My mother tried to kill herself on New Year's Eve

[strawberryblondebint]

My mum has had mental health issues for most of her adult life. She was in a horrific marriage with my father who was emotionally abusive and sexually abusive as well as a serial cheater. She got rid of him and went on to have issues.She has had ect therapy, long periods of depression and periods of mania which she denies and blames on withdrawal from diff medications. (Shoplifting, imaginary rape, poor financial decisions. she was diagnosed at one point with bi polar but has recently denied this. She had come off all medication bar venafalaxine and seemed to be better. Last christmas she began complaining of being physically unwell, nori virus then gall bladder. She caused incredible dramas with my sisters (a whole other story) who went no contact.. In august she bought a holiday home near me with my grandmother costing 30k which she used her savings to buy.. She still owns a flat about 2 hrs from me so financially still ok. At the time I had urged her to sell up and just buy near me.. She loved it here but again the drama started. She became obsessed with physical symptoms.. She convinced herself she had multiple sclerosis or some other neurological issues. She made it impossible for my grandmother to stay here and I got the blame for sending her home. She had numerous emergency call outs from the doctor and was given lots of different medications that she seemed to have constant side effects from. She became obsessed with getting herself into sheltered accommodation here and was reading ms for dummies.. The holiday park shuts for the winter season and she was trying to get a holiday let here so she didn't have to go home..she blamed the stairs at home.. She began walking with a stick and having spells of paralysis.. She eventually had to return home and cancelled my grandmothers visit.. This is the first year I out my foot down and told her I was having Xmas on my own here with dp and kids and not travelling,
.she returned home and immediately got herself admitted to hospital.. After many many tests including an MRI they found nothing bar osteoarthritis and discharged her.. I spoke to her regularly over the Xmas period and she had been getting out and seemed back to normalish.. I sent her a happy new year text but received no answer. I had no contact at all for 3 days and was worried sick although my uncle had spoken to her and said she was fine.. I then get a call saying she is back in hospital.. It turns out she had taken a paracetamol overdose, was discharged on New Year's Day and when the crisis tema were late to visit she had take a further overdose of other painkillers prescribed months ago.. Physically she is fine however she has consented into being admitted to the local psychiatric ward and I believe she is there today.. Dp is driving me down tomorrow to bring her some stuff and see her. I spoke to her on the phones and she just cried and said she wasn't coping and that she was sorry.. I am at my wits end.. My sisters who live in the same city as her refuse to visit. They cannot cope with the drama.. I just don't know what to do, what to say. It's all about her. She never thinks of anyone else. When she was here in the holiday home I saw her daily on my lunch hour yet that wasn't enough. She could still sell up and afford to move here but she changes her mind daily. Nothing makes her happy. She just wants to talk about herself all the time and no one can get a word in edge ways..and here I am jumping to her tune again despite the fact I am so hurt an angry..
Help

And I am in tears and feel sick about visiting. I feel guilty as hell and just don't know what the next step is. Just so I'm bit drip feeding I am a recovering alcoholic a few years sober now but still dealing with my own demons and I have a full time job and a 2 year old as well as 2 older children from my first marriage who don't live with me ( riddled with guilt over that) but whom I see regularly and miss every day..

I am so sorry. I don't know what to suggest other than please look after yourself. Have a warm bath when you get home from visiting her etc. Is your DP supportive? Will your sisters at least see you and talk to you about it if they won't visit your mum?

I am so sorry to hear about your mum, I cannot imagine coping with this,I hope someone wiser than me will be along who can help you better than I can but just wanted to say you are not alone and send you some love.

I'm so sorry. You shouldn't feel guilty, but I'm not surprised you feel angry. You sound like a very supportive daughter and you have stuck by your mum when her other children can't cope anymore, which has obviously been really difficult for you, especially with everything you have to cope with in your own life.

It could actually be a good thing that your mum is now in the psychiatric ward, as she should get the treatment and care that she needs. She needs professional help, clearly, and you can't provide that, no matter how much you try.

I'm sorry your sisters aren't more supportive. It isn't fair that you are left to deal with this alone.

I think it might be worth you reposting this in 'relationships' as well, as you will get more traffic there.

Thanks so much for replying. Dp was really supportive of my mum, taking me to visit her before she had the holiday home here (I don't drive) but he hates drama and since she has been up here it was just one thing after another. I think he finally understood what I had been telling him.. Prior to that he had just seen a normal mum who had some periods of depression. It certainly explains my fucked up ness.. Toxic father and mentally ill mother.. Suicide was never ever something she had said she would do even at her very lowest.. I feel like I am being pulled in too many directions. I had just sorted out my own life and got happy and the drama starts again. My sisters (twins) won't have anything to do with her. They have taken my fathers side in recent years and she is their scapegoat. So it's down to me and I don't think I have the strength. I have too many other balls to juggle. If I knew what would make her happy I would do it in a Heartbeat. She just cannot lead a life without complete attention on her and her problems. That sounds harsh but it's true. She can be generous financially and present wise etc but it all comes at a cost. I am at my wits end.

