Give me strength

[troubledmumwithson]

I feel I am being ruled by my son, I am at a point of desperation. I am so tired and have been really ground down over the last 5 years.
I fear that his mental health is unstable, since the demands that he makes are irrational and self serving. His mass silences are unbearable, My son is 27, has not moved out since my husband passed away 5 years ago, he will not get a job and does not pay rent, and increasingly is making demands in the House, with no regard for anyone else's opinion.
From switching off the music I'm listening to, and putting on 'something that we all want', to switching off the TV because 'its bad for you and its unsociable'. Not wanting the fire lit, wanting the fire lit, saying I'm never there to talk to. he has a real problem with the doors being unlocked, or locked, but I will frequently return home to find all the windows and doors open and he returns back from a walk after 2 hours of me wondering where he is.
I have literally no energy, the last 5 years have gotten increasingly worse and I now find myself in a position where my life is made up of getting up and going out, either in the garden, for a walk or to see my sister, hoping to get through an evening without the hating stares and just wanting to go to sleep after food and a bit of TV.
I lost my husband in 2008 and my elder son has made tracks.
both of my sons have had a usual countryside upbringing, and have gotten degrees and I have tried to tread both equally, but when the youngest says its all my fault and that I have treated the other better I just cannot seem to get my head around where it all went wrong....

At least this year we were able to allow family back in the house and he had seemed to make some headway actually moving into a caravan for 6 months (he barely speaks to me and so I do not know what he has been doing apart from 'resting' for 5 years, he has remained Physically fit and has been getting into healthy food to try and help himself.... he eats Raw food now) although this year he was extremely rude to family and friends, going to great lengths to make guests fell unwelcome and uncomfortable.
He says children should not be pushed from the nest, but fly when they are ready, but if I see no way of helping him I feel my only option may be to sell up and leave.
I have suggested that he should get a job, but he said that he believes he is here for a higher purpose than work.
has anyone else been in a situation similar to this or is there any advice on how to stay strong and come to a better relationship with my son. I have tried many options and just wanted to help my son, however now that it is affecting my own health and stability this much I need help.

Gosh, didn't want to read and run but don't really know what to suggest. He sounds quite confused and disillusioned about life, although he would not admit this thinking about the "higher purpose" comment. He seems he's looking for something, not quite fitting into society, possibly he has some mental health problems like anxiety or depression, do you think? Does he smoke weed?

However he's 27, and this is ruining your life and peace of mind. Did you say he gives you the silent treatment? This is domestic abuse. He sounds very controlling and I think he needs to be put in his place. Sorry but you have to put your foot down as he will get worse and worse the more he gets away with it.

Can your other son intervene? I can imagine you feel powerless, he's your son and you love him and want what's best for him but he is not treating you with respect.

How about calling the Domestic Violence helpline or contacting Womens Aid? They will help you stay strong and give you the perspective that despite him being your son, he's an adult who is choosing to behave this way.

OP, you might get more help if you ask MNHQ to move this into Relationships.

i would post this in another topic/section if you know how to, as I don't have any words of advice but didn't want to read and not reply as it sounds awful - poor you.

I think you need to find some outside support and help to give you the strength to do what you need to change the situation - sell up and move to a 1 bed flat if that's what it takes. Sure you will need support to do that, as he sounds horribly controlling and won't want the status quo to change. I agree it sounds like a form of emotional abuse/domestic violence.
I really hope you get some help, please try and post in another section as sure you will get some good advice

If I were you, I'd honour his belief that he should not be 'pushed out of the nest' and fly away myself. Leave him there and go and rent a little flat. I would also be honest with him and tell him that I can't cope with the way I'm being treated, so I'm going. Either way, I think something drastic needs to happen here to put things into perspective and make him realise there is only so much a person can take. It sounds like domestic abuse and I know he's your son, but he should not be treating you or the family like this. Put your foot down and put yourself first, because at the end of the day, he's a grown man who needs to take the steps to sort out his own problems. You can't do that for him now.

I would class this as abuse also. I would speak to Womens Aid.

Would you like him to move out?

I am sure it must be very difficult to start sticking up for yourself but you really need to otherwise I cannot see an end to this situation. Your son has everything he needs so there is no reason for him to change anything.

I too see some definite patterns of abuse in your story OP. From small things like turning off something you are watching, to bigger issues like dictating who can visit your house...they are all about control.

This young man, whether he be mentally unstable or not, must not be allowed to control his mother like this.

It is time for him to leave.

It sounds like your son may have a mental health problem and/or a lack of boundaries, you are certainly being emotionally abused in your own home and I wouldn't be surprised if you are physically scared of him as well.

Could you go to the GP for a confidential conversation about your own health and wellbeing? Then phone women's aid for some advice on leaving these type of situations.

I think trying to get help for your son will be difficult as it seems he does not perceive he has a problem and you are scared of him, but ideally if he could go to the doctors or be in touch with the mental health team in the area, this would benefit him, although I see your difficulties in trying to effect this and wonder whether removing him/yourself from this situation might be the easier thing to do given he's an autonomous adult.

You can Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222.

And get advice from Women's aid. I'd also take legal advice.
As your husband died, do you own the house, or does your son own part of it?

I know something of this btw.

My bil spent 10 years living rent free with mil and her dh. He works nightshifts, and slowly but surely it became that he was controlling the entire household to suit his own needs.
Music throughout the day was banned. Any DIY and use of powertools was banned, as was the lawnmower and the hoover. Visitors were glared at and doors slammed. Anything that disturbed him was a big NO.
He contributed nothing...be it financially or otherwise. When sfil cracked eventually after years of it and told him to get his own place, bil was outraged. He could not believe it!!

Therte are people whose mindset is such that they are unable to see anything from outside of their own perspective. Those are the people who are likely to behave abusively.
They genuinely believe that they are right, and their loved ones have to be made to see that they are right.

Your son's sense of entitlement over you and your home is complete.

You have got to take care of you.

Rent a flat, pay a month's rent and move HIM into it. He can then either get a job or start claiming benefits.

Thank you so much for all your kind words and varied opinions.
Its good to know I'm not the only one in this situation.
I am taking some steps towards having a life of my own.
Give me strength!