AIBU - to put this much stock in sexual compatibility

[onourbacks]

Not posting in AIBU because it's a bear pit, and the advice here is much better

I'm dating two men (and I've promised neither exclusivity before you jump on me). One is amazing in bed and I would happily call it the best sex of my life. But outside of the bedroom it's a little...flat. We have things in common, laugh, get on and he's a lovely bloke but I can't see myself ever being in love with him. Physically he is very much my type and there's a strong attraction there.

The second man I can completely see myself being in love with. I could talk to him for hours. But the sex is a little crap. Not terrible, I have orgasmed about half the time, but it's just not as good and err, not everything is fixable . I am attracted to him but he's definitely not my normal type physically.

Am I just being totally shallow and passing up what could be something good, or is it fine to see sexual compatibility as a deal breaker?

Wait for option C, a man who can tick both boxes?

In the meantime have fun with the fabulous in bed one .

Ticks both boxes? Does such a thing exists?!

In my varied experience, yes!

Introduce them to each other, ask them to educate each other in their specialities, give them a month for this.

Then reassess each candidate and calibrate the progress.

And let us know, obv :)

hahahaha @ beachside

Hehe, now there's an idea Beachside.

Hmmmm I would say number 2 sounds more of a keeper. Is it definitely NOT fixable? Surgery?

Surgery?! Bloody hell, no way. I'm not even sure what that would fix?

It would be partially fixable, by learning better what we both like. But then I'd always be aware that it wasn't the amazing sex with number 1. But then I'm not planning to be with him forever.

Neither is suitable long term.

And no way are you being unreasonable to put so much stock in sexual compatibility AND the mental connection.

What's the rush though? If you're not after an exclusive relationship, can't you have both for a while until one or more of you bales and decides they want something different?

Or was this not so much a friend with benefits thing and more an auditioning process which both have failed?

Ton I think all of us would say we're looking for an exclusive, serious relationship ultimately. But I've been willing to forego that for some fun, and I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to write no 2 off as a "failure" when everything else is promising.

Sorry I thought you might have meant the thing that wasn't fixable was something that could have been errrrm surgically enhanced! I was joking. Sorry, I'll shut up now!

In all honesty though, I think it is really important and if it can't be fixed you shouldn't settle. Because in the end it will get you down

The strong physical attraction with the first one will fade with time if there is nothing more substantial to sustain it.

The second one is a better bet but it depends on the extent of the sexual incompatibility.

I naively thought that when I married X the sex would get better over time but in fact the sex just got steadily worse. Don't settle.

I'm not sure how deep the sexual incompatibility goes. We've not been dating long at all (hence the multi-dating) so I think we could learn each other's quirks, but the anatomical issues will always be there .

I think part of me was hoping that people would tell me to grow up and learn to adapt.

Find another bloke

What are the issues?

You aren't being shallow. I would not commit to someone with whom I did not have good chemistry or satisfying sex.

No not everyone is looking for an exclusive relationship. What matters is whether you are.

So if you're auditioning then, No. 1 will wear thin if there's nothing much deeper than his sexual prowess and No. 2's not going to get any better and as you say can't change some aspects of himself that don't work for you.

I think you're being overly polite. No. 1 sounds as thick as mince with hidden shallows and No. 2 sounds like he's got a dick that doesn't do anything for you, but it might for someone else who's built differently or who isn't overly exercised by penis in vagina sex.

So neither is for you and if you're looking for a serious relationship, aim high for a bloke with a brain and who's built differently.

Tiny dick syndrome...there is only so much someone with a small dick can learn.
Obviously better sex comes with getting to know each other, but if it is bad now that probably means it will only evey get ok.
Don't know about you but I don't bother with sex that isn't mind blowing. What is the point.

I would agree with bunny, i have to have both of my boxes ticked. Selfish, maybe but thats me

Well most posters have worked out the root the of the problem. Damn, damn, damn.