Counselling and food for thought

[Nottynosey]

I posted early December about how I had chucked my husband out because I was sick of his awful, selfish behaviour.

I got a lot of support here from you and you helped me see he was emotionally abusive.

Please don't flame me, but I did go against advice and attend relationship counselling with him. This was mainly to buy me some time as he was not giving me the space I asked for and I am stuck in the house until next week. I guess I have been going to tick a box and to make life at home more bearable. I mentally prepared myself to let any manipulation wash over me.

I told them both I wasn't there to work on the relationship, I was there to see if there was any chance he could change enough for me to consider it.

We had three sessions, which I felt surprisingly good about. I really rate the counsellor. A couple of times when He tried to tell me how to feel she called him up on it so I was impressed.

At the same time he decided to go to an individual therapist, as he recently admitted our dire sex life was due to the fact he compulsively masterbates. Plus he is so dreadfully unhappy in general. News to me, but hey ho!

Two weeks ago she said she felt he was not opening up and suggested we both have one individual session with her each to try and encourage him to be more honest. He didnt want to.

Last week she said she was unhappy counselling us together if he was having this individual "person centred" therapy because she still felt he was holding back and this might be a reason. She suggested I have a session by myself with her.

So I went on my own yesterday and she said she feels she can't really proceed with us because she believes he is bordering on emotionally abusive and he is not being entirely honest about his sexual behaviour. She said she feels he is there to win me back and not because he really wants to engage and deal with issues.

She asked if I knew if he had experimented sexually with men?

She said she feels there is something he is scared to disclose and is not engaged. She said she might be wrong but she has a gut feeling it is something of this nature.

This is obviously my ticket to walk away from therapy and walk away from the relationship, which I am going to do.

But it's all just playing in my mind. I always thought there was something more to him. I used to snoop but I never found anything concrete, a few strange things but nothing incriminating. It might be he is gay or something else.

He lost interest in me sexually quite early in hindsight. There was never really any "phwoar come here, let me take you" from him. He rejected me a lot. He has been very uncaring for a long time. Physical affection is not really his thing most of the time, although there was times he was affectionate and we did have sex. Although he did lose his erection a few times.

But he doesn't like musicals or any of the other stereotypes.
Why the hell is still so insistent I give him another chance if he doesn't really want me?

I just feel like I need answers so I can move on. Currently I feel like a big failure. Knowledge is power and all that.

Anybody any wisdom or experiences?

God I'm sorry, this is epic!!

One of the reasons she started thinking like this is because he seemed repulsed/scared/traumatised when talking about my pregnancy ie. my pregnant body and labour.

Do men really get like this?

I'm very surprised the counsellor revealed as much as you describe. Seems a major breach of confidentiality. In fact I'd go so far to say that 'experimented with men' is a not-so-subtle way of her telling you that she thinks he's gay.

Why does he still want to try again if he's gay? Emotionally abusive people are motivated by the feeling of control, not love.

I think if you wait for answers you'll never move on. Far better to act first, create a solid base for yourself, embrace independence and then you'll be more resilient for any future revelations.

Thanks cog, but how is it a breach of confidentiality?

She is our joint counsellor and has said most of what she said in the last session with him. Although the question about other men was just yesterday. Imwas quite surprised too TBF, I expected her to not really want to talk about him.

I know what you say is right, but I am just finding it so hard. The last few years have just been a massive waste of time.

And wouldn't there have been more signs if he is gay?

Has this counsellor had an individual session alone with your DH?

From what you have written it seems not.

If she hasn't, how on earth can she claim that he is gay?

There are many men that have a lower sex drive than their partners - this DOES NOT mean that they are gay. Although it does mean that there are probably a lot of issues that you BOTH need to deal with. Men with low sex drives do often find it easier to just masturbate rather than have sex with their partner.

Here is a thread where a lot of women have posted about their partners not having sex with them and the issues surrounding it:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1953405-To-want-more-sex?

If your ex had an individual counselling session in which he revealed something, I'm not sure it's ethical of her to tell you what was said unless she had his express permission. Would you be so open with her if you thought she was telling him all your inner secrets? Perhaps it's common practice... I'm not up to speed.

As for signs of being gay, I've known three married men who subsequently came out. Two were camp as a row of tents and it came as no surprise to anyone except their DWs. The third I'd have bet hard cash was straight... he was about as far from any of the stereotypes as it's possible to get.

And wouldn't there have been more signs if he is gay?

Not if he has his attraction to men well and truly locked in a safe-box, no.

I have to say, your comment about musicals shows huge ignorance ... gay people come in all shapes and sizes, creeds and colours, classes, educational backgrounds ... in fact, they are as varied as straight people!

But, I do find it odd that your counsellor shared this embryonic thought with you. There could be any number of things he is hiding and there could be all sorts of reasons why he finds a pregnant woman repulsive, including that he is a simple, old-fashioned misogynist of the most obnoxious kind.

I don't think you'll help yourself by worrying away at this: he is abusive, you have split, the inside of his head is no longer your concern.

Honestly Notty, I was in your shoes. Stop trying to work him out. Head up and walk away. Gay, straight or striped pink and purple and answering to Hilary Valerie Slapcabbage, it makes not one bit of difference to the way he has treated you and made you feel. Think of the what, not the why. He is not worth this much emotional investment. He may be trying to win you back whilst being gay because of the convenience factor alone. You cook, wash, mop, clean and shop, he wanks! Convenient! Never worth the brain calories the why of it. You deserve better .

