I've been with DP for 8 years and we have a 4 year old DS. Relationship has been difficult since DS was born and the last few years have been unbearable. DS was diagnosed with autism last year which added to the pressure and unhappiness. Our debt has spiralled out of control (mostly my fault) and we have nothing in common at all. I've suffered with depression on and off since pregnancy and it's really just been a thoroughly miserable time for everyone.
We've spoke about seperating almost constantly since DS was born. We've had trial seperations which have been crap cos we give in, promise each other that things will get better. We'll deal with the debt, go out more, I'll take an interest in my appearance, he'll change his job for one with better hours, etc.... It never works and I think it's because we get back togehter because we both hate being alone, rather than us really wanting each other.
I made the decision last night to end it. I told him that I wanted him to leave, that it was over and that I really did mean it this time. I wanted him to be relieved and for us both to see it as a positive move. He was devestated and I felt really, really awful. Every other time we've seperated it's been as the result of a huge bust up with me screaming at him and throwing his clothes in bin bags. This time I was calm. I told him that I was miserable, had been for a long time, there was no-one else but that I needed us to seperate. I made it clear that it wasn't temporary this time.
I wasn't prepared for it to feel like this though. He's in the bedroom crying, DS is with a neighbour and I'm trying not to hit the bottle. I don't want to hurt him. I wish that he was happy about the split and could feel excited about having his freedom back. I know it's early days but he's talking like he has nothing to live for. I'm on anti-depressants and I think they are stopping me from being able to express any emotion. I'm trying to comfort him but it's awful know that I'm the cause of all this pain and that I could take back what I said and he'd be alright again.
I really, really needed to write that down. A few friends know that I've been unhappy for a long time but they can't understand why I'd be unhappy with a man that works hard, respects me, doesn't hit or womanise and above all it seems that he still loves me.
Anyone else going through/gone through this? Am I bloody mad to want more than a respectful but loveless relationship?