Going NC with very unstable mother, how do I do it safetly?

[appletarts]

My mother has always been abusive, physically and emotionally. She denies everything she ever did even though some of the acts of neglect were pretty bad and if things were happening in todays climate we would have been taken into care.

I don't know why I keep a relationship going with her, perhaps I hope one day she will realise but I think the biggest part is fear over what will happen if I go NC. This has come up again because she turned up at my house screaming and shouting over things that exist only in her warped mind and my children were scared of her as was I frankly. I now know I have to put a stop to her being in our lives. I want to block her number from the phone and not answer the door if she comes but I am scared of her going totally unhinged at my house and she becomes violent in her rages. I wonder how I can manage contact with her when she is so deranged. I am so upset she has managed to terrify me all over again and the biggest part of me looks forward to when she's dead. Advice please because I need to feel like a grown woman protecting my children and not a small child being beaten up with words and a shoe.

I think you would have to involve the police if she did this. Do you have sympathetic neighbours who could, perhaps, report her for disturbing them? Change phone numbers etc. I would imagine moving would be the only way to ensure you never saw her again but this is unlikely to be an option. My mother is an abusive alcoholic so I know how awful it is. We cope by living hundreds of miles away. In the long term, is this a solution for you?

We do live hundreds of miles away but she has some friends who live near us so she visits maybe 5 times a year. When my other siblings have changed their numbers and cut her out she has gone to their house to demand explanation etc and it has turned very ugly. I am terrified of my children witnessing the things I had to and I just wish she could be a normal grandmother but I know she can't.

Definitely be reassured that the police would take action if a deranged, violent woman turned up screaming abuse and threatening your DCs. Bullies rule through fear. On your own you may be terrorised by her but, with back-up, she'd be carted away and slapped with a restraining order.

The 101 non-emergency number could be worth a 'what if' call...

I would give the police a heads up on 101, explain the situation and that you do not want her at your house. Tell the DC's that if she turns up, you are going to ring the police to take her to a Dr, as she is unwell inside her head, and unkind because of this.

And then, don't open the door to her and call the police if she comes round. Tell your children that she is poorly and doesn't understand what she is saying. And

The police do sound the best option ...

Other than that, is it worth talking to the friends to ask them to let you know when she's coming up? ( presumably they know what she can be like, she doenst sound the sort to do things quietly).

How old are your children? this is kind of grasping at straws and maybe it's a silly idea, but might it be worth talking to them about what to do if she turns up and is violent? In a very calm way? It might help them prepare mentally.

Something like 'go upstairs and shut the door and remember that mummy is here to protect you, nothing is going to happen and we will be calling the police. We just have to wait til they get here".

Also get a chain for the door. Do you have any sort of vision panel in the door where you can see who is outside? If you do, teach your children not to open the door to her.

And give yourself time to grieve for the mother she isn't and wasn't and almost certainly never will be.

I suppose I meant how do I do it safetly to prevent her getting so enraged that she turns up? I can't control that though can I?

I'd also recommend Women's Aid. Speaking from experience this would be classed as dromestic abuse. They can give advice, and importantly, be another agency with a record of your concerns or any events. You might need this record - my mum is now taking me to court for contact with my son, six months after she tried to strangle me. I'm 37. The last time she tried to strangle me I was 12. I totally get where you are right now. Hugs x

Your situation is so similar to mine Appletarts.

I have been NC with my mother since before Xmas, but she probably isn't even aware of it. She's probably going around saying, "BabyMummy's acting very strangely at the moment"

Nothing is ever her fault.

The only ways to stop her turning up at all that I can think of, appletarts, are difficult. You can't stop her getting enraged no, so it's a matter of handling her while she is enraged and working long term to go NC

Keep refusing to see / speak / contact with her until she gives up (could be a long time)

Move and don't let her know where (a very drastic measure, but some people have found it worth while

If turns up and is violent get the police there and go for a restraining order. (hard work and high drama)

Those are the only ideas I can think of :/