Hi
I dont post often but I've read enough threads on here to know plenty of you can help me.
I have a friend who is having a really hard time and I dont know how to help. She had a violent, abusive husband who she left after almost 20 years. Her exh still contacts her to give her abuse now, 7 years later.
After she left him, she met someone else. As far is I know, this was an intense relationship that moved very fast but ended very gradually because of outside factors (him - one of his parents became very ill and he had to help care for them, her - her children needed extra help after the issues with exh and she wanted to put them first). This relationship sort of limped on under the extra pressure until about a year ago when they called it a day but are still in touch.
Anyway, she seemed ok with this, and in the two years i've known her, she has been so strong and she's an amazing, lovely woman.
At the beginning of decemeber, her youngest child (a young adult), told her he wanted to kill himself. He blames her for not leaving exh sooner, told her she was weak for staying so long and that he 'has issues now' that are all her fault.
Her eldest child has tried to reassure her that this isnt the case. He understands why it took so long to leave and is being brilliant. But she is like a broken woman now. She keeps saying that she let her children down and she doesnt trust her own judgement anymore. She keeps looking back at her relationships and saying how stupid she is.
Honestly, I dont know how to help. I had an abusive ex when i was a teenager but nothing like this, and she's older than me (im almost the same age as her eldest child). I dont have the experience to know what she needs. She doesnt confide this in the people that have known her longer as she thinks alot of them judge her for not leaving soon (several people advised her to leave and she was too scared to, and others still think she was being dramatic about him as exh is so charming).
At the moment we (me and another friend) have told her she can vent as much as she needs to to us and we will listen. I have reassured her that its understandable to have stayed with exh (i have actually had to make him leave when he came to her house once and he is a very scary man) and tried to help her talk through things about her family. I have also suggested counselling for her and the children and she said she will think about it.
What else can I do? She is so low at the moment and the confidence she had built up is gone and she deserves to be ok, she's one of the nicest people I know.
PS, sorry its so long!