Hes gone

[oskie84uk]

So today, my partner of 4 years left. I am 30, he is 50 and we lived together for 2 years.

Over new year, he suddenly had a problem with his car (which he uses for his work, hes self-employed). Because of this, he said he had to stay at his mums (7 miles away) because that is where the car is. So I spent NYE alone, NYDay alone, and the 2nd and 3rd Jan alone. Why he couldnt have made the effort to meet up with me during those days or even sleep at fucking home, i will never know. On the 2nd we were supposed to be meeting for a meal, but because his mother (who is usually lovely) was giving him a hard time of whether he was having tea with her and fil or going out with me, he ended up cancelling on me just to shut her up.

So yesterday he rolls home and we had a nice chilled night but he ended up going out to pub at 10pm. I was invited along but I was working all day and find pub boring, so declined.

Now this afternoon, DP announces its his friends birthday and may be going out for a drink with him tonight and will be staying over.

I know he wouldn't be cheating on me as he really was at his mums and it is his friends birthday tonight so he will be there, but I got so pissed that he seems to be living "the single life" since he cant work anymore due to his car being out of order, and I was rather pissed off because recently affection on his part seems to have slipped and im tired of sitting at home alone when we are supposed to be a partnership.

I told him that since he is living the single life, he can pack up his stuff and go and be a single boy at his mothers house. I turned the programme he was watching off and told him to pack a bag. He did, and he went.

I am in absolute bits. I know I shouldn't have but I text him earlier to see where he was and if he was alright, and he text back to phone the landlords in the morning and tell them we are leaving and that he will send a van later in the week to collect his stuff. He has not text me back. Im devastated. I love him so much, but everything came to a head. He does no housework at all, sex is once every few weeks (used to be every two days not so long ago).

Also, the flat is in both our names. If he does leave I cant afford to keep it on but its on contract for another 6 months but I cant afford to move out neither. Ive so fucked up haven't I?

Oh and in my desperation to get hold of him tonight I rang his mum to see if he was there as he wasn't answering my calls or texts, his mum said he wasn't. I know she was lying to me though. I just want to see him :(

No you haven't fucked up at all, you've done exactly the right thing. He couldn't even travel SEVEN MILES to see you? Hasn't he heard of a bus, train, taxi? Then he doesn't even bother spending the night with you?

You deserve much much better than this and you've been strong enough to make the first steps towards getting it. Stay strong, don't bloody phone him.

From the sounds of it he doesn't bring anything to the relationship. I know it's sometimes so much easier to just stick it out, you don't have to be upset, you don't have to worry financially... but that is so so so much worse in the long run - take it from me please.

What you're doing, ringing etc is perfectly natural but you need to get angry at him, not upset. He's the one who didn't even think about you, your feelings. He's the lazy one who can't be arsed to help you around the house. He's the one who put other people before you, and believe me it increases and gets much worse.

If you do want to take him back, which I wouldn;t but you're not me, you'd need to make sure he was really in this for the long haul and willing to change his selfish ways.

hugs

Thanks Doyoulikemybaubles for your reply.

Do you think he will realise how much he loves me and come back?

Im so upset.

Think about why you want him to come back oskie, is it because it's easier for you not to have to deal with the pain?

What will he bring into your life once he's back? Do you want to play second fiddle to his wants of having a single life?

I know it's hard lovely, and I know how upset you must be feeling. It's a horrible wrenching feeling and like nothing will ever be right. But it will go. I know it's cliche, but time is a healer. You'll realise one day that you don't need him.

If you want him back, then that's completely up to you, but please just think with your head not your heart, and try to work out what is best for you in the long run.

I did this with my ex. I was with him for 4 years in total. He was a twat. I'd get him to move out, then I'd cry for him to come back. It would happen again and again because I couldn't cope with the pain of not having him. I wasted 4 years, 4 years of my youth that I can't get back. One day I realised, fuck this, and left him.

Whatever you decide, here for you x

It does sound as if he wants to leave...he didn't put up any resistance at all. It is a horrible situation but you WILL get through it. Will you have to pay for the remaining contract? If so, he should pay for it too even ifhe isn't living there.

If he is on the tenancy agreement then you are both liable to cover the rent so if the rent us defaulted on then the LL can chase you both.

If your relationship has ended, it may well be worth contacting the LL to see if they could look for new tenants now and allow you to end the tenancy early. If so, you might have costs to meet from that but it may be worth to get out of the tenancy sooner.

Ive messed things up so much. Why did I tell him to get out ? Im such a control freak throwing a strop when he just wants to go out with his friends. Ive messed my whole relationship up :o( So sad.

You have not messed up this relationship -he has.

I think this was a deliberate ploy and although he wanted to leave he wanted it to be you that asked him to leave. he was not man enough to do it himself.

