DH and my ds arguing - really upsetting

[Breakpoint]

I am so confused about what to do and could really do with writing it down and possible hearing similar stories or some sage advice. Please excuse typos (writing on phone).

Dh and i Have been married for three years (together for 6). We both have kids from previous relationships (my 12 yo ds and his 9 and 11 yo). Together we have a 2.5 ds. I would say that on the whole we are generally a pretty functional blended family - the kids get on; I get on with his kids and ex and they all adore the baby.

The problem is my DH's relationship with my son as they are sometimes at each other's throats and neither seem to be able to control their tempers with each other, even when it is in front of the baby (which really upsets and worries me). Usual scenario is that DH will ask DS to do something (tidy his room is a real flare point) and DS will procrastinate and eventually get really heated and stamp his feet and strop, sometimes way out of proportion to the what he has been asked to do. DH will then become furious and ban broadband which will set DS off into a major tantrum, which results with more shouting.

Tonight, DH set DS off about something (asking him to do something he didnt want to) and it resulted in a shouting match and DH insisting that I 'do somethinb'. He thinks that DS is disrespectful, spoiled, rude and that I dont support him enough. I feel I want to keep the peace, particulalry as we have a lovely, happy 2 yr old, who I don't want to grow up in a shouty house. I also feel DH is stubborn, a bit disciplinarian and sometimes a bit depressed (he has health issues) and that he doesn't accommodate DS enough (eg picking his battles, understanding his age and puberty, appreciating that he misses his real dad, who lives abroad - so there is also a dose of rejection thrown in). At the same time, I appreciate that DS can be hard work, specifically when he is asked to do something. But he is also warm hearted, behaves well at school, is polite etc and I think the constant telling off is making him worse.

I feel completely trapped. If it weren't for my 2.5 yo, I may consider leaving DH as i worry about their relationship and my DS. But it would devastate my toddler's life as well as DS, as deep down he does love DH. I want to say to DH to behave like the adult but he just totally disagrees with my point of view and sees it that my son is disrespecting him and is a nightmare. He is so angry with me.

Sorry sorry for rambling.

Thanks Natasha. We do have rules and set punishments (broadband ban being one) but honestly, ds is just very obstinate and has to be asked repeatedly to do stuff and even the , won't do it properly the first time. It is a constant battle and I do see how it is exhausting, frustrating and enraging g for DH. I am less strict than he is and will often let things pass and I know that before we got together I did everything for ds and probably did spoil him as I was compensating for him not having his dad around.
It is really hard as Ds just does not comply with the kind of rigour and discipline my DH sets out. I think he reacts negatively to it .

Have you both read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and then read the teenage specific one?

Can't recommend them enough. Will help teach different approaches to asking your ds to do things that will be more effective.

Is this stuff that has to be done immediately? Would it work to say something to your DS like "please clean your room by bedtime" and leave him to decide when in the day to get it done? Giving him more control and feeling less bossed around?

Great tip Random, thank you. I did read it years and years ago but wasn't aware that there was a specific one for teenagers. The battle will be to get DH to read it as he is so convinced he is right at the mo. it strikes a chord with me though, because at the heart of it, I think it just comes down to communication and respect for each other. It probably can be sorted without drastic (divorce measures).

Is he the same with his own DC, or are they just more used to his approach so more compliant thus the conflicts don't arise?

They are very passive and compliant - a combination of personality and his approach. I've seen his Ds be disrespectful and DH has gone mad. So he's equally harsh to all of them

All three of the children are getting too old for "Do as I say or else" and your DH has to be made to come to terms with this: your ds is paving the way and although DH's own children may be compliant right now, they won't stay that way for long.

This website has some good pointers www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/tweens

Good luck with getting him to change his approach!

I think if your dh doesn't accept that he is contributing to the problem then it's going to be tough, if not impossible, to change this situation. What worries me is the words you use to describe your dh's reactions to the children - "furious" "goes mad" "harsh". Is he quite an angry person?

