My gf and I want a baby, but I'm concerned about the lack of a male role model

[suspiciousmind29]

Hi

This is really hard for me to write actually. Not sure why if I'm being honest, but here we go....

Ok, so I am a previously straight woman with a 7 year old dd from my last long term relationship. I've always considered myself as possibly bi, but then I met and fell head over heels in love with a woman. Not expected ATALL, but nevertheless, I am in a lesbian relationship and we are now all living together and have been for a few months now.

We're very happy and stable and my dd loves her to pieces and the feeling is very much mutual. She still sees her dad loads and has a better relationship with him now, than she did when we were together.

My gf never wanted children before she met me, but now she would love us to have our own child/children and go down the sperm donor route. I didn't think I wanted any more children, but since meeting my gf, I realised that I was just with the wrong person and now I've found the right person, I would love another child. Obviously there's the ever so slight problem of us both being female. In this day and age, there are options obviously, but I'm not as 100% about it as my gf is.

I'm 29 and I know that's not old, but I know it's going to take a few years for this to actually happen, because of financially stability etc and I always said I didn't want children past my early 30's. Of course, this is just ideal and so it's not my main concern, just a little niggle I suppose. My number one concern is the guilt I might feel that our dc doesn't have a dad, like her sister has.

I have expressed my concerns recently to my gf, but she really doesn't get where I'm coming from. She believes that the main thing is that the dc will have 2 loving parents and the fact that he/she will have no dad is kind of irrelevant..........but I'm really not sure I agree. I kind of agree with the first bit, but as for it not being important that there is no dad on the scene, I don't know.

That's it really, I don't know. I'm really confused because I love her so much and yes, my desire to have another child and a child with her, is very strong and I know she would make a wonderful mum.

So, should I just forget about the lack of a father 'issue' and just remember that the child would be brought up in a loving and stable environment? Or am I right to listen and question my likely feelings of guilt?

Would really appreciate any advice. Really would, because I'm so stuck.

Thanks for reading.

You shouldn't minimise any feelings you have about the subject.

A fathers role in a child's life is very important. A good father with emotional attachment to their child & involved in their life is every bit important as a good mothers.

However... There are plenty of heterosexual parents both male & female raising children without a male or female parent active in their life and doing a damn good job.

The question you may be asking yourself is- will it be ok to plan for no father going in- where for many of us it may happen and be a shock.
Only you can answer this.
I have several hetrosexual female friends who've went the way of IVF as single parents as they hadn't found mr right and have wonderful happy children.

Do you have brothers, uncles, friends of the male variety? This is very important for modelling behavior and support for you especially if you have a son.

I'm sure you'll be wonderful parents, you're already thinking about your future child's welfare

If the relationship is relatively new are your doubts less about a male role model and more to do with things moving too fast? It seems very rushed that, after just a few months, one person is already talking babies.

You could use a known donor - either from amongst your existing social circle (any gay men who might be interested) or else find one from scratch, though this would be trickier.

Given that you've only been together a few months and are only 29 you have ages to think all of this through.

Thanks for the replies

upthe thank you. I just know it's a huge decision to make and I want to make sure that we're giving our dc the best possible upbringing.

Cogito, we've been living together for a few months, but have been together for a year and a half. You know when you know I guess. I don't think that's very rushed, personally.

Moon I certainly don't have anyone in my existing social circle right now that I would consider as a donor, but who knows for the future

Sorry- I didn't mean IVF- I meant donor.

I think I agree with cog...if you're not totally happy with the idea, you've only been co-habiting (so sharing a domestic life) and you're 29 then you do have time in your side.

• on your side...

Sorry...meant only been cohabiting for a few months...

Well as I said, it can't realistically happen for a couple of years anyway. Ideally, I think we'd like to be married first. Although certain family members seem to have a problem with the idea and I don't want to have to worry about negative reactions on the day, but that's a whole other story.

I'm also worried that because I'm expressing my concerns, she's taking it to mean something else, like I don't eventually actually want to go ahead with it or something.

I think there idea situations for child rearing, and there is reality.

For me, the perfect is a large and strong family, including extended family, with perfect role models of each gender and lots of money to makes things comfortable and provide opportunities.

Reality is, life isn't like that. We do the best we can. I have friends with absent partners (through death and divorce), who also lack close family and are poor as church mice. Tbh, this has formed them as people and they are turning out gorgeous kids I'd be proud of if they were mine.

Many of the most empathic and wonderful people in this world don't come from the idea childhood. To my mind, good parenting is leaving the child in no doubt how loved and cherished they are, providing a strong moral framework and the basic human needs of food and shelter etc.

Whatever you decide to do, you both need to be fully convinced and not doing it just to please the other.

What about male friends, or grandfathers? My DH grew up without a dad, and he didn't feel the lack, mainly because his mother and his grandfather were such strong positive influences on him.

In a healthy long-term relationship it's important to find ways to settle differences of opinion honestly and considerately. Decisions don't come much bigger than having children and everyone has to be 100% happy about it. 'Taking it to mean something else' sounds as though you're being put under some pressure... e.g. if you really loved her you wouldn't be thinking like this?

Myself and my civil partner have a 2 year old. I have found the gingerbeer website helpful, have a look at the rainbow families board to look at other lgbt families and their experiences.

boards.gingerbeer.co.uk/index.php?board=15.0

At work. Will post more later.

My ds's best friend is the son of lesbian parents. His bio father lives abroad and has not been involved in his upbringing. He is a great kid and he has been ds's best friend since nursery school, they are now 11. I can't see anything to suggest that not having a man in the home has made any difference whatsoever.

I also work with a woman who raised her son (now 30) with her lesbian partner. Again, lack of a male at home has not impacted him in any obvious way and he will tell you it hasn't hindered him in his life.

Male role models come in many forms, grandfathers, uncles, friends of the family, school teachers, sports leaders etc etc.

I don't think lack of a male role model is an issue in itself, two loving parents is fab. The thing I would want think about as part if your decision for your family is how you might manage the fact that one child has a dad who she sees and the other might not. People grow up happily in very complicated family set-ups so I shouldn't think it's insurmountable, just needs consideration. Good luck

Exactly what joysmum said. Spot on!

Sorry for the delay...

Irish, do you know if your ds's friend ever got teased or bullied because he had two mums? This is another big concern for me. I already worry for my dd and am just hoping that she won't have to face bigoted, nasty comments.

Thanks for the link Danger