how to remove rose-tinted glasses and deal with today

[mydoorisalwaysopen]

whenever I'm feeling down about things, especially my DH, I retreat into dreaming about a past relationship. this relationship is a long way in the past - I have been with DH 17 years - but I can't seem to stop this negative thought pattern. I think it's avoidance but just want to stop it as it really doesn't help and makes me feel a bit stuck in regret about the past. it also makes me question whether I can really love DH. obviously after 17 years and two kids there are no rose tinted specs about this relationship! How do I stop this and focus on now!

Hmm I do this too I must admit door. You're right; it's avoidant behaviour and it's incredibly easy to retrospectively focus on the positive aspects of previous relationships. At those times, I conveniently forget that my ex (a smoker) used to come to bed at night without brushing his teeth and use to take three times as long as me getting ready to go out. Seriously.
Can you do that? Focus on the negatives to get your head back to a new realistic less dreamy place?
I don't think that your daydreaming alone necessarily means you don't love your DH btw. What's your relationship like in general?

we are a good team I'd say but not much excitement and , yes, I do let petty irritations annoy me. I do remember the reasons I left ex but also remember that feeling of being intensely in love. I try to do the same and reminisce about the early years of being with DH but it doesn't work.

In my experience and in most cases (though there some exceptions I'm sure), the excitement does dwindle considerably as the years go by and you're left with a more comfortable, familiar love. I'm not surprised that you find it difficult to reminisce about the early days with your DH as he's there with you now, doing all the things that annoy you! Your ex isn't there and that's the escapism part of it.

You do sound quite confused about your feelings so maybe have time to yourself to think and also talk to DH, find out how happy he is and if there's something you could do together to 'reconnect'. I know that laughing together is what instantly makes me feel close to someone, but everyone's different. If you are a good team then that is a significant thing. A good bit of introspection might help you drill down and work out what you want out of life and importantly what's real. There is no way I can advise if you should stay in your relationship or move on.

But I do know dealing with reality can be so incredible mundane in comparison to escaping to a fantasy world (speaking as a complete daydreamer!), but real life can be exciting, good luck

thank you for your reply. you are right. part of me wondered if this is a common problem and it appears not. as usual, though, it had been helpful just to write down and share the problem.

Maybe you could imagine what a drudge life would be with the ex?

I'm sure it would after 17 years.

However, are you escaping that much? And what are the little things?
Is it only the length of the relationship?