I'm so insecure and don't know what to do about it?

[Strongmum72]

I am strong and I am I dependant and live on my own with my 2 children, I am in a relationship now and I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I guess the failed, abusive , cheating relationships I've had has left me insecure and not able to trust easily, it's good in a way because your on your guard and don't give your heart away easily, but I'm just worried it will effect my relationship in the long term as you have to trust your partner right? I'm not just talking about trusting them with other women but just in general with everything my children, money my heart! Does it just take time? Or do I need to do something about it but what councilling I just don't know, but I just worry constantly about what could happen even though he has done nothing, it will make me I'll and effect any relationship I think someone help

There was no help with this last night, just wondering if anyone on here today might have any suggestions, there are a few spelling mistakes in my post last night but think it's clear what I'm saying stupid I pad lol

I'm not a very trusting person, but I'm not sure that's the same thing as insecure. Even though I have a nice partner and a good life and am (I think) a strong person, I'm a terrible worrier and deep down, I think if I don't do something myself it won't be done properly and I can't trust anyone.

Like you (for slightly different reasons maybe), I have had to look out for myself when no one else would, and I think after that it's hard to ever let go of needing to be in control. However, I think you can learn to live with yourself being like that, and perhaps to let go gradually, in small ways.

I think counselling would help you, but also accepting yourself and you feelings would help. We're all different and what you are like includes a great many strengths.

I would recommend mindfulness, I was told by doctor to do a mindfulness course to help with my anxiety, and it has really, really helped. It's a kind of non-religious, non-woo, but very calming and relaxing meditation type thing. My course was once a week in the evenings - if you google it you should find a course near you.

Strongmum I think you are very sensible to be cautious, given you have children and also a lovely stable life that you have created. Is your lack of trust evident to your partner? Is it causing issues between you? or is it just something you are concerned about yourself?

I am not quite clear what you are asking- or if you have any current issues in the relationship- which may be why you didn't receive any replies. If you say a bit more, it may help.

I think it takes time. I don't think you are necessarily insecure because you find it difficult to trust others. It is very sensible to cautious. It would be naïve to trust anyone completely just because that's what you think you're meant to do. However, if you find yourself in the mindset that you don't deserve happiness, that a nice, normal guy wouldn't find you attractive or similar, then that's usually a function of low self-confidence. Again, something that can be boosted over time.

How long has it been since your last long-term relationship?

Thank you.... I am a worrier and it runs in the family, however I have had some tough relationships, the last one at the beginning said ' let's treat you how should be treated ' after telling him about the relationship before, he then slowly became abusive till in the end he threatened me with my life and said he would never leave me alone and would make my life hell. I managed with polices help to get rid of this man. The one before that basically wanted me but not my children which obviously I can't have and he didn't pay his way I paid for everything and extremely moody. My ex husband before that I relocated to be with him as I met him on holiday I gave up or moved away from my friends and family to be with him had 2 children with him, but he was literally never there, doing his own thing sports, out with boys, going away he even had a friend that was a girl that he socialised with but never me. After 5 or 6 years I had enough and made plans to leave. The only thing he was doing was keeping us financially but I remember thinking I moved here because I wanted your company not your money I wanted companionship and love and I just ended up resenting him so I eventually moved on.

Back to my current partner of a year, he's not abusive, he's not a womaniser, he has kids the same age as mine and is great with them, we get on well but I'm thinking he's showing some signs of my ex husband he's told me about the problems with his ex wife and it seems she got fed up of him going out, going away, playing golf every Saturday, she seemed lonely and depressed stuck with the kids she eventually ran off and left the kids with him including a daughter from a previous relationship. So she didn't deal with it very well but it's kind of how I felt too. So it's worrying me I've done full circle. He has a large group of friends so is invited to lots of things last year the first year I've known him he only really went out with his friends at a weekend maybe 4 or 5 times and one night away with the lads, he played golf sometimes and football but that didn't really bother me. He spent plenty of time with me and all our kids, we went away for weekends, holiday abroad all laughter and fun but miss worrier here is wondering if this will change as I don't want to be in the position again And feel lonely and bottom of the list. I'm not really sure what other men do as far as hobbies, going out, weekends away with the lads all I remember is how I felt 5 years ago

If you're not comfortable in a relationship, even if you can't quite put your finger on why, then don't feel obliged to keep it going. If you feel lonely and low down on his priorities give him the boot rather than looking inwards and thinking you're insecure or a worrier. That's the dating game... it's not a courtroom where you have to present evidence of something dreadful, it's entirely down to 'does it feel right?'

That's why I'm worrying I guess is it me being over cautious and wanting to throw a perfectly good relationship away because of what might be or am I right to think no it's not perfect I should move on . I love him you see and other that that it's the best relationship I've had in a long time and relationships always have something wrong right? But I've spent the year very happy I've just started to worry about this issue, maybe I should just see how the second year goes and if these nights out weekends away increase. See the other day he was saying there was a weekend away in Leeds in January watching football then going out on the beer and staying over but he can't go cos he having an op on his ankle but he said it's ok there's another one in March. Then they're talking about going abroad somewhere with the lads while the World Cup is on so that's 3 but will prob only go to 2 just when I hear this I think eh oh.

