how not to argue?

[catsanddogs]

Could I ask what you do/how you react when your dh/dp is ratty, grumpy, in a bad mood? We have two young dcs, so situations can be stressful. I’ve realised that I tend to react when dh is unreasonable (in my view), which then escalates the situation (not good for the dcs!). My parents always argued. They still do. I have a much healthier relationship with dh, but I struggle with this part. I don’t know what is a normal and healthy way to react in such situations. I don’t want the dcs to learn this kind of behaviour. I know how hard it is to not follow your parents’ model. Any tips? What you do? Bite your lip? I do this for a bit, but only manage it for so long, if dh continues. It there anything more constructive than saying ‘stop being such an arse’ or some suchlike, to which he will then react, and I do to whatever he says, and on it goes.

bump

I do that thing where I assume it must be something I have done and ask him repeatedly what's the matter. Then we have a big row and he tells me what it is I ave done and I tell him not to be an arse.

If it's genuine work stuff I just breathe and ignore or tell him it's not my fault.

Arguing is not the problem....it is the way you do it and the aftermath that causes problems. it is possible to disagree strongly, to remain respectful and to make sure that it is about something rather than someone...[[http://vmarano.tumblr.com/post/3181313052/how-to-fight-fair-in-a-relations.

Talking about things after the event and finding strategies together would be a start and working out what is triggering and what is supportive.

mind you.....my parents were awful role models and I've come out of an abusive relationship so this is book knowledge...the only people i have managed to have disagreements with like this are my brother and close friends.......!

vmarano.tumblr.com/post/3181313052/how-to-fight-fair-in-a-relationship

My DH is grumpy but he knows it is a problem, which makes it a bit easier to deal with.

The best approach I reckon is to make him aware he is being an arse in a way that doesn't provoke an argument, eg "is something wrong?" Or "have you had a bad day". Most of the time i dont manage this as his behaviour winds me up and i cant stay calm and detatched.

My less good but more common way of dealing with it is to go mad and start telling him he is out of order, why is he trying to make my life a misery. Or alternatively burst into tears and say the same.

But both these are better than pretending to ignore it or sniping back imo. That just builds resentment and eats away at your relationship. At least if you row it airs feelings.

Does your DH recognise that he has a problem? Could he be depressed? My DH has some MH problems and knowing that makes it (slightly) easier for both of us to deal with it calmly.

Arguing is not the problem....it is the way you do it and the aftermath that causes problems. it is possible to disagree strongly, to remain respectful and to make sure that it is about something rather than someone

^^This.

My parents almost never argued - I remember 2 arguments in my entire life between them. But I think silence and pretending nothing is wrong when it clearly is isn't a good example, either - things that should be dealt with tend to be brushed under the carpet instead, and then they're still there, unresolved and festering.

Thanks for the responses. Thinking about it, it is actually a lot like you describe Gintonic - I do go mad and tell him he is making our lives a misery (and when particularly bad burst into tears). But I do think it's bad for the dcs when it happens in front of them. I don't think it affects our relationship in the sense that we carry resentments around with us; I do think we are quite good at moving on to a better place realtively quickly. I worry about the dc though. My older one told me today that we seem to be arguing constantly, which we have in the last fews days and which is generally not an uncommon experience. This has been going on for a long time, and I have concluded that it would be better for me to learn to deal with it differently, because he does not seem to be able not to be grumpy in the first place (or not to express his grumpiness the way he does).