Feel torn between my mum and DP's family

[BertieBowtiesAreCool]

Something has happened today which has made me feel quite shaky and upset and I'm not sure how to deal with it now.

DP and I are getting married in just under 2 weeks. We live abroad but had realised that it may be possible to extend our Christmas visit to the UK and do it here. So everything has been very last minute and planned in a rush.

We are staying with DP's sister and BIL who have been utterly fantastic, almost as excited about it as we are but they are also masters of organising stuff and in the last 2 weeks it's changed from being a quiet affair to a full blown party with dresses, suits, flowers and a restaurant afterwards. Not what we had expected but we are thrilled and over the moon about it.

However, I've had my mum on the phone in tears to me today because she's upset that she feels pushed out and, specifically, that she didn't come dress shopping with me. Then she said she wanted to speak to SIL and now SIL is upset too even though she hasn't intended to push her out at all - in fact, it came totally out of the blue to me, because I hadn't seen interest from my mum at all. Now she's said that she wanted to come and help choose the dress, I'm gutted that I missed out on doing that with her too. But in fact, it wasn't that she wasn't invited, it's just that we had sort of made a plan to do it one day, DM was coming over that evening, so we mentioned it to her and she said "Oh, I can't, I'm working." with no hint of disappointment or asking if we could rearrange. When I spoke to her today, she said that when she heard we were going dress shopping she felt it like a massive blow to her chest because she couldn't come and she couldn't speak and ask to do it differently and was really upset about it afterwards, too upset even to text or FB me and ask if I wanted to do it another day (if she didn't want to say in front of everybody). I am devestated to hear that she was so upset and the worst part was that it absolutely would have been easy to rearrange if she'd just said, it wasn't like it had been planned for ages or was a particularly solid arrangement.

DP is really annoyed that she's upset his sister, I'm sad she's been upset by it and wish she'd felt able to speak up. And also feel bad because I should have involved her more in the first place. But I've found it hard to connect with her since we moved abroad and I wonder if that is part of it - something else she mentioned is that when she arrived on Christmas day she gave me a big, long hug and then SIL joined in shouting "Group hug!" - DM was upset by that, even though she'd chosen to see us for the first time AT SIL's house despite us arriving 2 days earlier.

Your mum sounds like one of those people who are completely unable to see a connection between their actions and their not getting what they want/need relationally. It's very irritating - my DM's like this too. I haven't managed to get through to her and don't understand it. She just persists in not making much effort generally, then behaving like a dying swan at the last minute. But the pain is genuine and could be to do with low self esteem or fear or rejection. However all that as it may be, congratulations about getting married!! In the nicest possible way, I think this is probably an oversight on your part and would be best cleared up by your heroically accepting all blame. It's a mum daughter thing to choose a wedding dress so it was probably an oversight to invite others along so your DM felt like her presence was an after-thought. Now, given that your relationship with her is much more important than any dress, and her pain might well outweigh any enjoyment you'll get from the dress, I would return the dress and start again. (It can't be too late if you're being so last minute about it anyway). Failing that, ditch all shoes/veil/stole/jewellery and start over with your DM on that. And take her to the florist - there are always lots of decisions to be made there. And I would be a little wary of DSIS exuberance in the future over family events, however well meant. She clearly loves the excitement of 'an occasion' but has next to no empathy for how less in-your-face people might feel. So tell your DP to shut up and go apologise to her privately as well, because looking out for your mum wasn't her job and it's sad she's been upset. (Is your mum one of these types who says nothing until she explodes? Awful).

Well, this is the thing, it hasn't been an issue in the past, except for just after DS was born which I had put down to XP being controlling and overbearing so hadn't connected it to being an ongoing thing. But she's always been able to talk to me - if anything it's the fact we haven't been as close recently that got in the way and I got caught up in everything happening.

She definitely has low self esteem and struggles to make her wishes heard.

Unfortunately the dress was non refundable and there's no way we can afford another one - we got an extremely good deal as it was. But the shoes, jewellery etc are all her territory now! I don't think SIL has been overbearing at all, if anything, it was me going "ooh yes, let's go now!" etc and not thinking about including others. I hadn't really thought about it being a mother/daughter thing although this seems obvious now. Plus, DP's family very much think about something and get down to it right away whereas my mum (and me, to be fair) tend to dither about and it takes longer which we don't really have time to do with this.

I'm not a big fan of people who don't declare their wishes/feelings/interests at the time and then get upset about it after the fact when absolutely nothing can be done about it.

I think your mum needs to wind her neck in, to be honest. If she is genuinely upset about it, that is sad, but what is making everyone else feel bad about it going to achieve?

This is your wedding and she's, frankly, being selfish. It's one thing to feel upset, and it's another thing to unintentionally upset you by saying how she feels (if it was unintentional...) but it's another thing entirely to bring your SIL into it. That's the point at which I would lose sympathy for her.

She definitely has low self esteem and struggles to make her wishes heard.

Well she's certainly not struggling to make her feelings felt now, is she?

Do not let your DM ruin your big day. You are arranging a big lifetime event at very short notice, compromises will have to be made.

My DM has been doing this ALL her life, turning down opportunities & then playing the upset martyr afterwards.