His individual counselling sessions are with another counsellor. Our joint counsellor offered us both an individual session to encourage him to open up. He didnt go to his, I went to mine.

She did tell us beforehand that anything mentioned in our individual sessions that hadn't been discussed would be talked about in our subsequent joint session.

I'm not sure if this is how it's supposed to be done, but I do trust her.

parole yeah it was an ill judged comment but was actually supposed to be tongue in cheek. I've been googling signs your husband is gay and they keep listing things like musicals pop culture and spending time on appearance. I know that is a sterotypical view and absolutely not what all gay men are like.

The counsellor didnt say directly she thought he was gay. She asked about the experimentation with men. I think It is a possibility because I have long since thought he is hiding something.

Maybe what goes on in his head shouldn't be a concern of mine anymore lk,e you say, but as it has shaped how I have been treated in the last couple years, it's driving me crazy.

His sexuality or reasons fir his pursuit of you now you're ending things aren't the main things here. She also said he is emotionally abusive, which you knew, and gave you a general message that he's Bad News.

So you're / he's moving out in a week? That's really good. Perhaps focus on practicalities and getting set up well for yourself, escaping him (Freedom Programme?). You'll need all your mental energy for YOU.

Hope 2014 is a good year for you, and that you do LTB.

Haha! Thanks dinna, I know you're right. I just so badly want to understand how it all got here. I feel like I will never be able to get close to anybody again, let alone ever have another baby. And I just feel so sad.

If he's gay, he's gay. If he's emotionally abusive, he's emotionally abusive. The two are not necessarily linked. BTW.. the 'experimentation' remark is counsellor-speak for 'I think he's gay'

Yes loopy I am moving out next week. I'm nearly packed. I've bought lots of lovely things for DD's room. I've got a new job. I've been so busy getting everything ready and I am looking forward to it.

But today I am so confused. Need to get a grip.

I did wonder if the way he has been treating me might be because of his inner torment if he was.

I asked why she thought that and she said she just thinks he is not saying something about his sexual behaviour and her gut feeling is its that.

Actually thinking about it, it probably was inappropriate.

Nottynosey- what was it DH did to make you suspicious in the past? Was it anything significant?

I completely understand why you want answers I'd be exactly the same

Ive not been suspicious hes gay as such, just somethingnotnquite right.

Last year, I just got really suspicious about the no sex thing. We hadn't done it for so long and actually only wanted to when he was trying to persuade me to have another baby.

We only did it a couple of times since DD was born but it took me a long time to arose him, IYSWIM and I just wondered why he never seemed to have any urges.

I did some snooping and found a secret email which was linked to a secret Facebook account. He had taken on the identity of a schoolboy in America and made friends with a few of this boy's classmates.

At first I was horrified and wondered what the hell I'd found but there was no pictures, no messages, nothing. So nothing incriminating but it just wasn't "right".

That is very odd about the American schoolboy on Facebook, have you ever confronted him? Or did you tell the counsellor?

I haven't confronted him about it before. TBH I wanted to see if anything else cropped up but it didnt.

I mentioned it to the counsellor and it seemed to give her more reason to think he is hiding some sort of preference he is uncomfortable with and that is a reason he is unable to be intimate.

I think I am going to ask him what it was about though when I see him on Thursday

He did what?

You know that's fecking weird/awful don't you?

Wonder what Else he's hidden!

Roll on your house move!

Ahhhh, now that would have freaked me inside out Notty. WTAF is that all about? Whatever, it proves you are right to feel that there is something off about him I reckon. Femail intuition. If we could bottle it and sell it huh?

I agree that the schoolboy Facebook is very weird.

Your thread just reminded me of my exH who I suspected is gay, I even just opened my own thread tonight.

So many times I suspected my exH was gay, we are divorced but I still don't know if he is gay and out or not.
But he was definitely hiding something and I even suspect an affair.

Once we went to this very cool night club with lots of different rooms with different decor and ambience.

In one of the rooms there was a round stage with some girls tastefully same naked dancing beautifully, I was mesmerised by it, and he even turned his back and kept dancing without watching it at all.

His favourite room was the terrace were there was a swimming pool and some very fit male dancers pretended to be life guards dancing and playing with a beach ball.

I do know. But I never found anything else and I'm quite good at the IT thing, it's my job. But then it's his too so he'd know how to hide things.

Hmmmm upcycled I'd say you're right there!!

That's the thing, after the first six months of our relationship STBX just never seemed to be aroused by ANYTHING. It was news to me when he admitted unprompted he had been using porn and thought he was addicted

Maybe he used the FB to spy on the photos of the 'friends' he made. Maybe that was enough for him at the time.

Porn addiction would account for an arousal issue.

Bloody hell! I was mulling over all sorts of relevant experiences, wondering whether and how to share, when you dropped this FB schoolboy bomb!!!

And you're thinking about whether he likes musicals?

I now have some definite advice for you:-

1. Get moving on your move!
2. Inform the police about the FB scam.
3. Get therapy - with this counsellor, if she does that kind of thing, or ask her fro recommendations. You have some remarkable mental blocks in worrying areas; clearing those will help you to slot things into place.

I suggest caution when he is with children.