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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP is so selfish

50 replies

sandgrown · 05/01/2014 20:03

I have two friends I have known for years who I introduced to DP when we got together. They are DS' godparents and we go on hols,nights out etc. When DP was unemployed last year they came to ours to help him decorate (without their encouragement it would not have been done!). They have just bought a house that needs lots of work which they are on a tight timescale to finish and they are trying to do lots themselves to save money. I went to help yesterday while DP at work and arranged to go back today but when I asked DP if he was coming to help today he refused as I had not told him?? Surely he should think to offer? I did think he would turn up later and was very embarrassed that he did not offer some help though nothing was said. I did ring and ask him to prepare dinner and it was ready when I got home and he had put the Xmas decorations away.I made a small comment about dinner and remarked that I like to put the decorations away because I am quite prissy about them going in correct boxes etc and I was met with a torrent of abuse about how he can never do anything right and how I did not greet him when I came home (hands full of shopping)! I suspect his beloved football team were on television this afternoon and he only put the decorations away so he could pretend he had been busy! Sorry for long post but cannot understand why he is so selfish.

OP posts:

Lolalocket · 06/01/2014 22:35

You obviously don't like this man. Why are you with him?

I don't see much wrong with what he did tbh. You assumed he would want to go with you without checking with him and he didn't. He's a grown up he's allowed decide how he spends his time (as long as he contributes equally to family life). Everyone is entitled to a lazy Sunday now and again. If I had one planned and DH got a cob on because I didn't drop it to do something he considered important , I would be pretty pissed off.
I am sure he is grateful to your mates but he can express that gratitude any way he pleases and not in the manner dictated by you.

Original poster

sandgrown · 07/01/2014 00:38

Lola.actually I do like him which is why I have stuck with him through very difficult times (too long a story) BUT for the last 6 months he has only been working part time . He gets up 15 mins before work so no help with getting DS to school.when he returns from work he has a sleep every afternoon only surfacing when DS returns from school. House is a work in progress but no jobs get done. It might sound harsh but he is hardly short of me time.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 07/01/2014 06:47

So in fact the real issue has nothing to do with the original post.

Lweji · 07/01/2014 07:07

It does. Last straw...

He reminds me of exH.

paxtecum · 07/01/2014 07:20

Sand: YANBU.
He is lazy and selfish.

I think your opinion of him may detriorate as he isn't helping the frinds out.

You have put up with his idleness when it affects you, but the refusal to help friends is making you realise he is a knob.

Best wishes to you.

maparole · 07/01/2014 07:29

The picture is getting clearer with each post. He is not a bit of a lazy arse; he is a complete piss-taker.

You were more ready to be offended on your friends' behalf than on your own behalf; I think you need to value yourself more highly.

livingzuid · 07/01/2014 09:34

Sand do you think he may have some forms of depression? Perhaps because of losing jobs etc which can make some men feel like less of a man etc. At the risk of sounding dramatic, a bit emasculated.

Sleeping the amount he does and the lack of willingness to engage just makes me wonder if there could be something else going on. Or he could just be lazy!

Offred · 07/01/2014 09:55

In this particular instance I don't see he has done anything wrong. As others said you're expecting him to guess what you have planned for him and then being cross when he doesn't do it.

However, it is clear you have had some real problems with him in the past. I would guess you're harbouring resentment for that which is festering and not being dealt with and so you have become hyper vigilant and unreasonable.

You need to decide if you want to save the relationship. It you can get over the past and if you want to. If you do and think you can then you need to deal with the residual feelings and stop having such high expectations.

Offred · 07/01/2014 09:56

And he needs to contribute more to the household in return.

springysofa · 07/01/2014 19:38

Dear me, you've had a rough time on this thread!

I'm completely with you that if friends went out of their way to help you both that you shouldn't have to ask for him to return the favour.

You also shouldn't have to cook, or what to cook (providing the ingredients) otherwise he won't.

He's a lazy arse who has had everything done for him. Including you, you're doing everything for him, busting a gut. OP what do you get out of this relationship. This last incident will be the least of it - look ahead a few years and he'll still be doing the same (that is, NOTHING) and you'll still be having the wind him up like a clock, and he'll still be shirking this and that, and he'll still not step up to the plate when it's called for.

I wonder that you have the energy for such a person. he sounds like a kid.

springysofa · 07/01/2014 19:39

*shouldn't have to tell him to cook

paxtecum · 07/01/2014 19:42

OP: Has he ever had any 'get up and go' or has he always been idle?

