Do you have a toxic MIL? And how do you cope?

[OhGood]

My MIL is emotionally manipulative and passive-aggressive. She makes constant underhanded digs about DH and I. Because of the way she behaves, we see her less and less, and because we see her less and less, she resents us more and more.

Do you have a difficult relationship with your MIL and how do you cope?

Commiserations. I have posted at length about my MIL on here.

The only way I cope is to disengage. DH has finally reached the point where he can do the same, most of the time and we do I not let her unpleasant comments go unremarked on. It is so warring though, having the same old comments and old arguments brought up over and over again.

Are you and your DH on the same side? It strikes me that problems people have with their MIL are most difficult to cope with when the H is trying harder to be a dutiful son than a supportive partner.

Well........... simply put, she isn't allowed to ring the home phone (although she does when she deems it an 'emergency' - caller ID is lovely) so she calls DH at work every Friday afternoon.......... every other Friday he'll actually pick up the phone I have no contact whatsoever and neither does DD.

disclaimer She was particularly awful (to everybody) shortly after DD was born which led to the majority of the family going NC with her and the 'not phoning the house' rule was made after she was very abusive and we had to block her via BT... It sounds very harsh but we have our reasons.

It's a very nice existence, but she has started sending up photos of people at her church with little digs about mothers day etc...... no doubt they believe all her crap and don't see thru the 'poor little old lady' persona that she has embodied since she was 45.

and breathe...............

I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful Mil that i'd do anything for, she's amazing.

the parental situation is / was ..... otherwise. The love of a child for parent(s) is incredibly strong and it takes an enormous amount to drive a kid away - but it can be done. PA comments and behaviour is something that aims to undermine and control you when you're a full grown adult and that is not ok.

I think that yes, this stuff does drive people away in pure self defense. It's what happens when people are nasty, subtly or not. The only way to handle it while keeping some contact is to emotionally step back and to keep calm at all times using the responses in a great book, Toxic Parents.

Keeping calm, not rising to the bait and calmly setting otu the truth of what happened helps. Also, I've found that keeping visits short helps. And setting boundaries; things that they know they can't get away with or you'll leave. Do it once or twice, and they get the message. At that point its up to them to decide if they want to keep behaving that way and driving you away, or not.

I'm afraid that their feelings of resentment, being let down, frustration, anger and spite are feelings that they alone can deal with. Their feelings are not your responsiblity, if you have acted reasonably and fairly as far as you can.

It's a good idea to think over if any GC should have contact or not. Depends on just how poisonous the MIL is

oh, cross post, I see that you've already reduced contact and that you and your husband are pretty much together on handling her ... great.

Ye there is nothing you can do about her badmouthing you :/ it sucks, it really does. A few experienced or perceptive people will know to not judge until they hear both sides, but sadly most will be taken in by the apparently-sweet-and-gentle old lady.

Are the photos by email? can you mark stuff from her as spam or delete unread?

Sorry, I seem to have hijacked the thread a little

I no longer worry about what she says to other people Meerka, we aren't in any way in her social circle . the photos always come via the post and they're always consigned to the recycling PDQ.

As you say, the main thing is to detach yourself emotionally (easier said than done) and obviously to have DH onside. It's much harder if the DH doesn't see it.

hehe I wasn't looking carefully I thought you were the OP! sorry! glad to hear that you and your husband are coping with her :)

I have a fairly difficult relationship with my mil.
What helps me is keeping my distance, seeing her infrequently yet being polite with her when I do have to see her.
She tries to undermine me at every opportunity but things have got better since dh has been on "my" side. This is still work in progress though tbh.

Sorry, I have not abandoned thread, just have teething DS.

I don't see or talk to her, DH makes a call once a week and sees her when he's in the same country, but I don't ever go

I have posted bits on here about mine, but not the full story. It is too long and too similar to other stories, so never felt compelled to. Needless to say, MIL is poisonous and horrible and DP's handling of her, has been pretty disappointing.

On Friday, I booked us in with Relate, as I was seriously considering leaving him, as I just cannot cope with anymore. We are marrying in May... This action, combined with my own parents saying they were going to get involved (after 6 years of maintaining a dignified silence) meant that yesterday, he went to see his parents to talk to them. MIL reacted in her usual irrational way, and DP, told them both that he was done with them and said goodbye.

Of course, DP feels awful, and I feel awful and guilty, that it has come to this. But, I am hoping, that in time, the lack of contact will mean no more arguments and he can get strong enough to move on.

