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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Creating connections with DPs family

7 replies

fifi669 · 05/01/2014 12:47

It's not really a problem, more advice I'm looking for...

DP and I are great, expecting a child in July. He has a DD previously, I have a DS the same age he raises as his own. Due to money issues we aren't living together yet, but will be come April and the new tax year.

The thing is, I hardly know his family. Neither of us are the type of people that need to see or call family all the time. My family will meet up periodically and all 5 of us with partners, children etc will pile around to DM or DF house. Any occasion will do, even pancake day :)

His family situation is more complicated. His parents have been separated for years but still live in the same house. They don't speak to each other, eat together, nothing. DP hates the atmosphere there and has said he wouldn't want me or the DC there. His DB and DS both live away. Because of this I've met his dad twice at family occasions, his sister the same, brother and mum probably 4 times? That's in the 2 1/2 years we've been together.

He doesn't get on with his dad and after some DV on his mum recently wants him cut off completely so he's out of the equation. His mum and sister will be moving in together in a month close by. His brother is also expecting a child around the same time as us.

His mum has recently asked if she can call herself grandma to DS, we agreed as DP has been called daddy now for 6 months. As nice and cosy. Except we never see them so DS doesn't have a clue who she is!

I assume things will have to wait until she's out and safe in her own home. How would you go about establishing a relationship with DPs family after? And with DS(3) and them? It's strange because we're a solid family unit ourselves and this sort of thing would normally have progressed alongside.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 13:56

I wouldn't rush to make a relationship. It all sounds very dysfunctional and you're probably better off keeping things at arms length. If they want to visit you etc fine, but don't go out of your way.

fifi669 · 05/01/2014 14:56

The parents thing is pretty dysfunctional I agree! They all seemed nice when I have met them, it'd just be nice for the DC to have some of what they have with my family with his too.

DP is so laid back he'd prob never get around to doing anything unless pushed. His family have said things to him about seeing me and DS in the past but nothing really came of it.

I obviously don't want to force a relationship on them, but I do wonder if there's more I should be doing to encourage one. Esp as their house is a no go at the moment.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 15:04

Be careful what you wish for. Your DC have one nice set of grandparents, a loving mum and dad, friends, neighbours and what they don't have from DP's family, they really won't miss. If DP's people are the 'we must meet up' but never do anything about it types and if DP isn't in a rush to invite the over then they're unlikely to replicate the cosy dynamic of your parents.

Logg1e · 05/01/2014 15:30

I wouldn't force any relationship. You may feel your husband lacks motivation, but it sounds as though he has very good reason to, and this could be a coping mechanism for him.

Why do you want to encourage a relationship with them? I don't mean to be flippant, I just think there could be a whole range of motivations and it'd be wise to be clear.

fifi669 · 05/01/2014 18:48

I don't know if DP doesn't invite them over because he's not living here yet and I can't go over there at the mo for reasons explained. Apart from things relating to his dad he doesn't have any issues with anyone else in his family.

Maybe when he's here permanently they'll feel more confident to ask to pop on or him to ask them? I think it's over politeness that's stopping things at the mo.

Could also be a factor that DPs ex, mother of his DD allows minimal contact at the mo (2 hours pw) with the condition she isn't allowed to see anyone else, me, DS, all his friends/family. I know this has upset her greatly. She told DP when he said we were TTC that she didn't want him to as she couldn't handle not seeing another grandchild. Maybe she's scared of getting too close?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2014 18:58

Not all families are as nice as your birth family is however. Be careful what you wish for.

His family sound completely dysfunctional; if anyone needs your support here it is your man.

lookingfoxy · 05/01/2014 19:03

Once his mum moves things may improve, but you need to just let things happen, it may take years to establish a really good or at least reasonable relationship but don't try to push it unnaturally.

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