My cousin is bad mouthing me to everyone!!

[LadyMaryofDownton]

Hi, i really hope someone can help me as i really am unsure how to handle this woman. Back story will be very long be please stay with me if you can as it is essential and i don't want to drip feed.Beware some of this sounds playground, but it is ruining my relationships

She is in her mid thirties, i am a few years younger. We grew up together in the same small town and spent most of our childhood together as well as our teenage years. She lives with her sister and both of them have never been in a relationship or had children, both of them claim DLA for an injury sustained from a car accident a few years ago. Only adding this as it gets played on a lot and most people feel sorry for them as did i. I got married, moved quite far away and have three children. I have a happy life in all other aspects apart from this situation.

We were very close, went every where together and spent the weekend going out together with a large group of friends. Since then we have drifted apart mostly due to the fact the she has spent the best part of her life telling lies and spreading horrible gossip about me, both at work and to anyone who would listen. I got a very good job a few months after i graduated from university, my cousin had been unemployed from about the age of 19. A few months into my job and i was given an unexpected promotion, one which left my job vacant. I suggested she trained under a government scheme and tried out for my old job. I put in a good word for her with my manager and she got an interview with him. I talked her through the questions and the exam she would have to take. She had the interview did ok but failed the exam, another word to my manager who trusted me completely and she was allowed to retake the exam, which she then passed. I was pleased she got the job as i really wanted her to get out of the rut she had been stuck in.

A few months later and she was unsteady on her feet but i helped her and eventually she was able to manage the workload without as much help from me. We ended up working opposite shifts and started to see less of each other, when i was approached my a friend/work colleague who informed me that my cousin had been bashing me to any one who would listen. Silly things to start with but the undermined most of my life outside work and i felt that it reflected badly on me. However she was making her self out to be some sort of saint, helping the elderly, giving to charity, running marathons for sick children & going to church (all lies). I ignored what had been said but again people kept approaching me and telling me about this situation, it went on for months when i felt i had to tell my manager. He was already aware has someone had informed him and he approached my cousin and gave her a warning. Fast forward a few years, i had a baby, my partner left me and my cousin informed my office, a rather large department, of what had happened along with the story that my DP had been arrested for drug possession and intent to supply!! (Not true at all).

My manager and now friend called me on my maternity leave to see if i was OK and this is when i was informed of this horrible lie. Eventually i went back to work and my professional reputation was in tatters due to these lies. I stuck it out for another two years before i gave up and left the job of my dreams. I decided to confront her and took her out for lunch, a regular thing i would do with her. I asked her outright why she was doing this and she told me that she hated me and wanted everyone to see that i wasn't as perfect as i made out to be. Then once she had said that she denied everything and fled crying saying i was trying to ruin her life. A few moths after my departure she was sacked for various reasons and has never held a job since.

That was quite a few years ago and i thought we had mended bridges, i am a forgive and forget kind of person where family are concerned. Although i knew that she had still been gossiping to my/her family and her friends about me. My parents and DH are well aware of her antics but everyone just tells me to ignore her and she will stop. Well its been years and she hasn't. It is seriously starting to effect my relationships with my family now. Two of my aunts barley speak to me anymore, her mother and her sisters refused to come to my wedding and it really is starting to divide a once very close family. I live so far away its hard to build bridges and even though i txt and call everyone regularly and visit as often as i can it seems that its doing no good. She really has painted a picture of me as a stuck up person who looks down on everyone else (also not true). Not all of my family believe her i should add as my mother, aunt and even my grandmother (who ended up very ill due to her lies)as also been her victim but everyone else seems blinded by her and have forgotten everything she has done. its like if they aren't on her receiving end of her bad treatment they don't care.

She decided a few months ago that she hated me, told everyone so and that she and her sister would no longer tolerate me and are not speaking to me. Honestly this is all so immature i really don't know how to handle it. I have never come across anyone like this before and friends think its so crazy it cant be true and surely no woman in her thirties would act like this.

If you have gotten this far, well done you need a medal. Any sane advice for me is welcome as i feel i am living in a bloody nightmare at times.

I have a similar situation, although the details are different, in my life. The only way I ave found to deal with it is to retreat or, in Mumsnet language, go no contact. I'm determined to be the better person so I always send Christmas and birthday cards etc., despite knowing I'll never get one back, and I'm very careful not to slag her off in return when her behaviour is reported to me. Leave her to her nasty games, in time she'll hang herself.

You can't choose what and who people want to believe. It is also nigh on impossible to go around correcting rumours as they pop up or setting the story straight. All you can reasonably do is go firmly no contact with this person, live your life to your own standards, rise above it and hope that the people that matter respond to that.

