with but IMO the main issue is that your family are in NZ and the only time you'll get complete choice to go there without your ex blocking you/preventing you leaving is before your babies arrive. You could be stopped from freely moving home for 18 years potentially. If you have a strong reliable support network here, and you can accept the restriction on your ability to go home when you want, then that might not be such a pressing issue. But if you are without a good support network I think you would be best to consider going home to family to have your babies.

Your ex sounds like he will make your life more difficult and I think dealing with 2 babies alone will be enough hard work without him making it worse.

Hi op.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I hate to say this and I'm sure someone will rightly be along to flame me but

In your position I would move home now. You will need a support network if you don't not have that here then you must go to where it is.
I am a single parent to 1 dd, until recently my support network was 500 miles away. It was a miserable, unhealthy existence for both me and my baby.

Also something isn't right with your financial forecast I suggest you visit the citizens advice

I agree with everyone, having one baby was hard for me, having two on my own away from my support network would be impossible. I know you have friends in London but realistically they will not be helping all night with night feeds, holding a crying colicy baby, and if you have a mum and extended family who would help out, I would go there.

This man sounds really awful and you sound relieved to be out of it. I would get legal advice as the first poster said, and don't make unrealistic plans, like that you will be able to work again at 3 months- you may, but you may not. Also, as others have said, an au pair may not be enough help for you, although if you are there full-time and your mum is there, a few hours a day extra help may be all you require, but I don't think they can be left with sole care of a baby which is what you would need (while you look after the other one!)

Hope you sort this out, just get away from this man, he's going to turn on you like he has turned on the mother of his existing child and the best thing you can do is get parental responsibility, help, and be able to travel without his permission secured before you give birth or shortly afterwards.

I also think, that if i was in your position, i would go back to NZ.

that man sounds horrid. Its debatable whether he will be involved with your twins or not. But given the way he abuses his existing dd, i think getting your babies far out of his reach will be a good thing. And he does sound like someone who would make it difficult for you to leave the UK in the future

My dsis has twins. Based on her experience, i say you should be with your family

there are 'twin forums' which might be helpful?

sorry you have such a hard decision to make x

I'm so sorry your going through this. You sound very logical and sensible and you are doing the right thing for yourself and your twins by walking away from him.
I'm not a single mum but I do have 2 year old twin girls. In my experience the first year is extremely hard, even with a supportive partner and there's no way I could have returned to work until they were a year old. On the plus side I worked until 35 weeks... But I was HUGE and very breathless. I'd say you'll really need your mum living with you for the first year or return to New Zealand (what a beautiful place to bring up children!)

Good luck with your pregnancy

I have twins and I seriously think you should consider being closer to people who would be able to and want to help you on a regular basis.

I started maternity leave early but I could've worked till a normal time - the only issue I had was mobility, I would be worn out walking very quickly and wouldn't have been able to commute to work and lack of sleep from being uncomfortable at night.

I am not a single mother but I have found having twins very challenging and have needed to support of family and friends.

Sorry you're in this position.

I would agree with moving back to NZ in all honesty.
An old school friend of mine found herself a single Mum of twins at the grand old age of 15. She thankfully had a large support network of close family and trusted friends, which were invaluable to her during both her pregnancy and afterwards.
Her twins are beautiful caring 21 year olds now ( God knows where the time went!) and an absolute credit to their Mum.
Congratulations and good luck

rightsofwomen.org

they will give you good, free legal advice

congratulations! you will find a solution and have two beautiful babies

A friend of mine has been a SM of twins since they were born (they are now about 10 months). She didn't go outside for about three months after they were born because she couldn't get it together (not a failing on her part, just SO much work.) He mum lives close by and is an absolute lifeline. She is permanently tired and can't go back to work for ages because of childcare costs.

I'm also an SM of a little boy who hasn't seen his father since about 6 weeks after he was born. In the circumstances, and having received support following the relationship, I am convinved that it is the best thing for my son not to see his father due to his father's domestic abuse, constant failing relationships and inability to provide for his children. He has an appalling relationship with his ex (mother of his first child) which is all his own fault.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that all the signs point to the fact that you would be better off in NZ in the care of your family and should not feel as though you ought to remain with him (he sounds like an absolute car crash) or in the UK for his purposes.

I wish you very, very good luck. :)

Echoing everyone else. I think the best advice you've received here is that you should go back to NZ before the babies arrive and before you can no longer fly. A support network is invaluable especially with twins.

Also consider that your circumstances make you slightly more of a risk for PND, which hopefully won't strike you, but I wouldn't like for you to not have support IF it did affect you.

Best of luck.

From the bottom of my heart i'd say go home too. I don't have twin or single parent experience, but even in a comparably 'easy' scenario I sometimes wish I'd gone home to have mine so I held the power, just in case. Doesn't sound very optimistic I know! You can always come back (massive upheaval I know) once you know what's what. Just keep an eye on what qualifies as 'habitual residence' wherever you want to live, as that determines the laws applied. It's late and I'm not being very succinct, but that's what my lawyer friend told me.

Hi there, congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I'm 17 weeks with my first baby and my partner left after we found out I was pregnant even though we had always planned a family (I'm 36, he is 31) and had been together 6 years. Am now going through pregnancy alone, havent heard from him or his family, and also considering where to live ie, do I stay in London near my job, finances, returning to work etc. So just wanted to say, even though our circumstances are different lots of women get dumped on when they are vulnerable and least expect it and you are not alone. I hope you get the support you need - agree with the other ladies here, you will need your mamma - so get legal advice (not being married will be in your favour) think about yourself and your babies and try not to let him ruin this special time. Good luck and best wishes

speaking as a single mother of twins your best move now imo would be fly home while you can and be near your family and old friends. cut this waste of space out of your life.

Could you work out your financial position and go back to NZ for say a year, so your babies are born over there? Would you be entitled to maternity benefits over there? Could you ask your employers here for a sabbatical or something - so you can come back? Just to protect the position of your babies which may be more important long term. You wouldn't want to be in a position where if you later decided you did want to go back to NZ that you couldn't because of the babies being born here.
What a horrible situation to be in.
Agree you may need some advice on habitual residence. It may be worth paying for an hour of time from a family lawyer with knowledge of international issues.

Definitely fly back to NZ while you still can. I can't stress enough how crap it is to be beholden to a person/geographical area for 18 or so years.