Would you be worried?

[Confusedmuch1234]

Hi
Just wanted some advice.
Have been married for a few years now and things are fine was a few issues a while ago with messages to other girls over FB nothing in them just chat but were still hidden! Anyway at work he has been doing more with a certain colleague i knew her name but nothing else after a few months i find out she is our age and single.

We went to his work Christmas party and she was there didn't hardly say 2 words and when she did was rude. I said the next day that i thought she and some others were miserable. Literally just that and it started world war 3!!! He spent a good while just defending this girl saying that she was nice and why did i have a problem. I only said it becasue he always tells me how he hardly speaks to anyone at work and always works through his lunch so they are hardly his friends. He then said why what do you think we are having an affair or something! I hadn't said anything along those lines as i do trust him.

I got really upset and he was really sorry so we put it to one side over Christmas.

He doesn't have her number stored on his phone and they are not 'friends' on FB.

Would you be worried or am i just being silly and over thinking things? I would be so shocked if something was going on as he really isn't the type but isn't that what everyone says!

Thanks x

That sounds overly defensive, doesn't it?

"Do you think we are having an affair?" sounds like projecting - you didn't bring it up, he did.

However irrational, yes I'd be worried. Sorry OP.

Philanderers won't leave a trail. She could be 'dave' in his phone.

And yes if you smell a rat, there probably is one

It was so defensive... if i had said his family were miserable then ok but he literally makes out they are colleagues and nothing more that's why i was so shocked!

umm i did think another name... is it always the ones you really dont expect? x

Would be worried too. That is a total 'over-reaction' and it isn't like he hasn't got 'form' is it?
Have you checked her number isn't under another name? Is his FB account totally 'open' to you?

If your gut instinct is telling you something isn't right here, it most likely isn't. Sorry! Unfortunately without more proof there is little you can do at the moment without you looking like a mad woman.

Sorry, cross-posted with Job there but yes, she would definitely be under another name. Cheaters are usually quite crafty but in an obvious way.

Sounds like he plays things down to you...."works through lunch....hardly speaks to anyone" Could be innocent and as he has caused problems before with his private messaging on fb that he plays all social interaction with women down.
However always trust your gut instinct.

I am just going to jump in here and say that I think sometimes people on MN can be, however unintentionally, a bit quick to jump on situations and assume the worst.

If everyone on MN took the advice they were given, so many people would LTB without even communicating properly with their DP.

I am not saying that there is or is not something to worry about. Only you know yourself, your relationship, and your husband. Are you often jealous, or is this an unusual situation? How does your husband normally communicate with you? Is he generally quick to jump to the defensive post, or is this unusual behaviour for him?

What would it look like if you were to sit down, and calmly and directly discuss your concerns?

i don't know what his password is for FB and i would have no idea what her number would be. I know before he has been really quick to delete messages off his phone so i really wouldn't be surprised.

Like you say hard to do anything without looking crazy!! x

Yes, Grump you are right about that but no-one is saying "LTB" to this. Confused has reason not to trust him and is living in that horrible sick feeling world of not knowing if she can trust him now.
Look for woman's name in it's male version or similar ie Kim under Kev.
Does he have an itemised phone-bill? Does he sleep with his phone right next to him? Does he ever get late night texts? People often don't 'log off' FB on their phones. I leave mine open for instance but that is because I have nothing to hide.

You wouldn't have to be Columbo to have suspicions here and that, IMHO, is half the problem. He's acting in a very dodgy way (especially considering his history) and is expecting you to suck it up.

No, sorry, I didn't mean to say that people had been suggesting to LTB.

And I agree, there are definitely elements of the OP which give pause...

I am just saying that before the OP plummets even further into that deep dark dungeon of jealous despair, she tries to sit down with DH and chat through things.

My very point is that we don't know anything about him or his history other than this one situation...context? Is this out of character? etc.

My thoughts, being a reasonably jealous and anxious people, are that I am not sure if I would find it helpful if a bunch of people backed me up 100% about my suspicions when really there isn't much actual evidence to go on...

I do get insecure as i have been in bad relationships but i really try to not let this get in the way.

It was totally out of character for him i was shocked he literally says nothing about these work people (80% are women there) and says works through lunch, doesnt speak to them blah blah so i was surprised with the defending becasue i said they were miserable!

We have spoken about it and i told him calmly afterwards how unhappy i was and all he said was he wouldn't do that to me. Over Christmas we have had 2 seperate friends leave partners over cheating so maybe this has made me feel worse.

I asked if he fancied her and all he said was he doesn't look at people in a 'i fancy you' kind of way. No denying it
x

Hrmm...

I don't know what advice to give in this situation.

I suppose you could always ask him for access to his work emails, and just see how he reacts?

Or, give yourself a couple of weeks to see how you feel then, try and set it aside, and if it's still bothering you, then reassess what action to take?

It's so hard, and I guess much of it does come down to what your gut instinct says...

thanks so much no one really to talk to x

No worries, just glad we can help!

Hopefully you find a resolution and can put this behind you.

Ah bless it's impossible to say without a bit of snooping, it's horrible isn't it. I hate fb causes so much trouble! It's put a doubt in your mind though and if your like me it'll play on your mind. Awful as it is I would check his phone texts and fb for my own piece of mind, that's how I discovered my exs discrepancies and there were many and just for the record I was right with my feeling he was up to something, but that doesn't mean yours is, hope you get closure x

Also check for a message app on his phone like ChatOn, Whatsapp, BBM, not just texts.

He who doth protest too much... I would be very very suspicious after that outbreak over a casual comment about people at work. It does him no favours having hidden comments to/from other women, even if they weren't 'terrible'.

Yes - the ones who you think would be 'the last one' - are often the first :(