No contact, maintain a careful distance with the relatives choosing to believe her, and (important) ask people not to tell you what she says anymore. People often think they are helping, but really they end up doing the bully's work for her. Also, if you are on FB, block her and anyone likely to report what you post to her.

It is quite possible a lot of people recognise what she says is untrue but are unwilling to take a position on it for fear of being the next people to be bullied by your cousin.

I don't understand why you forgave her when she made it quite clear that she didn't have any remorse for what she had done and wasn't even a little bit apologetic. She isn't going to change, so you have to. Distance and detachment might be the only way, but it is a shame her family believe her given that they must know what she's like - unfortunately that's another thing you can't change, but you'll have to just let it go. If they are determined to believe the worst about you, then they aren't worth fighting for.

Well she has been NC for a few months but before that we had really just seen each other at family events- Birthdays etc. I never really had a conversation for a while. I had to carry on for my family her mother and my mother are sisters so its very awkward as we were such a close family, think Irish Italian, the sense of family loyalty is huge (not recently it seems).

It makes me sad though that i have been really close to these people and now i feel that they want nothing to do with me. I have been helping my aunt with a very difficult situation the past year and i really thought we were good, until i over heard her on the phone to my cousin saying that i was in her house again and she couldn't stand me after what i had done to my cousin (apparently i was the reason she left her job at my office, she never admitted she had been sacked). I heard this whole fabrication only a few feet away, I was so upset i had been helping out so much and really cared for my aunt and this was how she felt all along. I left and haven't contacted her since even though in that situation i was cutting of my nose to spite my face so to speak.

If i confronted her it was cause the biggest fall out ever, believe me it would not be pretty for anyone and i don't want to upset my elderly grandparents or our parents either.

The aunt you were helping. Is she this cousin's DM?

Also this has been going on for a very long time almost ten years since i left university and i have been ignoring it. I am at the end of my tether with her now.

No she my mothers sister, also my cousins aunt.

i am a forgive and forget kind of person where family are concerned.

Sorry but I can never understand this attitude, why should somebody who only has a relationship with you because of an accident of birth more deserving of forgiveness than somebody who has done something to earn a place in your life? Some people, including you obviously, have family members who are massive twats. You should treat them as you would any other massive twat - have nothing to do with them.

Her behaviour is really very peculiar and spiteful. You confronted her once and got the full Oscar performance so I don't thin confronting her again would achieve anything except to give her the satisfaction of knowing she has needled you . Now that you know the aunt is as hateful as the cousin, you can give both a wide berth.

Yellow you are very right i am starting to believe this but telling my family this is like talking to a brick wall. I honestly cannot be around her but i have put on a brave face for years now. That's why i want it to end i am fed up pretending now.

Do people like this give up when ignored? How can i stop it, it seems nothing is working.

Am surprised at my aunt as the tables really have turned she was burned only a few years ago by my cousin and now she is defending her, its amazing. I feel like i have to keep trying with my aunt though especially as she is going through a very tough time atm and i am very close to two of her sons. My cousin lives a few streets away from her (cousin and her sister moved to a closer house to my family a few years ago) and as both her and my aunt are unemployed it seems they spend a lot of time together so maybe this is why they are closer now.

CogitoE yes it is very peculiar i just cant work out why she is doing it, i swear i have never done anything to her.

"I asked her outright why she was doing this and she told me that she hated me and wanted everyone to see that i wasn't as perfect as i made out to be."

This is the 'why' I suspect. Jealousy and a thing called 'predatory self-esteem' where someone can only feel good about themselves by making others feel bad. It's not at all rational and she may even have some unresolved mental health issues. You say she's in her thirties.... gainfully employed? partner? children?

"she was burned only a few years ago by my cousin and now she is defending her"

Sometimes people suck up to bullies in an attempt to immunise themselves from the same treatment. Children do it with abusive parents for example.

No not employed she had two jobs after the one in my office and in both she had arguments with the management and had to leave after only a short time and was very proud to tell about how she stood up to the bad managers on both occasions. Shes been unemployed for quite some time now. No partner, has never held a relationship or had children.

Maybe that's the reason why but my aunt defends her behavior and constantly brings my cousin into conversations. For example we had a big family dinner recently and my aunt talked the whole time about how great my cousin is each time the conversation was changed she went out of her way to steer it back to my cousin.... crazy. I made a promise along time ago never to speak about my cousin to anyone except to my DH & my DM so i ignore as much as possible.

People have told me that she might be the jealous type but I've never fully understood jealousy because I've never felt that way about anyone.

She once said that she was jealous of her best friend because she was married and had kids. I said well your time will come to which she replied "Well maybe but in the mean time i'll just have to gain satisfaction that BF has had two miscarriages, maybe she's not so lucky after all". This floored me and i could never look at her without remembering that comment since, it repulsed me.

