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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can i leave him? How can i stay?

9 replies

WithRedWine · 05/01/2014 12:22

I'm an idiot to have stayed as long as i have. All his endless promises to change have come to bugger all. He's a compulsive liar & I'm the fool who's had three children with him.

He'll lie about anything - big or small. He'll invent imaginary conversations he's had with mutual aqcuaintances in the full knowledge i'm only ever a hairs breadth away from finding out. Maybe that"s part of the thrill in deceiving me. He's taught our seven year old to lie to me almost flawlessly. He's a pillar of tthe community with a highly regarded job. My fucking toxic parents think the sun.shines out of his arse & i pretty much gave up trying to split up with him years ago when i realised they'd never support my decision. I have literally no one to unburden myself to - he saw off my friends years ago - he picked apart the male ones & made them seem 'unworthy' of me - of us. The female ones he did the same with or flirted outrageously with until they'd had enough. I don't honestly know what a healthy relarionship looks like.

Over the years i've also endured physical violence & sexual abuse from.him, althoigh not recntly. Basically i could have left, i should have, but i didnt. Our youngest is only weeks old so way i can leave right now. Wtf is wrong with me?

I've told hin to go countles times in the past. Hr says we can"t surcive financially apart. I'm always afraid of him breaking back in& hurting me or the kids. Seems easier & safer just to play along & keep him happy.

OP posts:
TheCrumpetQueen · 05/01/2014 12:34

It's never too late to leave. You poor thing :(

joblot · 05/01/2014 12:44

Start planning. Talk to people. Post on here. All will help move you towards a better happier life. Oh and don't give yourself a hard time, we all fuck up

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 12:44

There's nothing wrong with you but you're going to need help to leave because you are understandably frightened having endured so long in an abusive relationship. That your youngest is only a few weeks old is immaterial really. Your 7yo is already being damaged by him.... children learn quickly to stay on the good side of abusive people and often copy their behaviour in attempt to curry favour. Financially of course you would survive. As for safety, the police are very good at keeping violent exes away with exclusion orders and similar

But the first step is to ask for the help and get yourself safe. Assuming you're in the UK please pick your moment and call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and tell them what you've said above. If they're busy please keep trying. You could also talk in confidence to your GP and they can point you in the direction of assistance. It'll take courage but, from the sound of your post, I think you're ready to take that step

Good luck and stay safe.

WithRedWine · 05/01/2014 12:57

Thanks all.

Cogito - i did calk them earlier today when he was out & yes they were engaged. I will try to find another moment today. Carrying my phone around as he lijes to nose through sometimes. Off to take dd on an errand now but back later.

OP posts:
wherethewildthingis · 05/01/2014 13:11

Make sure you delete the women's aid number from your call history just in case he does get hold of your phone. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 13:13

Do try again and, as the PP says, be very vigilant about covering your tracks. Violent men are at their most dangerous when they think they are about to lose.

WithRedWine · 05/01/2014 15:31

Haven't had another chance to try wa yet.

Feel like i've been colluding in my own opression all these years.

We've been together over a decade. When we first got together i thoiught he was perfect. After we slept together the first time he left for work before i was due to leave for uni. He locked me in & i missed my lecture. Said it was force of habit. I believed him. The next time i happened i shouldve run a mile. I was deluded by ideas of 'the one'. Such an evil idea, really, but i was young & stupid, & my parents had brought me up on that sort of crap.

After a few months together we went to stay in his mother's house whilst she was away. He couldn't get the oven to work & tried to kick the shit out of it instead. He was like a deranged Basil Fawlty. It was realky scary to be in the middle of nowhere with him watching him explode at an appliance. Back then i'd never heard the phrase 'red flag'.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 15:44

If men like this walked around with 'I am an abusive shit' t-shirt on, it would save a lot of people a lot of time. But they don't, of course, and are more likely to look perfectly normal, charming and like everyone else. Once you work out what's going on (and that can take a long time) they can make it extremely difficult for you to reject them. Threats, mind-games, isolation, insults, violence these people are cruel and they don't care who gets hurt.

So don't blame yourself, please. With help you don't have to live like this any more.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 05/01/2014 16:33

I think you have an opportunity to leave with what you have been through
he has been abusive to wards you in many ways
don't let him use finance as a reason to stay you need to be safe and happy
go and get some legal advice because I think you will get lots of support

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