Original poster

sandgrown · 07/01/2014 23:24

Thanks ladies you have certainly given me something to think about! Before we met I have been told he ran two successful businesses but after his wife left he went on anti-depressants and I am sure they contribute to the lethargy. He is basically a cup half empty person and I am generally the opposite. I get on well with his family and they think I am so good for him but as anyone in this position will know it gets very wearing after a while. In his defence when he is feeling positive he can be great fun and good company.

OP posts:

Lweji · 07/01/2014 23:27

Isn't it a red flag when the family think we are so good for their son/daughter and they are relieved we are with them?

springysofa · 08/01/2014 09:25

What's the deal that you thought he was good relationship material mid-'breakdown'? He may be 'good fun' but he's a pita.

livingzuid · 08/01/2014 19:55

There's something bit more complex going on then laziness possibly. It's tough if you are the main carer though. He needs to get some help and can't be relying on you to pull him up all the time, that's not possible. But men in particular are so bad at seeking help for this. Some CBT could work wonders. Will he go and talk to someone do you think?

Pilgit · 08/01/2014 20:23

It's about respect really. His lack of gratitude for what people have done for him leads to a poor opinion of him. When you are taking all the weight of money, home, child care etc and he can't do the basics that grinds you down over time. Maybe he doesn't see what they have done or maybe he has got so used to everything people have done for him that he now feels entitled to it. He may have depression but that isn't an excuse for being a shit. I think you need to have a serious non judgemental conversation about it as you cannot go on as you are.

Original poster

sandgrown · 09/01/2014 19:51

Hi Springy when we first met the tablets must have been working well and it was quite a while before he told me about his depression. It became worse when he was made redundant. I doubt he would talk to someone Living. I have considered contacting our GP and asking if he would get DP in on the pretext of reviewing his medication and maybe he would talk to him? I am hoping the improvement in his job situation will make him feel more positive generally. Thanks Pilgit a good analysis

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 09/01/2014 20:25

Well, he does sound a bit of a loser, but you sound like someone who has chosen a partner you can feel superior to and complain about but won't actually bin, because you are getting something out of your role as She's-So-Good-for-Him.

IHateWinter · 09/01/2014 21:02

From the tome of your posts I would say you and DP are fast heading for a split. You really don't appear to truly respect your DP at all. And if you can't respect him you might as well end it. Respect is as important to men as love is to a woman.

BillyBanter · 09/01/2014 21:20

I think you need to stop assuming things and expecting him to be psychic then getting in a strop when it turns out your assumptions are wrong and he's not psychic, or because he did the wrong household chore.

Original poster

sandgrown · 09/01/2014 23:16

I came on
here when I was feeling angry with DP and I suppose I expected some support and constructive suggestions (there were some) not a character assassination. I am not perfect and can be a pain in the a** but I am kind,hard working and not a quitter. I do love DP and we have a son we both adore. I am not in this for praise but I have,worked very hard to help and support. Last year DP son got married and DP was disappointed he could not help much with costs particularly as his ex is married to a wealthy man and could make flash gestures. I worked all the extra hours I could get so we could contribute and travel to the wedding. I did it because I wanted to and because I have a good relationship with my stepchildren.

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 10/01/2014 00:10

OP, I think you've had some very harsh replies on here with people desperate to see your other half in the best possible light - not sure why because I have seen the same posters being very critical of similar behaviour on other threads. But hey. I think you have responded reasonably and I think you now need to talk this through with your DP and suggest he gets some support for his depression. You can't carry the family load to the extent that I can see you have been doing.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 10/01/2014 00:21

I think you have had some harsh replies because your OP didn't fully explain the situation. Your subsequent posts have shed more light on your relationship and now we can see that your DP is not as helpful and selfless as the dinner-cooking and decoration-tidying made him seem.

I don think you can necessarily blame him for not volunteering to help your friends, but you do need to have a talk about his general attitude and suggest that he sorts himself out if he values your relationship because it won't survive unless he makes some changes. Good luck. X

livingzuid · 10/01/2014 06:59

The depression can wreck relationships but men a can be utterly hopeless at getting support. You need to talk to him about it - a job won't necessarily make it go away. There are many therapies available that will also help him come off medication (unless he has a condition which normally needs permanent medication?).

He needs to make the effort at least but I think you've got to have a frank and open discussion with each other. Keeping how you feel bottled up makes it worse. Perhaps talk in a neutral venue over dinner or whilst out for a walk. If DH and I try to talk at home it turns into a row for some reason but when we go somewhere we can talk things through.

You don't deserve a rough ride on this thread as it sounds as if you are coping with a lot. Good luck :)

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