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Original poster

Can this LDR work?

24 replies

1983mummy · 06/01/2014 19:46

So I met this guy 4 months ago on a night out when I was staying with mates. We clicked and, well, he is amazing. I have a connection with him that I have never experienced before. Since we met we speak/text/skype everyday meeting when we can (he lives in London, me 2 hours away in the country) and we both feel like there's something there. My friend has said that it's unhealthy as it can never be anything more and it's stopping me finding the 'one'. we are both single parents so could never take our children away from their other parent, but is there any way it could work or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
Unexpected · 06/01/2014 19:50

Why on earth couldn't it work out? Many children of separated parents live some distance from one parent. You are quite fortunate if both of you still live close to your exes and share parenting 50/50. If this relationship really develops, would each of you moving an hour towards each other be a possibility? Then you would both still be able to provide easy access to your children to your ex partners? When you said it was long-distance, I thought you were talking about different countries or Glasgow to Brighton!

Original poster
1983mummy · 06/01/2014 19:56

Nope we are 100 miles from each other. Both our ex's play a major part in our children's life. To be honest I've had a pretty crappy couple of years and I would honestly consider moving to him as I love the life he has and the part of London he lives in, but despite how much my ex stabbed me in the back I could never take my dd away from him. An hour would work for me but he has his own thriving family business....

OP posts:
QuizTeamAguilera · 06/01/2014 19:57

I have similar with dp but actually, a slighter greater distance between us. We talk/skype most days which I think encourages getting to know one another in a way perhaps doesn't happen when you're actually together. We work in a similar field, share interests and generally get along without any sort of pressure to move things on. We visit one or twice a month and we have no problem with it at all.

Just see how you go, what else can you do?

Original poster
1983mummy · 06/01/2014 19:58

I know I sound like I'm talking about the future, but I can't continue seeing him if it could never work...

OP posts:
QuizTeamAguilera · 06/01/2014 20:05

Why couldn't it work? I think LDR's can work but perhaps it takes a bit longer to work it out and patience is what's needed. Four months isn't long. I have known my dp for the same amount of time but we're not talking futures just yet. We both have teenage dc and are in a similar position to you. Do you both have free weekends sometimes?

Original poster
1983mummy · 06/01/2014 20:52

I think the reason I don't want to take such a large gamble is because I wasted my time in my previous relationship and got shat on. I also want to create a family as i want to have another child one day.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 06/01/2014 21:14

I really don't see that this is an insuperable issue. It sounds like your previous relationship is the problem. If you get to know him well and the relationship really works, it may stop feeling like a 'gamble'. A gamble implies you don't really know what you're getting yourself into...

Tinks42 · 06/01/2014 21:23

OP 100 miles is nothing really. A friend of mine met a guy from Derby (we live in London) they're still together 8 years later and yes, still commuting etc. What's a gamble? you can do that with someone that lives down the road or 10 miles away.

Tonandfeather · 07/01/2014 01:35

didn't you have another thread just the other day? I asked you if he was living with someone else and you never came back to reply. Is he? Have you been to his home/met any of his friends?

getmeoutofthismadhouse · 07/01/2014 02:15

My childrens Dad is seeing a woman living in Australia and altho it is at times very difficult it seems to work for them.. I'm.actually a little jealous that perhaps they have a better emotional.bond than we shared coz of how much more they talk.about compared to if you live in the same.town. if you want it to work you will find a way !

Original poster
1983mummy · 07/01/2014 05:17

Sorry yes I did have another thread. He isn't living with anyone or seeing anyone (I assume you're asking if I'm his OW?) and yes I've met his friends. I do have an incredible bond and I know stuff about him I probably wouldnt normally do through normal dating. Likewise he does of me. I could tell him anything and trust him.

OP posts:
AnandaTimeIn · 07/01/2014 07:52

I have had a LDR (different countries) for over 8 years now. We don't see each other that often but it suits me. It's mostly by telephone tho.... Sad

Many times I've thought and tried (and did it!) think about ending it but we always end up back together...

We're both single parents but neither other partner is still in the picture, so much simpler.

