I'm really interested to know what people think about this...

[roz1982]

Good evening.

Exh called me the day before New Year's Eve to tell me he was with someone else, a lady with a daughter, our son (2) has been introduced and 'gets in very well with her daughter'

He didn't tell me anything about it until that phone call.

We have been separated since this time last year and divorced since summer. I was behind the split so I'm not heartbroken he's with someone else or anything like that, but I just really feel very strongly that he should have told me before he even considered introducing our son to a new partner and her child. I feel he was disrespectful and wrong to do this and I would never do that to him.
How would others feel if this happened to them? Or has it happened to you and do you think it was wrong?

Thanks

Yep, happened to me. Ex just came home and the DDs said "we met X today" . Cue fairly curt conversation staring with "I asked you to wait and you've deliberately gone against my wishes" blah blah blah. He couldn't give a shit. He just does what he likes.

My exp told me beforehand, but didn't really give a shit what I thought. They had only known each other about a month, but it became too inconvenient for them to get babysitters so they could meet up. They both got their priorities right: sex before children's welfare

Hmmm. I understand your feelings but I think this is something you can't control.

If you had no agreement beforehand then he's not been disrespectful

Thanks for replies.

Callindana - yeah I know I can't control it as it's already happened, I think I was just surprised that he did this and a bit disappointed. Like I said I just wouldn't have done this!! I just don't see why he could have told me first, we are in touch quite a lot via text and phone, it's been amicable blah blah blah.

But yeah I suppose he's just going to do what he wants isn't he. I wasn't even that mad...just a bit hurt by this lack of respect.

Probably thoughtless but not the worst thing he could do. I'd pick battles and save your ire for when he's really cocked things up.

If he'd phoned you first what would you have said?

He should have talked this through with you beforehand, that's what an adult would have done anyway...

Joules68 - I don't think you necessarily have to have an agreement in place about something like that...if you co parent a child, changes in circumstances and lives are both parents concerns. I think it's important for both parents to know if significant other people are going to be in thier child's life.

He would have said "I'm with somebody else, it's gotten serious and I would like to introduce her and her daughter to our son."

Then we could have discussed it like adults and I would have known about it and been much happier.

Simple

Yes but where's the fun in being adult and grown up and discussing it beforehand . When you can do what you like and then , when you get into a row over it, you can say "yeah my ex is a bitch". Yawn

Exh (separated not divorced) did the same but initially told dd that gf was just a work colleague so dd didn't say anything to me.. However a few days later he sent me a text meant for gf so let the cat out of the bag!!

This didn't bother me in the slightest, am a bit peeved that I didn't meet her for over a year & she was as cold as ice to me!! Really don't understand why as I'm no threat to her... She's welcome to him!!

Haha indeed.

There won't be any row over it though. I told him I thought he should have told me first in a text and there was (predictably) no response. So that's that. I was just interested in people's opinions.

Hmm, I wonder how he'd feel if this was the other way round?

I told XH when I started dating, just as a courtesy, a few months after we separated.

DP and I had been out a few times on our kid free nights, but then one evening I was let down by my babysitter so he suggested we go and watch a kids film with my DCs instead of having a night out by ourselves.

It was spontaneous so I didn't think to consult XH. I told him afterwards and he was fine about it.

I don't think everyone thinks so deeply about introducing new people to the DCs. My three have had friends of mine come and go, male and female over the years. People move house or fall out or lose touch for whatever reason. Meeting someone new who may or may not have a lasting place in their lives isn't a huge deal to many kids.

I don't understand why some parents make a big thing out of it. I can understand the feeling of betrayal if the ex's new partner was involved before separating, but if it's someone they've met since being divorced, it really shouldn't be a big issue.

I would only be bothered if the dc were bothered in any way.

If they were fine and the new partner was respectful to them....it's fine. I'd rather not know the details of my ex's love life. It brings up vomit.

I surprised myself by being on the other side of this recently.
I would always have said, tell the ex first - and no introductions anyway, until it's "serious".

Well... First up I introduced them really quickly. He has a son the same age who lives with him, so we thought it would be nice to do stuff with the kids - and also it was practical. It would have been really hard to find time to see each other, and we didn't want to leave our kids with babysitters. We made a judgement call about our kids personalities and understanding. My 4yo met my bf about 4x before I told her he was my bf. I broached it saying "I really like him - I think I might ask him on a date". She said "cool - mummy, he might be your one true love!" (blame Disney!) It's a particular set of circumstances and children, and I think we made the right decision. I'm confident that she would cope fine if it ended, I haven't got him acting like a daddy all the time (he's just the same as other friends we hang out with), I'm as serious as you can be about someone early on, and I don't intend to introduce her to a new man every 3 months for the next 10 years! If this doesn't work out, the next man, even with exactly the same situation, would be kept away - just to manage turnover!
As I said though, if asked at point of split, I'd have said it was too soon!

And if my ex introduced someone this quickly... you know what? I'd be unhappy, and I'd judge him. Because I trust my judgement, I don't trust his.

But something I have learned since the split... Behaving well to him doesn't make him behave well to me. If the only reason not to tell her was so he'd stick to the same rule - then no point in bothering, as I wouldn't trust him to stick to it.

So that's telling her.

Telling him first... yeah, I'd have always said I should. He's a lying, cheating stealing arsehole though, so I just found I didn't feel inclined. I nearly did - but changed my mind. It felt like by telling him, it was validating that he had a right to know, even a right to an opinion. Which he doesn't. Like I say - I trust my judgement.

I was in two minds, cos what I really wanted to avoid was her saying something and then being questioned and feeling she'd said something wrong. But, he's pretty uncurious so I decided to just leave it.

I'd just had enough of having any contact with the cheating wanker. In theory, despite his cheating, I wanted to be amicable. I was amicable. Then he decided to steal money from me and I just decided enough was enough - minimal contact. So - chit chat about my life - NO.

As long as my daughter is not affected by me not telling him - then it's none of his business, and I don't want the contact.

Not an opinion I'd have expected to express.
But I thought I'd give my story, for exactly that reason!