Gawd, not another MIL & DC thread

[peking]

Hoping MNers can offer some tips as I've had a horrid feeling for a while now that I could be doing more to get on with MIL better for the sake of our DC. and my sanity

MIL, while helping us and providing us with some wonderful help over the years, has always seemed to get on with and prefer DH's brother's family over ours. She spends more time with them, clearly gets on far better with equivalent SIL (I never stop hearing about how wonderful she is, and it's true, she's a lot more similar to MIL than I am) and generally just seems more comfortable and "warm" with that side of the family when we are all together.

I worry that this might all stem from an incident a few years ago when I was going through some stress, MIL was a bit judgey and I cried in front of her. Cried buckets. And MIL has been rather awkward and - not cold exactly, but not very warm either - ever since. And I've been treading on eggshells, because she has quite a temper and I'm really wary of saying anything that might offend her.

I've tried to draw her out by getting her involved in DC's activities and talking about her hobbies, but she doesn't seem very interested and just gives polite answers. Whereas whenever SIL suggests doing something with her, MIL leaps on it.

Last Christmas I just thought "bugger it" and started rambling talking to her chattily like I do with my Mum, with whom I get on very well. But she just kind of raised her eyebrows and didn't engage with me :(

Any tips would be welcome. I don't really know how I can help draw her out, basically. It's got to the point where I wish she would just randomly turn up at our house for a spontaenous visit like some people complain their MILs do, because that at least seems so much natural than our current interactions!

You can't make someone warm to you or be drawn out if it's not what they want. So stop trying so hard. She didn't choose you and you didn't choose her... luck of the draw. You'll probably always have a slightly formal, polite kind of relationship with her rather than best buds in and out of each other's houses ... so work with the reality rather than busting a gut trying to turn things into something they're not. It'll be a lot more relaxing and honest.

Thanks Cognito. The formal, polite kind of relationship is of course preferable to many other alternatives but it's new to me. I'm used to people either completely not giving me the time of day, or being very warm. There's been no shades in between before, or if there has, it's been because I've just met them.

You can't if she doesn't want to, and it appears she doesn't want to.

Rather than trying to push for a level of relationship that isn't going to happen, just try and accept the one you have for what it is. So long as she doesn't treat your DC any differently and is polite to you, I really can't see that you can hope for much else - you are obviously not "her sort of person". Yes she could try harder, but that's down to her, not you - so let it go. :)

Man just give up.. If anything pull back from her. I wouldn't be telling her bugger all. Life's too short and not everyone is going to take to you.