How do I get my head around this? (Long, sorry)

[ohtobemeagain]

DH has admitted to an affair, it is over and he is going out of his way to help me get past it.

But I'm hung up over an affair I think he had several years ago. At the time, I didn't suspect this, I trusted him totally. I knew he spoke to, emailed and texted this woman, but he never seemed to withhold anything.

In light of the affair he has admitted to, he has given me full transparency (not that I needed it, it turns out I have a gift for snooping!). I came across email conversations with her. They are very very flirty - both ways, bordering on explicit. Having met her, and heard phone conversations with her, I know this is her way and, at the time, I didn't worry about them (I didn't have MN then ).

Now they are bothering me . Not the fact that the conversations happened, he acknowledges how disrespectful they were and has apologised, but I now feel, strongly, that there was more, that there was a physical affair.

He has denied it.

He has confessed to something far worse so why not this?

Unfortunately, however explicit the emails are, they do not indicate anything happening but a couple do end with "Calling" so I do not know how those conversations ended.

He has told me to ring her and ask. He offered me her phone number, but I already had it . He has not tipped her off from what I can find, so not having spoken to her for approx 3 years, he is confident of her replies.

I don't really see the use as I think she will deny it so I don't tell her new husband (man she was living with when I suspect the affair). I have no desire to screw up her life, but will ring her if MN thinks I should.

All this has come to a head as I was reading another thread and Not Just Friends was mentioned. I thought to myself that I ought to re-read it in the hopes of getting past this, but then realised I didn't want to get past it, I wanted to KNOW.

So, what do I do?

Oh - and I feel for you, coming across so proud of your snooping ability. I had that pride too. Actually, it was better to swap it for pride in myself, for leaving him. It's a bit hollow isn't it? Being "clever enough" to catch them out? I was definitely trying to make myself feel less stupid, but finding evidence. I finally felt less stupid when I divorced the fucker.

I finally felt less stupid when I divorced the fucker.

Yep, the ultimate in finding your self respect. Scrabbling around for anything else is simply an exercise in self sabotage.

Sorry, work got in the way of MNing

I've allowed this thread to become derailed, I don't need to be told to LTB, I know what DH is, and I know what he is capable of. I also know that, other than 2 incidents prior to last year, he has been a lovely husband.

Of the 2 incidents,

1. neither of us understood the concept of an EA, he had a female friend and that was it, I could of pushed the issue then, but events happened and he changed jobs.

1. What has he done wrong? I suspect he did something wrong, but just as I can't prove he did, he can't prove he didn't. He has repeatedly said to me that it would have been easier to tell me that something DID happen, than to have me keep bringing this up.

I think I wanted this thread to either tell me to get over it or..... I don't know, find a magic wand, a time machine, anything to move on. I could LTB over this, but over the last 4ish months our marriage has been fantastic. Except when I start obsessing over this woman.

I could ring her. I could ring three other people who worked with them at the time, 1 of whom would definitely know. One of those 3 people was working for us, and we have just fired him. I have been expecting him to ring me and tell me everything, but he hasn't. Firing him will have seriously screwed his life (snooping helped with this no end, and saved us a lot of money as I caught him at it) but still he hasn't exacted revenge by telling me what went on.

AF, in hindsight, you're right. My previous DP was what happened. One area of trust I have is that I know without a shadow of doubt, that DH will never, ever, hit me. After my first relationship, this is very important to me. DP was a narcissist, I was emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I only told DH about this after disclosure. He was beyond fantastic and I wish to god I had done it sooner, then certain issues in our marriage would never have arisen.

Doing nothing, telling yourself he's a lovely husband and trying to get over it is always an option. But trust is a very fragile thing and, once broken, things are never quite the same. Over time, loss of trust and loss of respect can be very corrosive. So good luck but keep your eyes wide open

Sorry, in my last post all references that say "D"P should, of course, say ExP. "D" didn't fit him at all!

I haven't done "nothing". He knows just how lucky he is that I allowed him to stay. He knows that ANY suspicion in the future and I won't bother to snoop.

Yes, it has changed the marriage, but, to be honest, it needed changing and that is partly my fault.

But, how do I move past this suspicion? A lot of posts on MN say go with the gut instinct, and my gut does tell me he didn't have sex with her. But I'm a bit of a control freak and sometimes the not knowing for sure makes me obsessive. Do I ring her? Do I ring one of the others that worked there (they became friends not just DH's ex colleagues)? Or do I accept that I can never be sure and move on?

I told my now ex, in counselling, that I didn't believe him but that I was choosing to move on anyway.

It didn't work, and I don't know anyone it has worked for.

