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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cousin threatening to come and stay...forever!

21 replies

ChancetoDance · 06/01/2014 09:28

It's my dad's cousin. She's in her 60s, only child, her father (Dad's uncle) died when she was very young and her mother has been gone for many years. Never had any children or a job or any lasting relationships. She has no-one except some cousins who can't stand her.

Dad's memories of her when they were children are of an unpleasant child who was spiteful and always getting others into trouble but who you had to be kind to because she'd lost her dad. Things never improved as she got older, she's just downright nasty I'm afraid (I imagine there must be some deep seated emotional problems if I'm being charitable)

For years my parents (and the other cousins) have been getting nasty letters about how they're her family and they have a duty to take care of her and support her financially. She phoned me once and was absolutely vile about how selfish I was in my comfy life with DH and DC and no care for her. I explained calmly that it works both ways and if you want people to care for you you have to show some care for them - I haven't heard from her since.

She's living in a hostel about 250 miles away. Parents have had a letter saying she's left the hostel and is coming to live with them. Dad is absolutely terrified. It's one thing to tell her she can't come but quite another to turn her (anyone) out on to the street when they're on your doorstep with nowhere to go. What on earth should we do?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 06/01/2014 09:32

Who sent the letter?

gamerchick · 06/01/2014 09:33

Send a message back and tell her social services will be there waiting to take her back to the hostel and if she doesn't leave you'll be ringing the police.

Get tough from the word go.

BiddyPop · 06/01/2014 09:35

Is she working ordoes she have any means to support herself? Your dad may need to make a booking in a local B and B for a night, so that she has somewhere to stay , but she pays for it, and make it clear that she will not be staying with them.

Likely to be unpleasant, but your parents are not responsible for. Her.

Also. Can you or your parents find out local contact numbers for social services, homeless services etc to refer her on if she has no place to go?

Charlesroi · 06/01/2014 09:35

Put up a fake "For Sale" sign and pretend they're out?

Seriously - they are just going to have to say no. If they let her in she'l lnever leave. She can go back to the hostel.

ChancetoDance · 06/01/2014 09:36

Cousin sent the letter

We can't contact her other than by letter to the hostel where she may or may not still be.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 06/01/2014 09:37

Yes send her towards homeless team at council without letting her over doorstep.
Or MOVE!!!!

lookingfoxy · 06/01/2014 09:37

Could you phone the hostel and tell them she cannot come here.

matildamatilda · 06/01/2014 09:38

I'm sorry you're facing this.

One cynical thought: why are your parents even mentioning this to you? They're not hoping that you'll step in, are they? Or maybe they're just venting. Anyway, that said:

It's far easier to refuse someone entry than to kick them out. So no half-measures! No letting cousin stay "whilst she sorts out something long-term." Not even one night! They know how this will turn out! They can write back saying, "Sorry, no room here. Best of luck." If she turns up on the doorstep they can look confused and send her away with best wishes.

I don't know what the family history is but if your parents let her move in, that's their choice. It might help you to just distance yourself and let it play out.

And isn't it funny how the people who crow the loudest about family loyalty are the ones who want something?

lunar1 · 06/01/2014 09:40

I would contact the hostel to say that she cannot stay . I know this is hard but I wouldn't let her through the door. She will never leave.

ChancetoDance · 06/01/2014 09:41

Really matilda? The most worrying thing that's happened to your parents in years and you wouldn't expect the to mention it to you? Venting and asking for help but definitely not expecting me to have her. Dad would rather she was with them than with me and my DC!

OP posts:
matildamatilda · 06/01/2014 09:46

I said it was a cynical thought! Don't know your family.

If your dad and mom don't want her living there, then the decision's made.

But if they dither it sounds like she'll guilt-trip her way in.

diddl · 06/01/2014 09:52

Why are they so terrified?

Because they can't/won't say no?

Because they think that if she turns up that'll somehow end up with her moving in?

Hissy · 06/01/2014 09:52

I think a return letter has to be sent, signed for, that states under no circumstances is it possible for her to stay with them/you/anyone, and that she'll have to take up the subject of housing with her local authority.

This will be hard for them, but it has to be done.

Sending strength your way!

ChancetoDance · 06/01/2014 10:18

Thanks all. Didl, my parents are decent people so of course turning someone out onto the street would be difficult for them.

It hadn't occurred to me that SS would be interested TBH. Is it SS where she's living in the hostel, or SS here we should contact?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/01/2014 10:23

Ring the hospital and try and get the name of the bod who was helping her. Or ring SS at your end and have them intervene. Don't let them fob you off. If she's left the hostel she's vulnerable.

gamerchick · 06/01/2014 10:23

*hostel

Rowlers · 06/01/2014 10:24

Does she have MH problems? Doesn't sound like the actions of someone on an even keel.
As hard as it is, your parents MUST stay strong.

She is not their responsibility and she can't just dump herself on them.
If she does have MH problems, your parents are not going to be able to help her, are they?

lalalonglegs · 06/01/2014 10:39

Have your parents been in contact with any of the rest of this person's extended family? I wonder if she has threatened to move in with anyone else and what they did if she did turn up?

Loggins · 06/01/2014 10:44

Write 'no longer at this address' and put the letter straight back in the postbox. I wouldn't call the hostel, that makes it looks like you or your parents will help her sort something out

SolidGoldBrass · 06/01/2014 10:54

I wonder if this is actually a matter of 'austerity' ie the council which runs the hostel has adopted a policy of booting out any inhabitants for whom they can trace even the most distant/hostile/unprepared relatives.

This still doesn't mean your parents need to take this woman in, and they cannot be legally compelled to do so. I would actually advice that they ring Shelter or a similar charity and ask for advice 'anonymously.'

diddl · 06/01/2014 11:42

So she has written to say that she has left the hostel?

Where is she living now, then?

They wouldn't be turning her onto the streets.

She has done that herself-if she really has left the hostel.

It is ridiculous og her to give up somewhere to live & demand that others take her in.

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