So scared to be a single mum.....

[heyelp]

So after 8.5 years of marriage (and 14 years since we met)...we are finally talking sensibly about splitting. It is the right decision. However am sooooo scared about two things

• the practicality of looking after DS 7 yrs and DD 5 yrs (I am the breadwinner with a big stressful career travelling globally often - DH doesn't work yet as we are just back from abroad but he will be getting a job soon). There is no question from DH that the kids will stay with me
• the emotional impact on the kids

DH will live nearby. Very nearby. He says he will help a lot with kids eg take them to school and pick them up etc. he is going to work flexibly in order to do this. He already has a new gf who will move to be nearby in 6 mths. I have told him not to move out for about 12 months until he has a job, the new house we have just bought is refurbished and we can also finally sell something to ensure my mortgage is low enough for me to be able to take a career break for c. 3 months when he actually moves out.

So scared for the kids. So scared to be a single mum. Stuff that sounds petty worries me.

You are fearing the unknown and that is only natural in the circumstances. Perhaps positive steps would be to write a list of the things you need to do and tick them off as you achieve them so you can see the progress you are making. You could write another list about the things that you fear although you might not be able to do anything about them until they happen, it just might to help to have them on paper rather than in your head.

With regards to the children, would it be possible to arrange a nanny or a nanny share given your career and travelling? So far as their emotional wellbeing goes, if you are open with them and explain things at their level they will probably be more resilient than you think. There is also support available through schools and GPs to help if you run into difficulties so keep the school informed of the changes as they happen and they can be mindful of any issues that might arise.

When your life takes a turn you didnt bargain for it is scary as the future does not seem certain, be kind to yourself and try to take each day at a time.

Honestly you will be fine. It is all in the logistics and you will be a bit less perfect all round, but everyone will cope and indeed thrive eventually. It's sounds like stbx is completely onboard and aware of the necessities. Two wardrobes for kids so no forgetting stuff. Just school bag, if they use one, going from one house to the other. Really it's much easier than you imagine and it can be a great improvement. No compromises with partner, you're the boss of your own ship, you get quality alone time and proper lie ins.

You will be fine. The children will be fine. It will be fine.

The children will be fine. Mine are. It's not the situation that determines how the children will 'be', but how the adults conduct themselves. It sounds as though you and your husband are communicating well and making these decisions together.

Actually, I really enjoy being a single parent, for the reasons wallypops said. I cope fine and I'm on ADs for anxiety and depression and have no parents or family support! Seriously, you will fine.

In fact, I bloody love it and am in no hurry to change things

You will be fine. Though I would think long and hard about a career break, how easy will it be to return in the current market? You don't know how things will change further down the track under the influence they can change dramatically and often for the worse.

You can't on the one hand go for a split and on the other remain reliant on him. Not moving out for 12 months isn't realistic and will just confuse the children. I realise what you're planning is daunting but I think you've got tunnel vision at the moment on the whole job/childcare/foreign travel aspect and you need to broaden your scope, get some other ideas and rethink it so that you end up with a lifestyle you can more easily manage independently. Lone parenting is terrific but challenging, even if you have a cooperative ex. You will have to adjust to reality and anticipate change rather than assume everything will be exactly as before.

The children will be fine as long as you always make them your top priority and provided you are both consistent and respect each other's boundaries. Good luck

BTW... if your job is big, successful and therefore very well paid, an au pair is probably going to be a good investment.

My au pair has changed my life. The most empowering choice I have ever made, she has meant that I have been able to start a new business, and I reach my full potential (I feel). Sadly she will be moving on in a few weeks - but she has allowed me and the kids to bloom .

Thank you all for your support and helpful thoughts and words. Yes it is fear of the unknown. For sure am going to have to get a nanny or an au pair. The point of a career break is to ask my current job for one for say 3 months (I have worked there for 17 years) and then go back again. Simply so I will be physically at home when it all happens. For sure will not be able to give up work ongoing. Thing is that if DH stays for another 12 months it is not confusing the DC because they do not know anything yet and will not know until it happens.

It is nice to read that they can be fine as long as the adults conduct themselves well. That is what we are working together to do.

Thank you

Staying "together" for 12 months afte you have decided to separate will be very hard work. And as he already has a girlfriend I think that makes it harder. The time between knowing XH was going to leave and him actually leaving was only a couple of months but they were extremely difficult.

The DC might not explicitly know but I imagine they will realise something in the next 12 months. Is there any way you can make this time shorter? Sometimes anticipation can be worse than the reality.

On the plus side I was worried about how the DC would cope when XH and I separated. They were 7 and 5 (are 10 and 8 now) and seem to be fine. And I'm fine too. Things will get better :)

I agree with others posting that it is the fear of the unknown but you sound like a strong woman and things do sort themselves out.

12 months will be a very long time to live like that. we found it incredibly difficult once we had made the decision to live without telling the children. this was in October and the plan was to get through Christmas but I couldn't do it. so we told them a week before he left which was the start of November when he had secured a house.

but every situation is different any maybe that 12 months will work for you but I would not try and think in such long term. work a week at a time. or maybe a month.

my h does a lot of school run too and initially we stayed the same but him coming here a lot I found uncomfortable and possibly confusing for dcs. so when we start next week it will be less mornings and

sorry posted too soon...

more pick ups where dcs go to his house. I think it all has to be what suits you both and your situation. its such a big change.

dcs at that age will be ok I'm sure. teenagers tend to find it harder. books can help- mum and dad glue and I dont want to talk about it - are both good ways in.

I too enjoy the freedom others have mentioned, freedom to please myself and dcs. but it is sad. I am sad that's how my marriage ended and working full time is hard.

good luck.

Another one who is going to say the agreeing to split and him actually going was the most horrific and for me it was only 1 month. H had transformed OW into GF and of course I knew everytime he saw her it was like being stabbed each time.
I also have a very demanding job and also have an au pair.
My DD definitely took strength from me continuing life as normal I think if I had had time off work she would have felt that things were much worse.
Sadly for my DD she has had a very difficult time ExH has behaved like a total prat topping it off before Christmas by getting arrested for drink driving with her in the car and her having to be left in hotel with pissed alcoholic GF (OW).