Do you think they might be competing on some level to be the "alpha male", now that your DS is nearly a teen? He will need to understand sooner or later that we all have to do things that others ask us that we don't always fancy doing, at work or at college. But perhaps 12 is still a bit young to find that out!

Thanks maparole for link and also for encouragement. I think you are right; his approach is in the dark ages of discipline and punish . cailin he has the biggest, warmest heart of anyone I know. Yes, he does get cross and can be rigid in terms of expectations of behaviour but the children do adore him and are not afraid of him (we have laughed at him frequently ).
We just had a long talk and I suggested the book rec above (how to talk) and DH suggested him and Ds go away for a night on an activity/bonding type thing. It's a start.

saveme you are so right - uncannily DH has just said that the two of them seem to be competing for alpha male status ; problem is one of them is 12. Oedipus complex, I guess.
Do you think 12 is too young for learning those lessons of responsibility?

joining to placemark. OP, sorry you're having these issues in the house - hopefully everyone can chill down and increase the respect levels.

What are the things he is asked to do? You can close the door on an untidy room, so that's probably not a fight worth having, but if he is being asked to take his turn feeding the dog, or putting his plates back into the kitchen, then I'd say these were basic contributions to the family and 12 is as good an age as any to do them.

12 is actually almost too late. My dad had to go through managing the child-teenage boy transition with 4 of us, and he started us around 9. Proper meals out, then long walks, then off-road driving, then on our 14th birthday, the care and feeding of weapons. All made easier by "I'll tell your mother" being the worst threat and punishment he could make.

Seems to have worked; we made all our bad decisions deliberately as adults, and we had the skills to minimise the effects.

He died proud of us.

I had 2 Ds and 1 Dd when i married my now very Dh. There has been problems as each of them reached that obnoxious teenagehood.

I too felt trapped and scared. With Ds2 it was particularly bad,I spent a lot of time crying. I figured that DH had no experience of kids till he had mine and the teenage years kicked in before he became accustomed to having kids. They are older now and through the worst ( Dd1 may break him yet :o ). I understood where he was at and supported him BUT I also understood where MY kids were at and was ALWAYS there for them and if they didnt like how things were going,took the time to explain WHY the decision was made and how the conclusion was reached,sympathized with how they were feeling but explained how our decisions were reached etc. I NEVER showed a divided front with Dh,even if I didnt agree with him, it was discussed out of their earshot and adjusted and explained to them after.

Its not easy and there will be a few years of compromise and peace keeping but if the intentions are good and overall no bad feelings,all will be well. Mine are now 21,19 and 17. My 17 year old dd1 is just becoming human again.

It is upsetting but hopefully will get better XXX, Teenage boys and all that testosterone is not a happy mix to start with

It must be difficult for your son (not impossible) adjusting to your DH sergeant major approach to your rather laid back approach. It appears from your OP that you have essentially delegated discipline to your DH which is not fair on both your DH and your son. Sit down with your DH and your children and agree on family rules and the consequence of non compliance. Then you should take the lead in parenting your son, you can use an approach that you feel more comfortable with but the rules and the consequence for breaking the rules remain the same.

Your DH isn't asking DS to do anything unreasonable and DS is being a pain about it? Natural consequence as far as possible! Stay strong - you want DS to grow into a decent adult and it's good that DH cares enough to bother, he needs to tone down the shouting though. Can he and you be bored by DS's non compliance instead of reacting?

Agree with isetan.

In effect, your DP is doing the disciplining that really needs to come from you.

Thanks all, some really level headed and pragmatic advice. theoldtrout it's good to hear you have been through similar and come through it and can laugh.
A lot of people (thanks isetan) have talked about boundaries and although we do have them, I think I let them slip occasionally (not good) as I just want peace! I will have to toughen up and I think, from reading stuff on here, I should write down ground rules and consequences so that they are set in stone for everyone.
notevent your post made me smile - yes, DH does care, thankfully that Ds does grow up decently and is respectful (particulalry to me) - old- fashioned and clashes with current attitudes but probably more important than ever in our screen saturated times