I'm in two minds whether to move there eventually (DS is over 21 now) it's a lovely hot country with beautiful nature and interesting culture! Smile

100 miles is nothing. Mine's a 9-hour flight away.....Shock

Kundry · 07/01/2014 13:58

It can work - I'm 3 years into mine and married although we've never lived together. fingers crossed in a few months we'll at least be living in the same country Smile

However if you want to have more children, some compromise is going to have to happen somewhere. Either you split up and you limit yourself to dating people within x minutes commute of your ex, or you move and ex's access has to change. Are you really doing 50:50 parenting or could you come up with a different access arrangement if you lived further away.

How would you feel if in 5 years time your ex moved to another town so it turned out you'd dumped the potential love of your life for no reason at all?

Tonandfeather · 07/01/2014 16:20

I just don't see the problem here. 100 miles is nothing! I wouldn't even call it long distance.

You're just dating for now so don't make any decisions about moving until the relationship's on firmer ground. Surely you can both cope with 2 hour journeys or meeting in the middle while you both assess what's there?

Original poster
1983mummy · 08/01/2014 11:48

Thanks for your messages. At the moment we are not calling a relationship and are kind of seeing each other. We are scared to take it to the next level as were both scared of getting hurt and it not working. When we see each other we normally meet in reading/Oxford (half way) so whilst we've met each other's friends etc, we are not experiencing each other's lives exactly - if that makes sense.

He has his kids weds and fri nights and my ex has our dd on a weds and then sat/sun nights.

A part of me is also getting confused to the whole situation and whether Im just growing emotionally attached to someone because of the intensity. Prior to this 'relationship' I was with my ex since a teenager so I've never dated as an adult before.

OP posts:
Original poster
1983mummy · 08/01/2014 11:50

But there's something about him that I'm addicted to that ive never experienced before. I love the person i am when I am with him and when I speak to him. He could cheer me up just by saying hello.

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 08/01/2014 12:06

Your ex has your daughter every sat/sun?

So you get all the weekly drudge and he gets the fun days? Can't you change that?

Or have you agreed to that because then you can see new guy on sats and suns?

Original poster
1983mummy · 08/01/2014 12:21

This agreement has been in place for ages. He says that as I work part time I get two days and he needs two days too - however he has said that it feels restrictive that he only gets sat mornings to himself. But yes I get the weekly drudge x

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 08/01/2014 12:26

Is it legal and set in stone?

Going off subject in a way as for all i know, you prefer this so you can see new guy, but if it's not a legal agreement I'd be looking to change it. Sounds like he'd be in agreement too.

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2014 12:29

2 hours is nothing! It will work if you want it to. When I 1st met my OH he lived in Hayes in Middlesex, and I lived in south London. Thats a 2 hour journey across London, worse if rail & tube is playing up. & I had 2 young children had to rely on family babysitting for me I must admit, as their father is useless. But I only saw OH once a week and we made do with that until we could be together permanently. Which we are, very happily. If Id worried about a mere 2 hours travel Id have missed out. The love of your life isnt necessarily on your doorstep. I cant quite fathom why where you DCs father lives is an issue but, you must know why. If you cant manage once a week though, I agree you should give up the ghost. But its a shame to worry about distance when its not guaranteed you'll meet the love of your life on your doorstep anyway. Follow your own heart and instinct - not your friend's.

Original poster
1983mummy · 08/01/2014 12:34

Mistressdeedee did you uproot to your oh or him you?

OP posts:
Original poster
1983mummy · 08/01/2014 12:35

No nothing is legal as we've not even started divorce proceedings yet.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2014 13:04

1983mummy we eventually decided he would uproot to me. His DCs were grown up, mine werent so it made sense

Thetallesttower · 08/01/2014 13:24

I would not worry about what your friend said, long distance relationships can and do work, especially if you can see each other without children as they are with the other parent initially.

Obviously you are besotted and four months in that's pretty sweet- just be a bit cautious about giving everything up and moving down with him, especially financially and emotionally (for your child) as if it doesn't work out, which does happen for all kinds of reasons that aren't predictable at this time point, then you will be much more disadvantaged than him. Value what you have, friends, family, your child, and your independence and then work towards coming together as and when you know him better and get to see he's really worth it- this may take longer when its long distance just for practical reasons.

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