I will ask to get this moved to relationships I think. Thanks toffee.. I haven't much faith in nhs psychiatric but I think I'm going to have to believe they can help.

So, so sorry. :(

You will have to trust the professionals.

Unfortunately mental illnesses can be worse than physical, to treat and to deal with.
But you do have to have in mind that it's not something you can control. It's her life, her body, her head. If it was cancer it would be out of your control too You can support her, but her well being doesn't depend on you. If only it was that easy.
Take care of yourself and your family.
And I hope she gets better.

Sorry to hear about your mum strawberry My dm also has a long history of depression and things got really ad a couple of years ago- not just with the depression but her attitude, she leaned on me very heavily ever since childhood for emotional support but nothing I could say or do was ever enough.

It all came to a head when her psychiatrist told her (and me) that she had to take more steps to help herself and stop blaming everything on the depression. So I took a firmer stance with her (had been more then tolerant up until then) which she didn't like and eventually after a big argument she took her first overdose. 6 months later and 10 days after I'd given birth to dc2 she took another overdose.

At this point I decided enough was enough and stepped back, I just couldn't do it anymore, I was so stressed and anxious, having panic attacks daily and I had to make the decision to put myself and my children first.

Sorry this is long winded but in a nutshell she is much better now, I think my stepping away made her realise how self absorbed she was being. Our relationship has been damaged and there is a distance there now but I need that for my own sake.

Your mum is in the best place, you can only do so much. I know she is your mum but is not your responsibility to "fix" her. I spent years trying to do that to no avail. You can support her and care for her but you shouldn't feel pressured into giving more than you are able to and certainly not at the detriment of your own mental health x

OP All I can say is be happy she is still here. Stay close to her and make sure she gets the help she needs, but at the end of the day you can only see what's on the surface. Usually medics can say whether the person really wanted to die or whether the attempt was a cry for help. Again, please, please, please be on top of the people treating her.

I agree with Lweji, there is only so much you can do. I recently buries my mom who ended her life so I know what you must be feeling right now. Stay strong and be there for her. xxx

Fox I am so sorry you lost your mum. To not have answers is horrendous. I have to say I attempted suicide many times when I was still drinking alcoholically but these were definite cries for help. I suppose I can't blame her but I am just so clouded by anger and emotion at the moment.
Mic button your story sounds like mine. I wouldn't entertain the idea if her supposed multiple sclerosis and when I was told she didn't have it she was ridiculously angry for telling the hospital about her mental health issues. Thenwhen I couldn't see her over Xmas it's just escalated to this. The one thing she has hated is to have her mental health brought into doubt yet ironically she has ended up in the place she feared.
My uncle who lives down South is interfering telling me what I need to bring her and even going so far as to mention to post back her old mobile so she doesn't get charged for it. Like that's a fuckin priority at the moment.

And lweji you speak sense. In al anon they tell you you can't control it you can't cause it and you can't cure it. I think her condition whatever it might be is similar. If only I could get her in a 12 step programme eh.

Yes strawberry my mum got really angry and felt that the psychiatrist and I were ganging up on her- we had a an argument over it when I refused listen to her verbally abusing me, 3 days later she took her overdose- i can't help but feel it was intended as punishment for me.

Ten days after having a c section while still being in pain I had to go and take her clothes etc the ward (she was only kept in for a couple of days in the end). After her 2nd od I followed the ambulance to the hospital and she told them not to let me in but then when the hospital wanted to discharge her later the same day they were ringing me to collect her!

I'm not making light of mental health illnesses, I do know that many attempted suicides are genuine or a genuine cry for help but it makes it very hard when it's being used as a form of manipulation because you have all the guilt of feeling annoyed and upset by their actions while at the same time you feel as though you have to be caring and supportive and you are worried about your relative and want them to be well.

I'm on my way with dp and the toddler to visit her. I feel sick and have a pounding headache. Wish me luck. I spoke to her on the phone last night and she was begging me to take her home.

Do consider what is best for your family. My mother took her emotionally abusive mum home (now for 2 years) and it has taken a bit toll on her and my dad. They are already pensioners, with a strong marriage.

Imagine all that drama with a toddler in the house.

I do think you need some physical distance from her.

I hope the visit isn't too awful :(

You are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, between your own needs and loving her, but it really does sound like you need to back off a bit. Not totally, but enough to take care of yourself and not to be pulled apart by her and her situation. You have a small one to look after and this huge pressure on you is no good for any of you.

Don't think there are any really satisfactory answers here at all. You just have to make the best choice you can, before finding yourself nearing a breakdown from exhaustion or stress.