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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

V.strained/NC relationship with sister and DD birthday

24 replies

monkeynuts123 · 03/01/2014 21:22

My relationship with my sister is very strained and there have been a few failed attempts to fix things over the past few years but basically she has bullied me and committed some unforgivables and it has always been me seeking the peace while she plays very complicated mind-games. She is all over my DD but goes out of her way to ignore my DS and doesn't even acknowledge him in the room. This was the final straw and i have avoided her for 5 months and cancelled a couple of joint family events. Today there is a birthday card in post to my DD but on the envelope she has written DD name, then DS name and then our last name and has crossed out DS name, odd, just odd and would mean nothing if she didn't totally blank him also. Then in the card she says to DD (who is 3!) there is a present for her at her house. Well we haven't been to her house in 6 months, no invites and no intention of ever going back. But what the hell?

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 03/01/2014 21:27

What a bitch.

Bin it and don't respond.

Why is she still seeing you all to be in a position to be all over dd and ignore your poor ds? Or was that before you went NC?

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 03/01/2014 21:35

She came to drop presents for xmas a week or so early, and I hadn't seen her for months before that. She didn't kiss them hello or goodbye, sat and stared at them both, finally played with DD but totally ignored DS even when he held out a toy to her to play with (he is 16 months). Why put his name on the envelope and then cross it out?! There is a family history of demoralising men so when I saw how she treated him at xmas that was the end of it for me.

OP posts:

HissyNewYear · 03/01/2014 21:38

Don't accept gifts from her, don't let her into your home, shred all cards from her.

Get her out of your life, for good!

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 03/01/2014 21:40

Wow hissy what do you think she is up to?

OP posts:

AngelaDaviesHair · 03/01/2014 22:03

Don't drive yourself mad trying to understand. It may not even be clear to her why she does it. Just protect your children- no contact sounds about right.

HissyNewYear · 03/01/2014 22:24

Does it matter?

She HATES your little boy,

She's hurting him and harming him.

Get her out of your life, and protect your son from her.

She's really a sick individual.

HissyNewYear · 03/01/2014 22:25

Have you heard of the Stately Homes thread?

It's for dysfunctional families. You might find some support there!

HissyNewYear · 03/01/2014 22:25

Have you heard of the Stately Homes thread?

It's for dysfunctional families. You might find some support there!

appletarts · 04/01/2014 08:09

Thanks hissy, yes I've looked on the stately homes thread, defo a dysfunctional family. I think she's trying to hurt me through blanking my baby, she's sick isn't she? I have been reducing contact massively and only seeing her at times and situations where I can control practically everything which is exhausting and not very healthy for me to be honest. Her own son has gone no contact with her.

Deathwatchbeetle · 04/01/2014 08:27

Well that's very telling that her own son has no contact with her!!!!! Does she have it in for all males???? Or maybe it is since her son went NC. Either way keep her at a distance. As your son gets older he wil certainly pick up on this. Who needs a mad auntie in their life (I've a strange one myself but she hates all kids!!!!)

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 04/01/2014 13:37

I can't decide whether to give DD the card..............

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 04/01/2014 13:41

You'd be mad to. You're either NC or not.

That includes your dc, especially at this young age.

Why do you want to give it to her? This woman is treating your dd's baby brother abominably. Why would you want to foster any sort of relationship between them?

HissyNewYear · 04/01/2014 13:43

No, don't give the card.

It allows space in your lives to someone who visibly and spitefully erased your son from the card.

If you have any contact from her again, tell her that if she sends a card like that to you again that you'll force it up her arse so far, she'll have paper cuts on her tongue.

LookingThroughTheFog · 04/01/2014 13:46

DD doesn't need the card. If she asks about your sister, a child friendly way of answering is; 'no, we don't talk to people who are mean, and Sis is mean to DS.'

Pippilangstrompe · 04/01/2014 13:55

He's only 16 months? How cruel must she be to blank out a baby like that? Don't give your DD the card. Throw it out and don't respond. That is exactly what she wants. She wants to bring your back into the toxic relationship with her. Ignore her.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/01/2014 14:06

At three years old, it is probably 50/50 whether or not to give the card. If you do, be casual about it as if it were from an aquaintance (then accidentally spill some milk on it and toss it ). On the other hand your dd probably would not notice if you did not give it to her... imho, I'd go with that.

