Change in financial circumstances means siblings treated differently.

[AhoyMcCoy]

My parents had 4 DC. They supported three through university- giving each child £30 per week during term time. These three DC all worked too, but the contribution was to top up loan for books/travel etc etc.

The youngest DC decided not to go to university. Parents split up and one parent moved out, so now two households are being run on the two salaries (previously one household).

DC4 (DSis - now 21) lived at home working for a few years after leaving college, and has now gone travelling. She has quite frequently asked for financial handouts from parents during her travels - maybe £500 per parent so far, and neither parent can genuinely afford it now.

She has also asked for money from older sibs - so far had between £150-£500 from each sib. Us older sibs got a bit grumpy about the constant asking for cash- until one sib pointed out that we had benefited from our parents handouts when we needed it, and it does seen unfair that youngest sib doesn't get the same treatment. Nothing was said directly, but there was the hint that the older three who benefited should now be helping pay towards the cost of youngest DC, since parents can't.

I love my youngest sister and am torn. I would struggle to afford to give her regular handouts, but can see that I got handouts at her age. DH and I are living with his parents to save for a house deposit (so again, can acknowledge how lucky we are for parental help), but he resents funding my sisters travels when the money should be for our DC/saving. What's that fair way to proceed? What would you do in your family?

Well in my family, once I was at uni, any money I got to tide me over was a loan and was paid back as soon as I was able. Although of course when I was at home I had food bought for me, no rent etc, so that was the equivalent of bring given money I guess.

When I was travelling I funded it myself or I didn't go. Big difference between being helped at uni for my education, when I had a part time job as well, and being paid to have a travelling experience.

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Does she want to go to university? Strikes me it would be more useful to fund her through that than travelling.

Did your parent's financial support end when you graduated? If so, she's 21 now, which would probably be your and your siblings ages when you completed your studies. If so, it's time for the handouts to stop.

I travelled for 4 years after 'a' levels, completely self funded as my parents wanted me to go to uni and I didn't. I finally went when I was 30, completely self funded. My parents fully funded both of my sisters through uni. I'm not bothered, I made my own choices, as an adult.

£30/week is around £1000/year multiplied by 3 years so £3000.

I dont think anyone is obligated to help another adult in this way but I do think you have to consider that your sister is not getting anymore than you or your other siblings did and in fact is getting quite a lot less in pure cash terms.

There is nothing wrong with saying to your sister that you cannot afford to give her cash handouts but at the same time dont claim a moral high ground - not saying that you are just that it is easy to accidentally fall into this.

I would say accepting help from your parents while you are studying is very different to expecting help to fund a lifestyle choice to travel rather than work.

I am in a similar boat in that three of us are university educated and youngest sib (19) is a bit of a drifter and does bits and pieces. We all chip in a bit with him.
But I do think supporting children whilst studying is very different to just throwing cash at someone. We used to get the odd fiver and food parcels not loads of cash but helping whilst at uni is because someone is bettering themselves.

I'm with your DH on this one. And I'm quite that a 21 year old adult has decided to go travelling and is asking siblings for handouts to fund her travels. What's gone on in the years before with the siblings going to uni is irrelevant imo. Obviously your parents could afford to give you all hand outs back then, now their situation has changed and they can't. Such is life I'm afraid.

University is one thing, travelling is another. In my family parents helped with the siblings who went to uni but not the two that didnt. We were all welcome to live at home though. They would never have funded travelling- my siblings (I didn't go), funded that themselves.

The youngest DC decided not to go to university

No need for further details. She was offered the same as the rest of you - she chose not to do it, fair enough, it's not for everyone, but this doesn't mean that the rest of you who chose to go, work hard, get degrees and good jobs etc have to support her travelling etc.

She is taking the piss.

Not to mention she stayed at home whilst working... she's 'had' a 'fair share' too.

Agree that travelling is massively different to uni.

If she did want to go to uni and the older siblings were in a position to contribute then that might be one thing, but she's not entitled to get (for example) £3k from various family members.

And she needs to learn to budget!

This is the dilemma- I think that if she had chosen to go to university (she's not academically minded, was never interested in it), mum & dad would probably have given her the same support. Dad has cut his hours dramatically as near retirement and has less expenditure, and mum holidays more (never holidayed when we were at uni!) - and I reckon if she had gone to uni they would have done whatever it took to find this.

Equally if she was at uni and messaging me "can I have £50 for books?" I'd give it a lot more easily than "waaaahhh everyone else is going to Cambodia and I don't have the money- really want to move on, can you give me cash?!" - and I think I feel a bit like I'm "judging" her life choices. Can't help but feel she should be given the same finances we were, and it's up to her how she chooses to spend it. It's causing me real guilt- because I ever from taking moral high ground to feeling like a snobby cow!!

Agree with above in that she has "benefited" financially in another ways by skipping uni- she had three years living rent free at home, didn't contribute for food or bills etc, whereas we all paid rent/bills/food in our student houses whilst studying.

Well presumably if she lived at home for a few years after college, your parents were feeding her and putting a roof over her head etc, at a cost of more than £30 a week!

At 21 she is old enough to fund her own travelling etc.

She should be funding her own traveling. Most people work whilst they travel, fruit picking, bar work etc. Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

Maybe if she did go to uni your parents would have helped her too but she didn't. She lived at home rent free and food paid for, that equates to far more then £30 a week, I'm sure. Her choice to go travelling, she's an adult, at 21 she should be able to budget and manage her own money. Tell her you can't as you're saving for a deposit and don't feel guilty over it.

I also think she should have a part time job to fund her travels. I think it's nice to help out family members when you can but they need to be able to stand on their own two feet essentially.

Tell her to get a job and fund the travelling herself the lazy little oyk!

You are not in a position to fund her, end of.
If I was out working to put every spare penny into savings to be able to afford a house for me and my family and found out that my partner had been sending hard earned family dosh to a family member for traveling I think I may end the relationship.

Her choices, she should fund them.

What are you goign to do when she eventually stops travelling, comes home and decides then that as there are no decent jobs she is now "ready" to study something???
She's lived at home FOC for a number of years and each of her siblings have also topped her up. Time to switch it off in my view especially since you can't afford it.

I cannot for the life of me see any connection whatsoever between a) parents assisting offspring who are barely adults to complete their studies; and b) a true adult giving up her job to travel and expecting siblings to fund it

It's ludicrous! have you as a family always babied her, perhaps? She has chosen her lifestyle; up to her to fund it.