Your SIL sounds fantastic by the way, don't let your DM's attention seeking (sorry to be harsh but that's what it is) upset her.

I think your mum is the issue here, how inappropriate of her to say anything to your SIL!!!

I think your mum was awful to upset your sil like that

I can understand her expressing to you that she was disappointed, though I also agree that she should have spoken up at the time. But to speak to your sil about it is really out of order, your poor sil sounds like she's been nothing but supportive

I don't understand why people are been so harsh about your mum.I can understand how she felt unable to say something whilst you were sat with your dp's family.It is a tradition to go dress shopping with your mum and perhaps you should have asked her when would be good for her.You only get one mum and unless she has been abusive to you,you should make the effort too.Tell your dp to wind his neck in,that's your mum.

I didn't go dress shopping with my mum and she is far too sensible to be upset by silly things like this, I didn't even know you were 'supposed' to. Your mum is upset because she's not the centre of attention- if she was really keen to help you she would contain her upset over the dress, offer to help with any other things that needed doing, and make sure she was round at your IL's house as much as possible. She isn't, and she is upsetting what is a really happy time. Even if you were in the wrong (which you are not as far as I am concerned), a lovely mum would realise you were rushed, she couldn't make the day and be happy you are happy.

I am harsh, because getting upset about someone shouting 'group hug' is trivial, and getting upset about not being included in the shopping trip when you were invited but couldn't make it is something she could suck up for her dd- now everyone is upset, and she has caused that. If she feels she is losing you, it would have been better to have rung up and suggested a girle coffee and chat before the wedding. I would never upset a bride before a big day even if I thought they were a bit out of order, it's just selfish to do so.

And all this-ditch the dress, ditch the florist, ask your mum along, I am incredulous at this. I married in my early thirties and had a quickie wedding, we just planned it, did it and invited everyone along. We had a really super day, I'm pretty sure my mum wasn't sitting there thinking, oh if only I'd had a say in her shoes...we all pitched in. My mum chose her own outfit, that's it. I'm 100% sure she would have found it very odd if two people in their 30's had kept consulting her about what time to do this, or what restaurant to go to, we chatted a lot but it wasn't a formal decision-making relationship. Perhaps we are weird?

I think there is a lot of very traditional nonsense in weddings, but if your mum sees this as a 'sign' that you are becoming less close, this is where the real issue lies. I would take it away from the wedding issue, make a time to see your mum face to face and have a reassuring chat with her about how you will always be in touch (with you living abroad, she must be pretty worried she is losing you)- but also make it equally clear that you won't have her being nasty about your SIL, that's not necessary. If she wants to be included, there are things she can be included in, not least actually coming around to see you and being supportive of your choices!

I feel for your mum. As you've said since you've moved abroad you find it hard to connect to her. With you gone, the difficulty connecting when you're there and having played no part in your wedding so far, I'm not surprised she feels pushed out. You're her daughter and she feels like she's losing you.

I think you're spot on to make the other details her thing, just apologise for being caught up in the madness and spend a but of time together tweaking what's left to be done.

Also congratulations!

How about meet/ phone your mum and tell her how glad you are that she's been honest with you now about how she feels and that you'd LOVE to turn it into an opportunity for you both to commit to better, clearer communication in future, and would she like that?
Ask her How would she see that working?
What would she need to be able to tell you in advance, not after the fact, ways she'd like to be close to you?
Can she tell you which things for the wedding (shoes, etc) shed like to help with, and put dates in the diary now, as a start?
That you're asking her because it's really important to you, you love her, and you're excited to be making a new start where you'll both be able to happily ask for what you want.

It might give you, and her, a way to see this as an opportunity rather than a disaster that can't be fixed? And puts some of the responsibility for making it work on her, which, if she's been avoiding it, can only be good?

Yes. I have been thinking about this last night and realised I need to speak to her not specifically about this but about our relationship in general. It's not about SIL at all - it's about us not having the connection that we used to. I wish I'd been able to see this before she spoke to SIL and caused everybody to be upset, it does seem to be dying down though. I think I'll call her today and arrange to get together just the two of us and have a proper talk about everything.

I feel sorry for your mum.

I think she doesn't help herself but I think the overtaking of your Inlaws must be so hard to watch and see when she's probably had daydreams about you,her,weddings,dressed for many years. I can understand her inability to speak when informed of the dress shopping and trying to not make a scene in front of them.

And it's highlighted how far apart you are emotionally and physically. To speak out is quite brave. I know you probably see it as rocking the boat being horrible, raining on your parade. But I think she might be breaking her heart just a little.

Not sure why she's spoken to your SIL though.

I have a horrible feeling that it's because she can't fathom that I would have left her out by not thinking about her. So she's assumed that for me to bypass her, SIL and co must have taken over and railroaded. But the truth is really that I just didn't consider it :( so, yes, partly her fault for not saying anything at the time or before but mainly mine because she should have been more important to me, she IS more important to me. It's pissing me off now that everyone is making comments like "Oh, we must let her feel involved" like she's a child who needs indulging. I don't want to "let her feel involved", I want her to BE involved and I feel terrible that I didn't facilitate that in the first place.

No I agree with you Pancake. I can see she's hurt a lot by it and couldn't initially see why people were annoyed with her but I think it's all been a misunderstanding and crossed wires.