What the other posters have said is the reality of the circumstances, though. Sorry, but she is not only being very hurtful to your ds, she is setting up a possible dynamic that may in furure be an influence on how your dd will choose to treat her brother. It may be a power and control posture from your sister...knowing all the while that her dance with your dc wii have an effect on you as well.

Her transaction with your children has conviently side-stepped you. From my experience with my lovely sister, it is very difficult to say "no" to her generosity. Just know with metaphysical certitude, that there are strings attached, and those would not be nice ones. Utimately, my sister told my dd that she wanted my dd to "come to her first". That was a part of a bouquet of straws that broke the camel's back and we are NC with her.

MistressDeeCee · 04/01/2014 14:13

This is passive aggressive nonsense. Albeit it must be hurtful. Id ignore completely, and also go NC with sister. Nor would I instigate any contact between her & DCs, as she would likely start her poisonous games with them. Feeling 'obligated' to siblings and other family members who are meanminded, unkind pa troublemakers causes more trouble than its worth, imo. Their impact on DCs can be terrible too, to the point of making DCs view you differently with their poisonous talk and insinuations. When you become a mother its best to realise your DCs come first. eff the sister, she's an adult with her own life and she wont be the one providing you with joyful moments in time to come. But, your DCs will.

Sleepyhead33 · 04/01/2014 14:33

I will play devil's advocate here but could she have written his name by mistake then crossed it out because it is a card for you dd's birthday? So should be addressed to her rather than him?

Obviously there is a history here and so I am sure you are right to go nc just pointing out that the name think may be a genuine error?

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 04/01/2014 16:07

Well sleepy there is an element of that because the card is to DD for her birthday but why put his name on it anyway and surely if you did that by mistake you'd either write the card to include or just start again, not leave the name on there scribbled out. If there was no back story I wouldn't read anything into it (but would still think it odd) but it's because she sort of scribbles him out when she sees him it feels all wrong. Put it this way, he had an operation a month or so ago and she didn't even acknowledge it even though she knew when it was. And to say we have to pick up a present is manipulative eh when there's barely any contact, I mean if you want a kid to have a present you post it or ask the mother can you drop it off, not side-step the mother like band played on said. She's so twisted up it's exhausting.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/01/2014 17:24

I
h a t e
having to jump through hoops to get your gift.
Breathe, trying not to be triggered here .

Has she asked you what you are giving your dc yet, and then arrived with something 10 100 times bigger and better for them herself?

Read up on control dynamics, monkey. When I read "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft, (on behalf of my other sister) I thought it could very well have been titled "Why Does She do that?" As it described my lovely sister's behavior very accurately.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/01/2014 17:40

She is side-stepping around you to make you invisible. Even without children in the mix, that is awful, and very emotionally damaging:emotional abuse. It is a cumulative effect, insideous, as one or two incidents don't really amount to much and if you complain the "you are being too sensitive" card comes out. I got the "sorry you are offended" apology, nay, non-apology.

Perhaps she presumes she is superior with children as she has been there, done that, and hers are grown. No no no. This does not give her any rights to your children, or any right to judge you/your parenting. Imho, a good boundary is thus: if she can not be civil to you, then she will certainly not have access to your dc.

It is hard with very young dc, to eliminate possible sources of support/relief. But it will be much better for you to shield yourself and dc from the mindfuck dynamic that will only escalate as time goes by. You may be tired, but your soul will be at peace.

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 04/01/2014 18:05

Oh she was never any support. She babysat for us once all day and told me not to phone her to see how DC were doing, that I would have to trust her and let her get on with it and if I phoned her she would ignore my call. And the bitch did. Grrrr

OP posts:

Original poster

monkeynuts123 · 04/01/2014 18:05

Oh and bandplayed on, you've hit nail on head!

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/01/2014 20:09

I am glad that I can be of some help, monkey. I recommend the advice from the previous posters on going no contact. Especially, reread MistressDeeCee 's excellent post.

Enough is enough.

Why on earth would you put up with it any more?

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