Splitting Up, 2 small children, how to manage the split?

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Hi I have split from my husband but currently we are still sharing the home until our housing situation is sorted.

Our 2 dc are 2.5 and nearly 4. The older one seems to have sensed something but He and I haven't been having any huge rows or even much in the way of arguments.

There will be a point though where we need to separate our homes. I don't know how to handle the Conversation and inevitable fall out.
I think that the eldest will be particularly affected and the thought of that is really upsetting. I also have real guilt as it's my decision to split and shake up their little world.
I have chosen to separate for my own sanity, the H is a good father and they are very close

I have read online 'guidance' but was hoping for some real life examples of how to and not to do it!

Also if there are any books for younger children you could recommend which tackle the subject ..

Thanks

Hi there I am just feeling my way through a similar situation. I have read "two homes"by Claire Mewsurel, Kady Macdonald Denton, to my 3. 8 year old. I would recommend that. If you go on amazon it also recommends other books such as "it's not your fault Koko bear" I also bought that one but I haven't read that to my daughter yet it is too wordy. Maybe she will be ready for it in due course.

I am not sure I have great "advice" as I am in a similar situation myself but I have taken a lot of support from MN message boards as while I have a fantastic support network, I don't have anyone in RL who is or has gone through anything similar. It's been helpful to me to read the many threads and helpful replies.

We separated in August, and since then it's been a roller coaster of emotions. My ex and I sometimes get on, but mostly I now think very badly of him as I've realised that he was just very EA.

Re. The kids, I found my 3 year old was affected in that she wet the bed a few times and her behaviour changed such that she became a bit more withdrawn and also very naughty. However she moved house, suddenly had two houses, changed nurseries, as well as having a newish baby sibling in the mix so she had a lot going on! I think essentially she is just looking for attention and love which I try to give her. I spent some time with the health visitor to remind me of good tips and techniques for. Rewarding good behaviour etc. I also told her nursery about the split as I figure the more support the better.

Good luck OP.

finallygotaniphone thanks for taking the time and trouble to reply. Sorry for your difficult situation too.
Thanks for the book tips, I have some Amazon credit on my account.

My dd (the eldest) has been having more 'accidents' at nursery, it seems as though it's since we split, she was present when he was trying to plead with me but I nipped the conversation in the bud because she was there but I think it's had an impact.

Maybe it's time to tell the nursery, I haven't yet because I don't want to cry in front of everyone, maybe I'll phone them to let them know

She is also more clingy than usual although a very clingy child anyway.
It could also be attributed to the fact that younger dc is potty training and getting lots of praise and attention but obviously H and I haven't been our 'normal' selves lately, he's doing lots of PA silences and walking out of the room.

Fortunately in the midst of this the health visitor came to do youngest dc 2.5 check so I told her the situation, she has referred me for counselling and I will try to access support for managing this with the children too.

I used a couple of "two homes" books for my 4.9 year old. They were much simpler than her usual story books, but they were a fun read. At her age, I deliberately avoided any "not your fault" type stuff. My experience was that she was too young for it to even cross her mind that it could be her fault - no way was I planting a seed!

I stuck to the idea that kids need certainty. So I chose not to tell her til I moved out (split Apr, left Aug). Then when she was excited about there being another house, I was able to say "well we could go see it now...?"
I'd painted her room first, and put a new costume in it (her favourite thing!). I also got her father to come too to explore her other house, so it didn't feel like there was animosity.

I had my cry at nursery telling them - no shame there. I wanted to coach them to stay factual, not ask her if she was OK. Like I said - I didn't want to introduce the idea that it was a sad thing. Overall, my daughter has found it exciting, both having two houses, and the idea that mummy and daddy can now look for their "one true love" (she's a Disneyphile!)

I think what really helped her was that we had patented very separately previously. Partly me working away a lot, but also avoiding each other on weekends! If you're living together for a whole still, and have never left them for a weekend, I would do that now, so you can say "remember your daddy weekend...?" etc.

Good luck! It's been 5 months since I moved out, daughter does 4/3 and 5/2 depending on the week. She's really settled, and hasn't considered divorce a negative thing at all. I really recommend reminding yourself that it is adults who think it's a traumatic thing, and we can try hard not to plant that idea with children who wouldn't always naturally think it!

I think it's unwise to assume children are going to react a particular way based on your own feelings. They judge the world on the basis of what you say and how you behave. If you seem upset or nervous they'll pick it up... as they are currently doing. If the pair of you appear happy and confident, looking forward to this new lifestyle as a big adventure with lots of advantages they are more likely to accept it.

Too true CogitoErgoSometimes one of my traits is second guessing what others will feel/think/do. I need to train myself out of it!
I'm probably transferring my own feelings about my parents' hideous violent marriage and subsequent split, I was the same age and witnessed awful things plus had sporadic contact and then no contact with my dad. I really did feel that he didn't love me but as an adult I see the full picture, Mt parents are very damaged people who didn't handle life very well at all!
I did think about trying to make it a jolly adventure, although He is very negative (in denial) about the whole thing.

Cabrinha your approach sounds great. I think I will print out all these replies and keep them by me for inspiration and support. I know plenty of single mums whose kids are fine!

H also works long hours and they barely see him for 4 days in a row and we do alternate parenting on the whole so I think you are right about the effect being different from if we'd been altogether every day. It'd heartwarming to read that it can be handled so it seems a positive development. I agree with not telling them to far in advance, I think that could just fill them with dread and trepidation about what will happen next.

Then you can't legislate for his attitude but you can certainly opt to be positive yourself and not behave the same way as your parents. Agree with the person who says that you shouldn't even hint at any idea of 'fault' whether that's to do with your ex or the children. No need to overcompensate or overcomplicate either. Present them with 'Mummy and Daddy have decided', answer any questions in an age-appropriate way and then try to resume their normal life and a regular schedule.

Thanks cogitoergosometimes I will work hard to keep things appropriate and be careful how I word things.

I got with H quite a while after he and his ex split but I remember some really petty argument about a wastepaper bin and £200, messages going back and forth between him/her and his step daughter (her daughter) at the time I spoke up and said that it wasn't fair on the stepdaughter and I'm hoping that he will be more reasonable this time around.

Hoping for 'reasonable' is always commendable but plan for 'more of the same' as it tends to be more realistic when dealing with petty types.

Yeah I'm kind of expecting the same. I am going to be very clear on boundaries with him and appeal to his vanity : he is so concerned with presenting a whiter than white image that I am hoping his fear of appearing bad will be enough to make him be reasonable. He is not going to want to look like a bad dad and enjoys playing the martyr... Please God!