We need to split up bit I'm very afraid of going through with it.

[Puttheshelvesup]

Hi

Dh and I need to split up. Together 11 years, married 8, 2 dc 5 and 3. We're basically really good friends who have children, at least that is how I feel. Although we are best friends we are mismatched sexually and our emotional needs are greatly different. I am an introvert who needs a lot of solitude, and with 2 small dc I don't get any. I also have a low libido. Dh is a cuddly extrovert who needs to be around people, especially if he's feeling stressed or down. He has a high libido. I don't think of him in a romantic way anymore, and haven't done so for a couple of years, although I thought until recently that I had issues with sex due to childhood sexual abuse which explained my lack of interest in a sexual relationship. Dh is still in love and in lust with me.

I don't get what I need from this relationship and he doesn't get what he needs, but calling it a day is proving really hard as I am so afraid of life without him in it. He's my very best friend and I am his.

Can anyone say anything that will boost my courage? This hurts so much and it would be so easy to bury my head in the sand and plod along for a few more years, but it really needs to end.

So as not to drip feed, I am a SAHM. The house is in both our names and we are in negative equity. We are looking at going to relate to help ease the transition, and to give us advice about how to tell the dc. I will go to CAB for financial advice, and a solicitors for legal advice.

You say you're best friends and that's usually a great basis for a marriage, even if the sexual compatibility is a little off kilter. Pity. Relate is a good idea and you might also want to consider individual counselling to help you sort out how you feel about yourself and life in general.

you sound like you have made your decision already.
but I agree with Cogito perhaps individual counselling will help you for a bit before you make a big life changing decision.
Has he told you how he feels or are you assuming because that's how you feel?
I think you should def do the counselling I feel from reading your post op that maybe you feel a bit lost being at home and need to get back out there again rediscover who you are, have some time for you then maybe your relationship could work again?.....

I've been in therapy for over 2 years, and dh since last feb so we're quite self aware as a result. It's definitely more than our sexual comparability being a little off kilter. Although I have a low libido I do think about sex, just not with dh. But more than the sexual issues it's the introvert/extravert dynamic that is most difficult to negotiate.

its good you can talk about the issues and your dh has been willing to talk
it sounds like you have tried all you can over the last 2 years.
if deep down though you feel you have come to the end you need to do what is right for you.

Then you probably have to metaphorically hold your nose and just get on with it. Get the advice, agree the terms, sign the papers, make the new life....