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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do? :(

39 replies

elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 21:17

I have been doing some KIT days at work before I go back in Feb after maternity leave. Dh has had 2 weeks off work over Xmas and has been looking after Ds while I worked (quite reluctantly may I add). I am supposed to be at work tomorrow. He has now decided he doesn't want to look after Ds and is currently drinking. Just spoke to him and his exact words were "don't go dumping him in the bed next to me in the morning."

Since Ds was born I am looking at things in a different light, I fear I may be in an EA marriage. He tries to make me feel guilty by saying he doesn't get much time off work, he has looked after Ds all week, he wants to enjoy his last weekend off without having to look after Ds. But I don't get ANY "time off"! If I am not looking after Ds I am at work. I mentioned possibly having another child in the future and he said not until I have lost the weight I gained after having Ds. (less than a stone, might I add) Xmas Sad He puts me down in front of his friends, quite slyly though.

I don't know what to do. I know what people are going to say. But I just feel so sad and alone at the moment. I feel so stupid and naïve. I just want to cry right now.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 03/01/2014 21:19

Yes, huge red flags there op. So sorry.

Is there anyone else to have your ds?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 21:24

It's always a shock to see someone's true colours and I'm sorry you're upset. You're not stupid or naive btw. It's sadly very common for abusive behaviour to coincide with the arrival of the first baby. Thinking back, has he always been selfish and put you down? Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 21:27

No, afraid not. We live 3 hours away from family due to Dh's work and my friends are all people I met in work, who are also working tomorrow.

I could just get up and go to work while Dh sleeps. I know he wouldn't just leave Ds to fend for himself. But he is drinking, and if he is in a state in the morning I am not going to leave Ds here with him.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 03/01/2014 21:28

With regards to tomorrow, is there anyone who can have your son? You shouldn't have to find someone else at all but it will make you feel slightly more in control and not beholder to him. You can just get up in the morn, get yourself and son sorted and walk out.

Personally I wouldn't be staying with somebody that made me feel like looking after our child was down to me. As for the weight comment....vile.

I know you don't want to hear it but seriously, ltb.

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 21:30

cogito, not at first, but more recently he has. He doesn't like me having male friends, for example - but then he says it is normal to be jealous.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 21:34

Jealousy is not normal but I think you already know that this whole situation is unhealthy. He's trying to sabotage your return to the workplace. It's miserable, abusive behaviour designed to crush your spirit and get you under control.

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 03/01/2014 21:41

oh yes a few red flags there. Sounds very selfish op.
I agree with others it sounds like a jealousy thing, does he drink alot or often drink when you are supposed to be working the following day or doing something for 'you'?

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 21:45

He drinks a fair bit on the weekends. He always seems to have me questioning myself - like, is it unfair of me to expect him to take care of Ds on his time off work? I don't think it is. Confused

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2014 21:47

Is this man a parent or a dickhead ?

Make your mind up about that, and you will know what to do

mammadiggingdeep · 03/01/2014 21:47

Do you take care of ds on your time away from work?? Yes. You no doubt will return to work and work it around your ds.

shallowkitty · 03/01/2014 21:51

Could u look up local childminders online just now see if any could chat by email or phone and look after him as ur childcare has fallen through. Or a local private nursery if u know anyone else witha a baby that could recommend.

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 21:54

I have a childminder lined up for when I return to work properly but she isn't available until the end of the month. I could have a look, but it's Saturday and I'm not sure how much childcare is available on the weekends. Confused

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 21:59

The fact that you're even half-questioning whether a father should be happy to look after his own child means you've been living with this behaviour too long.

whitsernam · 03/01/2014 22:05

I am so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Yes, you feel very alone, as you are not getting anything helpful from the person who should be pulling WITH you, not against you! He sounds self-indulgent. We know mums have to put the children ahead of what we want for ourselves (not always, but if we want them to survive, we do have to in some sense) and he's making a very clear statement that he will not do that. The complaint about your weight is so far off-base I am furious on your behalf. But I used to have a friend whose husband said something like that, and she waited until he was wanting sex, then reminded him what he'd said, and made him sleep on the sofa. I thought the world of her!

YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE · 03/01/2014 22:07

the question is do you want to be having this worry every time you work
I know men need their own time but there comes a point when their 'own' time should not be questioned with looking after their child.
you should not have to be looking for childcare
I think if you are questioning yourself you are probably not in the right relationship.

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 22:12

Thank you everyone. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do next would be. Wish I could have a cuddle with Ds but he is sleeping!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 22:18

The best thing to do next would be to take a firm approach in first instance. You're going to work so he has to sober up fast, sort himself out, straighten his face and look after DS properly while you're gone. Not negotiable. If he chooses to argue the toss or be uncooperative then you show him the door and tell him not to come back. Work will have to wait another day.

When you've got a bully on your hands the only way to deal with them is through strength. Give in to them and all you get is a bigger bully.

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 03/01/2014 22:34

OK, thank you. I will do that! Going to head off now and get some sleep, we will see what happens in the morning. Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2014 22:39

Good luck...

Original poster
elephantintheroom1 · 04/01/2014 06:47

I got up and started getting ready for work. Put an awake Ds in the bed next to Dh. Ds starts crying and Dh wakes up in a temper. "I told you yesterday, I am not looking after him, you can't just dump him on me and get your own way all the time."

I said fine, I am going to take Ds and get the train to my mum's for a few days. He said do what you want with him.

If we are getting in the way of his precious "me" time then we may as well not be in the house at all.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am not sure what is going to happen next, but I want to see my mum and talk to her and I sure as hell don't want to be around Dh at the moment. I have no idea how it's come to this to be honest.

OP posts:
NakedTigarCub · 04/01/2014 06:58

Dont leave the house.

You need to ask him to leave. Is your name on the mortage?

TobyLerone · 04/01/2014 06:59

He sounds like an utter cunt. LTB.

Your DS won't notice/remember how little his dad cares about him now, but if you stay with this 'man', in a few years he will.

NakedTigarCub · 04/01/2014 07:00

You need to make an appointment with a lawyer to know where you stand legally.

Do you have a joint bank account? Do you have access to your own money?

TobyLerone · 04/01/2014 07:00

And yes. I'd tell him to leave.

Santabroughtmethis · 04/01/2014 07:01

What a selfish prick.

Sorry OP.