We hit the jackpot. We have NC with my mother (for a whole host of reasons) but also struggle with MIL who can be very controlling. Luckily DH is fab and totally supportive, he just lets it all go over his head, doesn't even notice some of her snipes. I am trying very hard to learn the same technique.

MIL is OK, but my DM is like this: passive aggressive, making little digs, self-centred, attention-seeking, dismissive of others feelings / opinions, judgmental etc. She can also be a lot of fun and really loving and generous. But we can only cope with her in small doses. We cope with it by keeping her at a distance. It is fortunate that she lives quite far away. We visit rarely. I speak to her on the phone about once a week. Since I have detached from her somewhat emotionally, I am much much happier.

So now DD has norovirus and DS continues to teethe, so I am so sorry not to have proper responses.

Feeling a bit luckier reading some of these - good lord. Heart goes out to you.

majestic - great name btw - I think our situation sounds closest to yours. Tho the good bits are increasingly eroded as MIL gets more isolated - she is retired, v bitter divorce 20 years ago which she still incessantly goes on about and which has ruined her life, sits at home doing nothing but drinking rum and brooding and watching xfactor.

DH is the only one of the 3 kids who sees his father, having recently made contact, which is a part of the reason for her downer on us, I think.

My problem is 1. no-one in my family ever behaves like this. ever. Have no idea how to cope. 2. I still hope that somehow we can all be a happy and supportive family. My own family are all on a different continent.

I guess I need to let go of no 2...

I share your problem no 2. I would love to somehow find a way to have a happy and supportive family but without the sniping and judging. And sometimes they are fab but other times, they just completely over step the mark without a second thought.

We have to find a way to manage our expectations. We can't expect them to be our replacement family or our ideal of what we think families should be. I find just talking to friends really helps. They help validate my feelings and remind me that the in-laws' demands can be ridiculous and that I haven't lost my marbles.

I don't speak to MIL. I block all her calls and texts to save me being disrespectful/rude towards her. I tolerated a lot living in her house with STBXH and now that I am rid of her, I feel no need to converse (even small talk is asking too much from me). She doesn't get why I'm "behaving like this" and I don't even care to explain why.

I share the longing for a happy family. Even with my great MIL, nothing replaces the love of the family(s) who raised you. But I guess all these years later I've accepted it will never happen. Sadness, but reluctant acceptance now.

Sadly unless your MIL changes, don't think there is any alternative to regretfully accepting that a happy family won't ever exist.

Coping with it? Well, up to a point that comes with accepting that you'll never have a loving and close relationship. Would treating her as an unpleasant acquaintance that you can't get away from work, rather than as family? With emotional distance, the digs might get to you less. Alternatively, only going for rather less contact will work really.

I guess the third option when she makes digs is to say calmly "no, that's not the way it was" or challenge it in some other way (calmly!). Don't let her get away with it. It takes a lot of work though and it can bring out into the open what is pretty covert at the moment - and that can lead to direct conflict. It might work, depending how far sunk into herself she is and if she's capable of looking outside herself and working on the relationship, or it might not work.

I don't think my MIL is quite in the same league as others here. DH and I got married within a year of meeting and are from different countries so I didn't get to know his mum before we married. I consider myself a pretty easy going person and get on with most people and I had high hopes for my MIL as we had some things in common - mainly our faith which is important to both of us.

However, after 17 years I have learnt that the best thing is to have some polite emotional distance because we are very different people. To be fair to my MIL I imagined I would have a relationship somewhat like that I had with my own mum but my mum and MIL are also very different. My MIL can be lots of fun, a good laugh and at times caring. But the main thing I find very challenging is my MIL doesn't really want to be a grown-up! Often she is trying to make me and DH responsible for her. We don't take that responsibility but I know she can (or tries to) put immense emotional pressure and blackmail on DH. There has been frequent hysteria, screaming and constant drama from MIL. I have found the best way to cope is to just to create emotional space and distance between us, as I have definitely been devasted at times by some of her bahavior. However, because my own mum was a great role model I have maintained strong boundaries throughout our marriage. I want to care for and respect my MIL as she is the mum of my lovely DH. So I behave in ways in which I can be proud of and can hold my head up when relating to her - even if my MIL still doesn't think much of me (mainly I think because she can't control me!).

