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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH and contact with children

17 replies

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/01/2014 17:45

I've posted this here as it is about relationships and how I can communicate with my STBXH.

He left me and two kids two years ago to live with OW, twenty years younger than him (26).

He continues to pay what he always did into the joint account so no problems there and in reality probably being very generous.

He visits the FH every Saturday to see the children. Sometimes he takes them out sometimes he doesn't. I make myself invisible.

He also sees them one night a week for a few hours again at FH. He doesn't do any of the Sch pick ups or club runs.

I have asked him initially if he could have them overnight once a mth so that I can start to get out in the evenings. He basically told me I was controlling him and we left it there.

Do I now just continue as we are or keep trying. Deep down I don't want the kids to go to his but I know they would benefit and it would give me a few hours each mth of my time.

Any advice from you experienced people?

OP posts:

Minime85 · 07/01/2014 17:49

could you suggestion mediation for this?

why doesn't he want them overnight? why doesn't he have them at his house? I would have thought he could/ought to be after such a long time but I know every situation is different.

balia · 07/01/2014 18:02

How old are the DC's? Do they have an opinion?

I really wouldn't like an ex being in the FH, I'd feel it was a real intrusion. If you told him you were no longer willing to 'host' his parenting, such as it is, do you think he'd be more likely to have them at his or stop bothering altogether?

Original poster

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/01/2014 18:04

Thank you minime. Yes mediation is a good idea.

I have no idea why he doesn't want them there. I assume it is because it would ruin his child free life with his GF. They live in one bed flat so that might be it. He gets very defensive if I ask him anything.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 07/01/2014 18:10

I wonder if, in his head, he is still contributing financially as he did when he lived in the FH, therefore he should be able to have contact on his terms there.

If you rely heavily on the income he hands over I would suggest not rocking the boat unless the children are unhappy.

Contact is about the children, not the resident parent getting a break. Having said that, it is perfectly reasonable not to offer your home for contact if it makes you uncomfortable.

Original poster

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/01/2014 18:12

Balia - initially I didn't let him in the FH for those reasons. He ended up taking them shopping and mac Donald's every week! I felt sorry for the children so relented.

They are 11 and 9. I'm not sure if they know he has a gf as I've not told them as I don't see it as being any if my business and saki I would be doing his dirty work for him as he is too cowardly to tell them. Perhaps I should tell them do you think?

OP posts:

Minime85 · 07/01/2014 19:26

I think it is his job to tell them not yours. and its hood u put them first as he should have also done. initially my ex came here more for school runs etc. now, a few months down line him being him some of time unavoidable but mostly at his house now and stay over there.

its not sustainable in long term as much as it suits him. could be hard for kids to adjust too to going there but slow and steady best way. his gf needs a reality check too.

Minime85 · 07/01/2014 19:28

you deserve the house to be your house too not the fh. yes it is but its YOUR fh not his. Im not saying go in all guns blazing as finances etc are possibly tied up in it and obviously dont know you history together etc. but I think suggesting changes and if not mediation worth a try? good luck

AmberLeaf · 07/01/2014 19:40

hes sort of having his cake and eating it too in a way.

I agree contact is about the children seeing both parents, but there is IMO an element of the RP getting a break to it too.

I think him being in your home for contact is invasive. regardless of what he pays, it isn't his home anymore.

This must be incredibly hard for you.

I would have to insist on it changing even if it meant partial withdrawal of funds. no amount of money is worth not having the opportunity to have a life independent of my EX.

balia · 07/01/2014 20:12

I know people get quite sniffy here about single parents getting a break while DCs are with the NRP and how normally you don't get a break from your DC, but if there are two of you raising your DC's (and your DH isn't an arse) then of course you do! Just maybe not in one go like a weekend or an overnight, but you take it in turns to get a break for an hour or two, or if one of you is feeling ill/got lots of work on etc. I think people should have a go raising DC by themselves, day in day out, not even having back-up for 5 minutes to go to the loo, before they start criticising lone parents for needing a break.

And maybe he needs to get accommodation suitable for a parent rather than a childless man?

Goldmandra · 07/01/2014 20:21

I think people should have a go raising DC by themselves, day in day out, not even having back-up for 5 minutes to go to the loo, before they start criticising lone parents for needing a break.

Ouch!

It's perfectly reasonable to need a break but that isn't the point of contact time. If it gives the resident parent a break that's great but changes shouldn't be made solely for that purpose.

There are other ways to get breaks if they aren't happening via contact and it's important that the resident parent gets them if it helps them be a better parent.

AmberLeaf · 07/01/2014 20:44

What other ways GoldMandra?

I don't really have any other ways tbh. if my ex didn't have overnight contact, id pretty much never get a break.

No family support nearby.

having a break isnt about ME being a better parent. its more about their father doing 'his bit' even though it is nothing close to 50/50.

olathelawyer05 · 07/01/2014 20:48

If the kids are resident with you, the he doesn't have to have them if he doesn't want to. Might not be nice, but its the blunt truth and ultimately his prerogative.

IF you alone own the home where you live with the kids then in principle, you don't have to allow him to have contact there. However, you point out that he actually gives you money over the odds, in which case if you choose to make a fuss over contact in the house, be prepared for him to exercise his prerogative and start giving you the bare minimum that he is required to.

If however you live in what is still a 'jointly' owned home, then obviously you can't stop him using what is essentially his property to have contact with the kids. Whether you consider it 'his' or 'your' home is irrelevant, if he actually holds a legal interest in it.

AmberLeaf · 07/01/2014 21:12

Doesn't really work like that in reality.

in that position id consult a lawyer.

Original poster

itwillgetbettersoon · 07/01/2014 21:19

Ola - thank you i do understand that which is why I have not rocked the boat. If he reduced his money I would be in financial trouble - living in the south east near London isn't cheap. He still has most of his stuff his ( stuffed away) as I realise that if I push it he will strop.

The house is jointly legally owned so as you say he is entitled to visit etc.

The solution is for me to sort out the house and finances so that I'm not so financially dependent on him. Again he is burying his head in the sand on both of theses issues.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 07/01/2014 22:18

having a break isnt about ME being a better parent. its more about their father doing 'his bit' even though it is nothing close to 50/50.

Contact and babysitting are two different situations. The courts don't make contact orders so that parents can get a break or do their bit. They make them for the benefit of the children. The benefits to the parents are incidental although granted they can be valuable.

Actually his joint ownership doesn't give him the right to have his contact time in it. He does have certain rights of access to the property and can insist on holding a key in the same way a landlord does. A legal advisor would be able to clarify this for you, OP.

AmberLeaf · 08/01/2014 01:49

You don't babysit your own children.

olathelawyer05 · 08/01/2014 14:06

"Actually his joint ownership doesn't give him the right to have his contact time in it. He does have certain rights of access to the property and can insist on holding a key in the same way a landlord does. A legal advisor would be able to clarify this for you, OP."

Sorry Goldmandra, but this is incorrect. If he owns the property, then he has the right to enter it at anytime (unless the OP has a tenancy or court order excluding him) - you have a basic right to enter YOUR OWN property, that is the law, ergo he can therefore have contact with his kids in the house.

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