what do i do? my disastrous relationship :( *long*

[roxysmummy1]

hi, im a long time lurker here a friend uses this forum alot and advised that i post here for your advise.
im in a relationship,hes a mature student 28 at uni, we started dating in nov 12 (id previously known him about a year before hand) got serious in may 13, during the dating stage he was very flaky, always late, sometimes i couldn't get a hold of him for hours on end but then he'd arrive sweep me off my feet and basically woo me. he was exciting and adventurous just like myself, we'd always be going off and doing something last minute which is the kind of person i am so we sempt to be almost a perfect match. he does however suffer with a medical condition called Trimethylaminuria ( en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trimethylaminuria )so this made things difficult at times with the anxiety that came along with it but i am a very accepting person and took everything he came with and fell compleatly in love with this amazing guy.
fastforward to june and he moved in ( his lease was up on his student accommodation and my house mate was moving out ) he spent most of his time here so it just made sense. i discovered that he had been sleeping with other women while we were dating and they were messaging and wouldn't leave him alone so obviously this caused problems because we had agreed not to see other people, my ex lead a double life for 5 years so im naturally a very insecure person and this didn't help.
we battled about this for some time due to women messaging him on fb, sending friends requests, asking why hes ignoring them which him ignoring them was a good thing but he'd had sex with them whilst dating me so i was upset that they wouldn't back off and felt he wasn't doing enough to make them leave us alone. during this time i snooped ALOT and id find he was flirting with people on his fb etc,,,its been an ongoing battle between us but eventually its calmed down.

so fastforward again to now, 4 weeks ago we went to Amsterdam and had 4 nights away and it was just what we needed in between him being at uni, myself at college and trying to run a small business we were well and truly ready and it was a kind of make or break holiday and it made us, we had a really great time, didn't argue or anything, which ive put down to not working, no facebook and no phones..it was bliss even he agreed we tried some of Amsterdam finest and a brilliant time too ;-) but hes brought the habit home with him, at first he said a weekend thing because he doesn't drink etc i thought why no let him have a smoke at the weekends so i agreed....now its everyday and in 4 weeks hes changed dramatically, in fact im convinced that what hes always said is anxiety is in fact aspergers, now this isn't something I've just decided, ive read all ican on forums and websites and he is a classic case, but its been sort of exaggerated since smoking weed.

so i have 2 problems 1/ hes addicted and wont admit to having a problem, he smokes it everyday at home, ive banned it etc but he just hides it, smokes outside, out the window, in the shower!! he has family in Ireland and he even took it there with him..get got through the airport with it!!

2/ he has all the symptoms of aspergers, i fear his anxiety has always been to blame for the way he is so no one has ever suspected.
Difficulty with social communication
Difficulty with social interaction
Love of routines
Special interests
Sensory difficulties
(i could go on but im 100% on this ive been researching for over a week now)

ive lost the guy that had a sparkle in his eye, the guy that had so much going for him, hes no longer affectionate, hes switched off from the world, don't bother with fb,his family, we haven't done anything as a couple, sex life is non existent. when ive been upset he has no sympathy he just turns cruel.
this is not my guy anymore.

he wont admit to having a problem however he knows we're not good atm.

what im wanting is real advise, yes i know i should run to the hills and never look back but i love this guy, hes dramatically changed in 4 weeks, hes a guy that had aspergers that's been mistaken for anxiety 100% and now has an addiction.

what the hell do i do
no children involved we have a dog lol
Dee xxx

The problems you're describing are his. The choices he's making are his. His life is his responsibility. That's going to sound harsh but, from the way you've described the events of the last eight months, I'm concerned that you see any of this as your responsibility. He's unfaithful, cruel, irresponsible, selfish and you can either stick around, make him your project and waste a lot of your life trying to fix him or you can - as you know already - run to the hills.

" He's unfaithful, cruel, irresponsible, selfish" yep

So save the dog... and yourself.

If it has apserpers it hard work to live with and go with out a lot .

Put addiction in the mix .
And the truth is that he does not love you .