I am somewhat sad for the relationship I thought we could've had as my own mum died - but realistically MIL is not capable of the mature, reciprocal relationship I had with my own mum.

I think being honest about what you can realistically expect, and having low expectations of how close you are ever likely to be, helps.

I confuse MIL, I won't comply, I won't do her bidding, I laugh in her face and tease her. But only when I am completely safe to do so. My Mum says I'm naughty For example when DP had long hair she hated it and thought if she told him to cut it he would and I would naturally back her up, I didn't and then when he was dressing for his brothers wedding in front of her gave him a lovely head scarf in the wedding colours would have looked nice too . You should have seen her face! I tell DP to stand up to her in front of her and he does. She is obsessed with making every one as fat as her food, she was busy filling everyone's plates and DP said 'no thanks, that's enough' she sloped it on his plate anyway, 'Hey!', I told him to put it on her plate and he did.
It has become very clear that her behaviour in front of me is modified. Sometimes now just a look will do. Sadly not so in front of DP and DS's. I'm currently working on that, she will not bully my children and DP like my GM did to us. My GM was worse than her, I have a lifetime of experience, sadly. But DP sadly tells me how his DM said this or that and how hurt he is, always out of my earshot.
Currently I am waiting the outcome of the first ever e-mail I have sent about the behaviour of other members of the family to my children and pointed out clearly that if things continue I will not sit back and let them be treated like that, end result will be NC. She knows I don't like her behaviour in a subtle way, so hope fully I won't have to say to much and she'll realise that bullying by anybody of my DS's will not be tolerated. DP can't deal very well with all this, but say's he's backing me up with the surprise e mail. I didn't bother pointing out I'd put I and me, not we and us. Nobody will hurt my DC.

Sorry that hardly sound's like she does anything, it's all very PA and manipulating. But's that's it really isn't it? Lots of little things building up.

Lots of things building up is definitely how it is for. MIL doesn't like things to be different to what she wants whether that's the vet we chose or the parenting choices we make. And she doesn't know how to accept that a choice other than hers could have any value, so she doesn't let it drop.

I started seeing a counsellor a while ago about issues around my own mother, but I now use some of my sessions to try and help me rationalise some of what goes on with the in-laws. It has helped quite a bit. I do sometimes wish they would see someone about their control issues though! Note to self, must not try to change other people even if it would be for their own good : )

If you met my MIL you would think she was the nicest person in the world, church goer, can't do enough for you etc.

I've had 20 years of very subtle digs about how dh married beneath him and he could have done so much better (He nearly went to Cambridge you know - she plays down the "nearly"). Has no interested in our DDs, but talks endlessly about SILs children.

Treats dh like a five year old. ( he has finally woken up and won't have it anymore)

She makes out they are very upper middle class- she is very hyacinth bucket. Tea and cucumber sandwiches, the works.
Talks endlessly about a cousin who married into a very wealthy family. DH dug into the family history (and loved doing it) - they are all coal miners and labourers from South wales, inc one ancestor who did hard labour in prison for "poultry theft" and several who were listed on the census as "pauper", OMG I laughed- so did dh- and MIL had a catsbum face for days and refused to believe he had the right family (fairly common name)
She HATED it when I met a senior royal family member due to a volunteer role I do.

Not really toxic compared to a lot of you I know

"We have to find a way to manage our expectations. We can't expect them to be our replacement family or our ideal of what we think families should be. I find just talking to friends really helps. They help validate my feelings and remind me that the in-laws' demands can be ridiculous and that I haven't lost my marbles."

listwriter you've nailed it, I do sometimes think I'm being over-react-y. It is important to know objectively that she is behaving badly, not me.

And same as with the lots of small things building up. Dig did dig bloody dig, and always in an undertone or an aside or backhandedly through someone else.

The other thing I think will help is meerka - your suggestion about calmly challenging her. I think that if I can bring into the open, especially in front of the rest of her family (just my BIL and SIL really) how mad / mean / irrational she is being, that might rein her in. Hmmm.

And yes, detach detach detach...

scaredycat that's also interesting, and I have wondered about dealing with her in that way too - sending her up, making her ridiculous when she is being ridiculous. Laughing when she's being horrible.

fatowl "Has no interested in our DDs, but talks endlessly about SILs children." - I know that as soon as my SIL has kids mine will be consigned to the scrapheap and god that really, really hurts.

Finally honey you are right, whatever happens we have to be well-mannered and restrained.