You want to stay with him, that's your choice. I would just say... EYES WIDE OPEN.

Set yourself check points. Every day you feel unhappy about not knowing the truth about this first one, make a note in your diary. Have a check point after 3 months, whatever, to see how you have felt.

You only need to know about this, because you don't trust him. What if you find out for sure that he didn't have sex with her? It doesn't change the fact that you do not trust him. He has to make you trust him.

I suggest you set a mental timescale, and ask yourself honestly at the end of it, if you trust him. Trust that he's telling the truth about that. Because until you trust him on that, you will always feel... actually, my friend reminded me of a bit in Love Actually, where Emma Thonpson says that life will always be a little bit worse. Something like that, anyway. Resonated. It's a horrible way to live. I had no idea how sad I was until I left. Other people noticed too.

Just remember. If after time you DON'T trust him - that is not your failing, it is HIS.

Best of luck to you.

and the use of prostitutes ? Has that been put in a box and filed away as "too difficult" too ?

Sorry, love. It seems like you have had a rough time. But just because this one is a 5/10 shit instead of a 10/10 doesn't make it ok

the only amount of poor treatment you should be accepting is 0/10

re. your ex employee...perhaps he has some scruples and doesn't believe that hurting you would be a humane way to act

unlike your husband

AF - the past employee is under no illusion of who it was who fired him, he has no reason whatsoever to avoid hurting me.

I know I shouldn't have mentioned the prostitute as the majority of MN are against their use (and rightly so) but, of everything, that weirdly was the thing that hurt least.

I am pretty certain that was the first time. Six months ago I learnt a lot more about the seedier side of life than I ever wanted or needed to. Who knew you could book prostitutes online! I have his login for the website, and I have read the emails between them for the booking, and my gut truly tells me that it was the first time. Was there a second time? Who can say. He certainly didn't book anymore through this site, and he hasn't had the opportunity to do since I found out. I have strong evidence that he didn't go back to the same one, nor searched for another, and where he was staying was very rural so unlikely to have a red light district. I appreciate that there are other ways to find one, but I don't believe he did. And he seriously did just want a BJ as I wouldn't oblige.

Yuk. Sorry, I don't know how you can look at his disgusting face over the cornflakes of a morning.

Not helpful, I know.

Don't do it. Don't stick around. It WILL happen again and you WILL feel worse. My stbx did worse prostitutes porn chat lines escorts drugs drink and it only ever got better for a while. Anyfucker I remember said Ltb just for pissing in the bed alone.
By day great ok dp by night a total prick. Then he started being a useless dp in the day too. Here I am years later divorcing. Ignore those who have been there at your peril. I did but the split came eventually anyway.

And booking a prostitute online? Come on how premeditated! For a BJ? All that trouble for a BJ? Really? Sometimes we try to convince ourselves of all sorts when really we know the score.

Somebody that desperate for "relief" would just have a wank. Not go to the trouble of doing online bookings and wotnot. DTB is right. It stinks to high heaven, sorry. He probably had the full experience at least that once and is laughing behind his stupid mush at getting away with it.

Why say you shouldn't have mentioned prostitutes on here?

Some MNers think prostitution is fine. Not me, personally.

Tell you what though - you find me a single person on here or ANYWHERE who says it's OK to use a prostitute when you are married, and your wife doesn't know. Come on, you're brighter than that. You have more self respect than that - don't you? He hasn't taken it all, has he?

It doesn't matter whether it hurt less - it tells you who this man is. He'd do that to you, for a BLOW JOB? And you want to be with him? What an arsehole.

You're good at snooping. Try checking his SatNav, search any postcodes you don't recognise. Drive yourself demented wondering if there was a prostitute on that street. Then hit the snooper jackpot with a postcode that matches a massage parlour. Google is your friend. All this is personal experience. When you've done that, ask yourself if it's the way you want to live. Take it from me, it sucks.
God, it was bad enough when I thought he'd done it - no idea how you're not going insane knowing that he did it, and watching for that.

Of course, perhaps it's OK for him to use a prostitute, afterall - you've said yourself you wouldn't give him a BJ.

Bad wife.

I'm surprised he didn't leave you.

You ought to do the stuff he likes, not surprised he had the affair if you didn't care enough to do a small but nice thing like suck his cock. Do you have issues or something? Poor bloke.

I hope that's making you angry. If so - that's how he's treated you - go turn that anger on him. What an arsehole.

Don't phone her, or your ex-employees!! It will destroy your self-respect

you will never know if he did or didnt

don't you think he has done enough already??

I am sorry, OP. This must feel awful