Life after being the OW

[talksomesense]

I have spent the last year being an OW. I was in a relationship at the time and betrayed my partner in the most horrific ways. I ended my relationship, MM stayed in his despite up until the day before deciding he would stay with his wife, declaring how much he wanted to be with me. He disclosed the affair and she forgave. MM continues to contact me but he is blocked and I no longer reply. I have learnt a lot in the month or so since this happened, mainly in retrospect, the pack of lies MM spun and how foolish I was to believe any of it and destroy my relationship with a kind and generous man.

Now it is new year, I want to start anew but am still struggling greatly. I feel immense guilt towards MM's wife, my ex partner and a huge sense of loss of self at what I have become, the pain I have put people through and my selfishness. I also feel so alone. How do I move forward and become a better person?

How do I move forward and become a better person?

It sounds like you've already started.

I completely disagree with the previous poster, Forgive yourself NOW. You ended the relationship with your MM and what he did/does is of no consequence to you. He has to make it up to his wife and there is nothing that you need to do there. If there's no further contact with your ex partner, there's nothing else you need to do there either.

I'm a bit confused though when you say that you've blocked MM and that you don't reply. If he's blocked, how do you know that he's still trying to keep contacting you?

I would take some time to think about what I wanted out of life, what I thought were the reasons why I engaged in an affair and put up some internal barriers to prevent it happening again. Do things to make yourself happy now, put some excitement and joie de vive in your own life and open up the possibilities of finding a new partner when you're ready.

There's no point beating yourself up; that won't achieve anything. You know what you did was wrong and you - presumably - wouldn't do it again. The discomfort that you feel at what has transpired is punishment enough.

you are doing the right thing blocking.
I think you have gone through enough to think about going back.
move on, focus on you for a bit.

There's really no point beating yourself up. You've made a big mistake & paid a high price. Life's tough enough as it is without cripplng yourself with self-reproach on top. Whatever it takes to put the whole thing in the past, get on and do it. Good luck

Did you end your relationship with your partner on the understanding that MM was also going to end his marriage? Were you hoping to get together with MM properly?

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job already. Good on you for seeing the light and blocking him.

I am sorry that you are having to feel bad about what you did, I guess that is the price you pay but you will be able to put it behind you with the sensible steps you have taken.

It is time to be good to yourself and look forward to a better future.

I don't think you can feel that much guilt for the man's wife. If he'd have left her or she hadn't forgiven you'd still be with him after all.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought already. You are not responsible for someone else's wife, and I don't suppose you would cheat on your own partner again after this experience, and seeing how much hurt it causes.
It's important to learn from it and move on, which it sounds like you are doing. It's a new year, so use that to move forward.

Thank you everyone, especially handful whose thread I have been following and whose input on mine proves you to be a gracious and forgiving human being.

quietly, no it is recent. Although I have not yet had years of self flagellation, i'm a destroyed shell of my former self due to the amount of betrayal and pain I have caused.

RollerCola, I ended my relationship as I could not cope with double life. I cannot even lie and say it was because my ex-p deserved to know the truth. My own anxiety was such that I had to tell him for the sake of MY own mental health. MM did say much later that he would disclose to his wife so that we could be together. He did disclose and then they got back together.

Lying, I have blocked all modes of contact but still get texts from a new unknown number about how 'trapped' MM feels.

Everyone can make mistakes, you are not the first and certainly not the last person to fall for a MM. Seems like you have been feeling guilty for far too long. Instead of feeling crap make peace with yourself, it's time to move on and look forward to the future and be happy.
Don't agree with punishing yourself a little bit longer (how on Earth would this help OP I cannot imagine)
Be kind to yourself, you didn't kill anyone or robbed the bank.

Maybe he didn't disclose at all and instead got found out?

as I read it, the MM ended the relationship with you after you ended yours with your husband. Is that right, only a pp said you ended it with the MM and that's not what I thought you said?

Do you want to get back with your husband? Would he consider that if you did? If that was a viable option, would you tell him that you'd be with the MM if he hadn't stayed/been allowed to stay with his wife?

It sounds like the MM wants to continue an affair but doesn't want to lose the relationship with his wife? In which case it's good you're ignoring. I hope his wife finds his new phone though.

By the way, although I sympathise my own view on people who are beating themselves up is that it's a diversion from actually confronting the truth about themselves and why they made certain choices. That's why I queried what you said about feeling guilt towards his wife as I don't think that's true as he was the one to end things and that hurt and disappointed you.

So yes, stop beating yourself up, but face your demons and don't hide behind something that might be false and diversionary.

That sounds tough, and though it hurts you did the right thing. I get the 'double life' guilt. I really can't understand how people can actually have affairs without any guilt. It says a lot about your character that you did 'feel' such guilt and that's good. And you acted correctly by ending it with both men.

Try not to beat yourself up now, it was a big mistake and no doubt you'll learn from this and not do it again. Try to look ahead, do things just for yourself. Be good to yourself, you're not a bad person, you just made a mistake.