OP - I'm not sure what are you are, I'm guessing twenties - interesting that you posted his age but not your own.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but when I was younger I was into high drama relationships. You need to think about what you want longer term, not just now, this guy would be a complete nightmare if you had DCs.

Yes it may not be his fault - it could be down to medical conditions, but bottom line is you've been with this guy for about a year and in that short period of time it's been mostly rubbish, he has cheated on you probably, you aren't having sex and he is addicted to weed. Anyone who needs a make or break holiday in the first year of their relationship should just opt for the break.

Oh and that turn it on strong, then dial back courtship thing - very deliberate to reel you in.

Simple answer is if you are in a disastrous relationship and there are no obvious ties keeping you there i.e. DCs, bought property, then you get out.

im 30, yeah i know what i need to do its just hard when ive put so much into this. i just wanted to hear outsiders opinions.
he would say that ive been no angel but i havent cheat or dated other guys etc, i gave him my all, let him into my home hes met my family but im yet to meet his, he went back home over xmas fr 3 days but i wasnt invited, they know of me we've spoken on the phone a few times and they know he lives with me.

Any man that tells you that 'you're no angel either' should be drop-kicked out of your life on principle. It's always sad when things have to end but better to waste a year than three years.

Roxysmummy1 - you need to examine why you have put so much into this.

Sounds like you had a very passionate first few weeks - where he did all his yo-yoing of affections to reel you in, but then after that it seems like so much unmitigated awfulness.

Sorry - he's either just not that into you or he's into you as much as he is capable of, which isn't enough to sustain a mature long term relationship.

Ironically the only thing you could do to salvage this is end it and mean it. He either thinks enough about you to pick up his game and change his actions, or he doesn't. Or sorry third option he will get better long enough for you to become drawn in again, where upon he will revert to normal.

Seriously just walk away.

Nooooo you can do so much better, I have been In a similar predicament I usually have lol! My ex had depression and psoriasis, he also had an anger problem infact he had more baggage than heathrow airport ! I did all the looking up things too trying to help him, I fell in love with him, I found the messages on Facebook to other women I saw the messages to his phone from women who were just persistent and many more problems all within a year also, I tried so hard to help him but all he did in the end was drain me. He became emotionally blocked more and more angry lost his job and I still looked up how to help his anger problems etc etc. but like Congo says they're his problems only he can sort himself out, I know you love him but I'm telling you now that won't last unless he sorts himself out, you'll just get to the stage were your emotionally drained and had enough, this is not how a relationship should be, you probably know that as I did I just hoped he would change but he didn't....don't waste your life it's hard but sooner or later you'll realise there's nothing else you can do it's down to him I'm afraid x

He sounds awful from the start, flaky, then messaging and dating other women and now permanently smoking dope, cruel and you have no love life. You really need your self-protective mechanism to kick in and to get him out now. Then go on and be happy and find a nice person who is nice from the start. Sorry, but this is irredeemable.

What do you get out of this relationship?

You have listed a lot of negatives but I see no positives here.

The family thing is strange too, he really can't think that much of you tbh :-( x

I doubt very much that the dope dependence is new.You sound like a nice girl,he's a cheat a druggie and has a genetic factor which makes him smell.Sorry to sound cruel,I'm sure he has some good points but if you were my daughter I'd advise you to dump him.

Sorry.Didn't mean to condescend by calling you a girl.Should have said young woman.

Roxysmummy you sound like a lovely person.

Please get out of this awful relationship. It isn't going to get any better.

update, i had a snoop when he got home from uni and he has a viewing on a house tomorrow! charming! as you can imagine ive had the evening from hell, nothing makes sense as to why hes done this but hes saved me the trouble.

Look here at this article and scroll down to #4

It describes what you are doing right now and how much you are wasting your time and energy.

He needs to go

loving hum is not enough to make a relationship work

Sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing. I wouldn't want to go out with a weed smoker to be honest, if you're having this much trouble at the beginning of the relationship it doesn't bode well for the future. Do you have kids from another relationship? Wouldn't want any kids involved with an addict either. Hope you're ok!