I think you should remain cautious. It is possible to fall in love very quickly, but still remain open to finding out what the person is really like in lots of different situations, for example, if one of you was really ill, at times of stress, after he's been away for a weekend.

Do you need to make any decisions right now? Why not just keep seeing him, practically it would be a nightmare getting all the children in together in one house (or have you already moved in?)- so I would carry on dating and having fun and holidays and don't throw your lot in with him for a good while yet.

So who has kids when he's off doing things - you? Or his ex or family?

If it's you and you think he's using you as childcare just so he can bugger off, I'd share your worries. What you need to do then is simply ask for equal treatment - for every hour he gets to go off on his own, you get the same in return. If he doesn't like that then you know you have a problem.

If he's not expecting you to look after his kids, but just wants to do his own thing sometimes, I think that's fine (in itself - obviously as others have said if you don't feel the relationship is right, listen to your instincts).

You can have a relationship where you do things with other people/groups and have your own time. You could develop your own side interests so you don't feel so left alone by it.

However, you can also insist on reasonable treatment. If your partner isn't spending as much time with you as you would like, talk to him, explain and ask for things to change. You don't have to just put up with however a man decides to behave until you can't stand it any more, if you see what I mean.

Ohh no I haven't moved in with him and won't be for the foreseeable future, I have just moved into my own house which is all mine and I'm happy here, it's just worrying me. Do other people put up with them going away, out lots what is acceptable ?

It's irrelevant what's acceptable to others. It's what's acceptable to you that matters. I'm sure he is a perfectly nice person but if his lifestyle makes you feel uncomfortable, it just means you are incompatible.

Thanks madam no I have never had his kids while he away, he tends to it when his kids are with his ex or his mum will help. Again would that change if I ever lived with him. I haven't got a problem with him having a night out with the lads I get we all need that, the odd weekend away is fine too but for me 5 or 6 weekends away a year is a bit too much especially with nights out too and hobbies and work commitments. I don't want all that I know it wouldn't suit me rightly or wrongly. I guess I have to voice it

I completely get what your saying cogito and thank you I think your right x

no relationship is perfect - its really down to what you think is acceptable. I think its healthy people have their own hobbies and go and do things by themselves, i spend 1 night a week at my hobby and 1 half day every weekend be it saturday or sunday - i dont think living in each others pockets is a healthy thing to do but understand other people see things differently. ive also spent weekends away from the house, maybe 5 or 6 in a yr, on my hobby but it wasnt an issue as we were both happy with that.

Oh gosh yeh I'm all for hobbies and meeting up with friends and having your own life a bit, I'm just worried it will increase more and more and going away getting pissed a lot would annoy me and it would obviously make a difference if I was left with the kids at these times also. I feel really sad at the moment with all this

It is sad. I've certainly been involved with men in the past who are really lovely and we get on like a house on fire but there's been 'something' that's not quite right and I realise - sadly - that it's the end of the road.

You are trying to predict the future.

You can't.

He 'lost' his wife and family due to going out etc etc etc. Perhaps he'll learn to balance himself more. Perhaps not.

Nothing you can do about that, only he can regulate himself.

I'm thinking that you haven't done any work on repairing the harm caused by the abuse you suffered? I think you need to do this as a matter of urgency.

It will allow you the space to see that you can't control the actions of others, only your reaction to them. It will break you of this ridiculous notion that if the relationship fails it'd be a disaster (it won't).

This man has taught you that not all men are abusers. Perhaps that's all he's supposed to teach you. Perhaps now it's time for you to move on and get the next lesson in life.

Trust your instincts, and know that whatever comes your way, you can handle.

For everything else, there's mumsnet :)

Get yourself onto The Freedom Programme, and look at some books, they will show you that you weren't to blame in any of this.

Thanks so much hissy you do speak a lot of sense, can you recommend any books? I did actually go on the freedom programme that was what helped me get rid of the pyscho in the end, that the police, domestic violence team and friends. He did make me feel everything including my marriage was my fault that I was a bad cook, bad dresser, fat (size 10) useless at most things and he made other people think the same, and did god knows what with other women I saw the messages on Facebook . This new guy has basically been building my confidence back up since and actually made me feel good about myself, made me realise I can and could cook and I do dress nicely etc etc. but i guess I just expect this relationship to go wrong and even look for things. I know this guy has actually turned down a lot of nights out for me of his own accord, but still in my mind that's not good enough cos I start thinking but what if he decides to go back to that way again. I'm a nightmare basically lol

YOU are not a nightmare, you are sensitive in some areas.

You know you can do the FP more than once, don't you? Perhaps it's time for a refresh?

Why Does He Do That - Lundy Bancroft
Power & Control - Why Charming Men make dangerous lovers by Sandra Horley

These ones are good, but there are many titles, have a look and see if you can find one that means something to you.