She sounds jealous, and pretty messed up as well. Keep your children well away from her, whatever you do.

Definitely unbalanced. Her life sounds very empty, she seems bitter and sadly people like that can regard shit-stirring as a form of entertainment. Gaining 'satisfaction' from someone else losing babies goes way beyond schadenfreude. I'm sure others do feel sorry for her but there's nothing you can do about that either.

Thanks for all the replies. I am trying hard to understand her so i can get on with my life and not let this bother me. I suppose it probably won't end so i may as well try and forget it/ignore it has best as possible.

Maybe she is unbalanced but she seems so happy and outgoing when we are all together she really is the center of attention when we meet.h Where as i am quite reserved. You would never guess that she is this spiteful or that a bad word would come out of her mouth let alone do this to her family.

Its having a very negative impact on my poor mother too, who now cant believe a word her sister says.

Oooh.... centre of attention. :) There are lots of ways to be the centre of attention. There's being happy, outgoing and life and soul of the party constructive type behaviour but there is also the destructive method e.g. creating drama, telling lies, shit-stirring, invoking pity, casting blame. The more you describe the more the words 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' are just hovering into view....

she sounds dreadful. So sorry you've had so much trouble from her.

All I can suggest is building up new friends and keeping in touch with the family that does see through her. Kind of devastating in a close family, but the way things are going there's little choice. Youve lost so much already and she'll keep on going til you loose more.

Very hurtful of your aunt. I'm afraid that you have to step away from her given how she really feels about you, bad time or not. If you wished, you could send her a letter telling her way and setting the record straight. More for yoru own satisfaction than anything else.

Please realise this has nothing to do with you, who you are, what you've done. It's all about your cousin and her personality.

I' ve a sister who behaves in a similar way, only not so extreme. She would deliberately try to embarrass me at family events, funerals, weddings whatever. She'd pick me up and drop me as it suited her. She was extremely jealous of my life, which is an ordinary one. I found I had to constantly affirm and praise her. It was exhausting. My OH used to dread her re-appearing because I'd always end up hurt. When I married him she was so put out she ignored me for nearly ten years. When she did speak to me again she told me I couldn't expect her to like him because our parents did!

It took me seeing her treat her "best friend" really badly, using and abusing her and bragging about it before I suddenly thought " What a bitch". Then I properly recognised how she had treated me. That was the eye-opening moment. I've gone NC. I don't give a fuck what she says about me because anyone who is stupid enough or cowardly enough to believe her isn't worth worrying about.

Incidentally (or not) my sister also hasn't ever had a long term relationship. She is gainfully employed but apparently the only one in the whole hospital who knows what they are doing. She has a daughter but has successfully destroyed the relationship between her daughter and my children.

Some people are just too toxic. They prey on people who forgive and forget, enabling them to get away with their behaviour.

Sorry this is so long, I've just gone and vented all over your thread.

I had to Google NPD very informative and confusing but i think you might be on to something there Cogito Meerka i had thought of that but i think my aunt would show her and that would make her very happy.

nameoftherose Hugs for you, its really awful to live with someone trying their best to destroy you. I've gone NC in the hope she backs off but its wishful thinking.

Will explore NPD more closely. If anyone else can think of anything i'd appreciate all the info i can get on handling this situation. Thank you all.

You don't 'handle' someone with NPD mostly. You form a metaphorical circle around yourself and your loved ones and do your level best to keep them well outside of it.

NC isn't 'wishful thinking' - it just may take a while to really affect the situation. You'll need to make it genuine NC though - no contact either positive or negative.

I'm not sure there's any point in trying to understand her at this point. She's too toxic for you to help, or certainly for you to help without damaging yourself and your close family. I'd just forget about her.

I can understand your frustration, but in my situation I found that in time, everyone including her own mother has come to see how she really is. We don't discuss it much but they don't have anything good to say about her. They know and are uncomfortable and just keep the peace. By 'taking the high ground' I have definitely come out of the situation looking and feeling better.

This reminds me a little of the movie 'The American President', in particular this bit:

President Andrew Shepherd: Look, if the people want to listen to-...

Lewis Rothschild: They don't have a choice! Bob Rumson is the only one doing the talking! People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.

People in your family want to talk, know about each other, discuss friends with each other. YOU aren't talking. YOU won't say anything about her, bad or good. So they are listening to her. You think you're being all dignified, but actually you've withdrawn yourself from your family for a very long time, so of course they've turned to her. SHE is involving them - in a negative way but they just want to be involved!

I'm really sorry to say but in your idealism you have completely let her get away with it.

What on earth can your mother say to defend you to her own sisters when you won't SAY ANYTHING????!!!!

If you want to live in a closely involved family, you just can't behave this way. If you want to keep yourself to yourself, then you can't have that close involvement I'm afraid.