Stop that sort of thinking at once. Stop trying to turn it round on yourself. HE was in the wrong. HE was the one who couldn't be bothered to see you at the new year, HE was the one who came back and decided yet again to leave you alone. He didn't consider you're feelings AT ALL.

I just don't know how im going to get through this. Its so expensive moving out and all too. I just feel if I wouldn't have said anything I wouldn't have this terrible feeling of dread and worry and sadness.

There will be an OW. Sorry.

But that proves that there is nothing you can do about this other than be grateful that you have dodged a bullet.

Has he ever been married?

bogey you don't know that, I don't see anything to suggest that. I just see a man who wants out of a relationship.

No you're right I dont know that. But I have seen this scenario often enough to know that there is a better than 50% chance. I'm sorry but there it is. Ask any woman who posted on here saying "I dont know why he has changed/left/got angry/stayed out, but I know he isnt having an affair" only to find out that yes, he was.

Bogey face is right, I'm afraid. All the OP's comments suggest there's an OW waiting in the wings. Please don't be nice to him any more; he doesn't deserve you.

Hello Bogeyface, I don't think there is another woman, but I just cant figure why in the last 2 months or so that hes started being so unaffectionate.

So......

You used to have sex every couple of days, then recently it's suddenly died down to once every few weeks.
He's very recently started spending every night he can out & about without you.
His mother suddenly starts acting out of character & is giving him a hard time about something that means he can't go out with you. instead he's at his mothers, but you don't seem to be invited.
It's his friend's birthday celebration, and as his partner you aren't invited.
He's staying at his mothers house - a person whose loyalty will be to him first and foremost especially as there's no grandchildren.
The moment you ask him to leave, he's off so fast you can't see for dust, and his only thought is to get out of the lease on your shared property as quickly as possible.

I'm afraid the first thing I thought of as I started to read your post was "OW", and everything I read later reinforced that view. Yes he will be at his mate's celebration tonight, and as it's HIS mate no-one will tell you if he's there with anyone. His own mother won't tell you anything without his permission, let alone if he has an OW.

Do you think he will realise how much he loves me and come back?

If he loved you, I doubt very much he would have leapt at the chance to be away from you every moment he can, & get out of the relationship in such a final way as to give up the lease on the flat. Sorry to be so blunt, but if it makes you angry then turn the anger towards this man who has shown you not the slightest bit of consideration.

Im such a control freak throwing a strop when he just wants to go out with his friends.

Did you really think that on your own, or was the thought prompted by something he has said - sounds very much like the kind of thing certain types of men say when they want to justify their bad behaviour by blaming their partner?

Is this the man who kept stringing you along by telling you he wasn't ready to TTC yet?
If I have got the right poster, think of this as your chance to walk away and start afresh.
You can meet someone new and have a chance of starting a family.

He's checked out and managed to engineer / manipulate you into being so pissed off with him you tell him to get lost and it saves him the effort.
He can make out you're the bad one, when he's a coward.
He's either gone, or trying to teach you a lesson, so you beg him to come back then he can act all 'you were the one who told me to leave'
Go completely no contact for the next week or so. Get angry. Get a new haircut and nails done or something that makes you feel better as well as saying a huge fuck you to him if he sees you when 'coming to collect his stuff' you're so much better than this, sod him.
He had somewhere to go and a bit of freedom and chose to put himself first. What a nob.
As for another woman, who knows? Repeat to yourself 'who cares' as you remind yourself he's twice your age an just let go of the best thing in his life. Remind yourself that now you can have fun without an old duffer holding you back
Big hugs sod whether its mumsnetty or not x

Oskie sweetie I am afraid that I and many others also thought that there wasnt an OW. In my case, they never actually met, he was having grotty phone/text/cyber sex with her at the expense of our relationship. Our sex life went down hill because he was getting his rocks off with her at every opportunity. I thought that because he was either at work (which I visited at random and unannounced times due to the nature of it) or at home, then he couldnt have been having an affair. Turns out he was exchanging explicit texts with her while he was sat next to me! And he had a secret phone he hid at work (but mistakenly brought home one day which is how I found it as I knew something was up so routinely checked his pockets).

I really hope I am wrong. But the fact is that as Allergic said, when you asked him to leave he was out of there like a whippet with a bum full of dynamite. He wanted to go and that means that there is very little chance that he will come back.

You are 30, the perfect age! Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway! There are lots of lovely men out there who want what you want, marriage, a family, a nice life together. Give yourself some grieving time and then get out there and find one :)

He wont text me back. is there really no way hes coming back? I love him so much.

I wish I could say yes, but tbh it is very unlikely.

What is his relationship history? That could shed some light.

OP it's time to get hard now. You need to stop this 'is there no way he is coming back' and start thinking strong and about yourself rather than some twit who evidently doesn't care about you. Why are you wasting your time? Don't you think you deserve better than this?!