left today after 26 years

[jani64]

Hi, I haven't messaged before but I am feeling absolutely desperate. The title says it all: I have just walked out of my marriage after 26 years. To be honest it hasn't been good the last few years, but I feel such a failure and haven't a clue what to do now. Have nowhere to sleep (except my office).

Congratulations, Jani.

If you have an office, it means you have a job. I hope you get fixed with a place of your own very soon.

Congratulations. Hope you get the basics sorted soon - sure you will.

Why did you leave Jani?

Thanks for the support - just feeling low atm.

Really, I will be able to manage financially. It just seems such an enormous and daunting change. Not sure if I should be going to solicitors first or looking for somewhere to live. One of my daughters lives quite close and although I don't want to impose on her (and her boyfriend) she will be supportive.

I am struggling not to be undermined by the horrible things that my husband said - I do understand that he was angry at the time. He has always been quite/very controlling and is sure I won't be able to manage without him. I am not looking for reassurance here that I will be able to manage - that part is up to me.

What I feel strongest however is the sense of sadness and failure. How long has it taken other people to get back to "normal"?

What's the position re the house - surely that is a joint asset? Can you get somewhere that is suitable for you near your work or daughter?

Well done that must have taken some strength.
Im not sure you will get back to the old normal but im very sure you will find a new normal.
How long? Who knows. There will be ups and downs along the way. Baby steps at first. You will grieve the loss of your relationship, I know I did and mine was half yours.
Its all perfectly normal though. Keep posting on here and talk to RL friends and family for support.
Really HTH and good luck

Hi mistlethrush

The house is in joint names. Only v small mortgage but (this probably sounds stupid) at the moment I don't think I will want to force a sale. The house was the family home for my husband and his first wife and he had to buy her out approx 30 years ago. He is a lot older than me and I think he would be devastated (and very acrimonious) if I went down that route. It is too soon for me to consider this. I have a reasonable income and can certainly rent something for the time being to give me thinking time.

Well done.

My mum left my dad after 23 years within week of me leaving home. There's was nothing wrong other than that she didn't love him. Best thing she ever did and it was until after she left that she blossumed and the world (including me) realised how ground down she'd been by her marriage. That was 21 years ago and she has no regrets.

I think it's important to look after #1 in the first instance. Find some peace, get yourself a place, be with friends, your DD and other people who you find uplifting. Once the raw emotion has subsided and you have some calm then have a chat with a solicitor. Understand what you say about the house but I don't think this is the time to make such a big decision. Temptation is for women in your situation to convince themselves that they just want out, don't care if they leave everything behind, don't want the aggravation.... But the capital in that house is a big part of your future security and I think, if you give it a few weeks, you'll be a lot less scared of him and feeling a lot less charitable.

Very best of luck

Hi jani

I left after 27 years of marriage about three and a half years ago.
I fled in tears with a carful of things and moved to a tiny dolls house about 500 yards from my family home. I was bereft without my DC who stayed in the family home (young adults like yours). My XH was angry and abusive and made life very difficult. He wanted a cheap divorce without any solicitors and everything to suit him.

I found strength to tell him I would be appointing a solicitor to negotiate. He was furious. I spent two years working through the emotional fall out before beginning the divorce process. My solicitor was lovely and very calm and dealt with XH bullying brilliantly. One of the first things I was told was to find somewhere nice to live! (I now rent a lovely bungalow on the coast)

We completed the financial consent order last month and the divorce was finalised the same week as the house sold. I have half his pension and half the equity and am looking forward to a fresh start. It honestly took me the whole three and a half years to work through my grief and guilt and shame. Be patient and be kind to yourself. Would it help to see a counsellor? I found it invaluable.

for you

Thank you all for your supportive comments and experience:

Joysmum
I am telling myself that despite the length of the marriage I can still build a life for myself on my own terms. Thank you for describing your mother's situation - this does give me hope!

Cogito
I realise that now is not the time to make big decisions. My daughter is being v supportive - we spent the evening together and she has offered to help me find somewhere to rent for the time being. More importantly, she insists I have done everything I could to keep the marriage going.

KA
Your description of your XH's attitude towards negotiations is what I would anticipate from my own H. Three and a half years seems a v long time to sort out finances/divorce. However, I am not in any hurry and it will probably help me to take things slowly. I do have the advantage that all but my youngest DC live away from home now. The youngest is at university so is home for most of the vacations. Might try the suggestion of counselling: ironically one of my roles is that of mediator (but this doesn't seem to help me in my own personal life!).

I am trying to be kind to myself. Will go to the gym first thing tomorrow and then contact letting agencies. Not sure whether to let people at work know the situation - I kept feeling I was about to break down today but I am thinking that it will be better to try to keep going as normal for two reasons: 1) have a very demanding week coming up work-wise and don't want people to think I can't cope; 2) I think I am more likely to dissolve into a puddle of tears if I get sympathy!