advice please

[teaandtoastplease]

I started a thread in chat but was advised to post here. I will link to my previous thread. would be grateful of any advice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1955605-advice-needed-please

Synopsis... he's been cheating sending intimate photos to other women, has form for porn etc in the past, says he wants to fix things but isn't acting that way and you've now asked him to step out even though you're not sure whether you want to end the relationship or not?

thanks cogito I couldn't face writing it all out again. I've not asked him to leave yet as he came home from work ill and went straight to bed. but yes to everything else

Just read your original thread. Bloody hell, he has been busy.
You're definitely not overreacting and if I was in your position, I couldn't forgive this.
Firstly, do you think you have all the information? Is there a chance he had met with any of the several hundred women he made contact with?
Is he sorry? Had he explained this properly? 'Bored and drunk' is not an explanation for this betrayal.
How are you feeling about it all at the moment and about him?
It's not your fault- no matter what problems you have had, he did this, NOT you.
You are right to ask him to leave and in your position, I would be letting him back in. So sorry you're going through this. What a bastard.

*wouldn't. WOULDN'T be letting him back in.

My view is that your husband has no intention of changing his behaviour. He also seems to think you're not allowed to be angry or upset. That's not a remorseful man, that's a nasty piece of work. This has been going on for four years at least, through pregnancies, weddings, etc and that makes it an ingrained habit. So your choices are roughly a) more of the same and more nasty surprises in a few months time or b) to cut your losses. Stick to your plan to ask him to take time out and then take the opportunity to get some legal and other advice of what life solo would actually look like in practice. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Good luck

guy He does seem genuinely sorry, but I've been proven not to be the best judge of his character. I don't think he's met any of them but can't be 100% sure. All he says is 'I don't know' to any question I ask. I love him but I wish I didn't. I don't want to be in a relationship without trust, but I can't imagine him not being my husband any more. I am sad, incredibly sad . I don;t know what I'd tell the kids. They were incredibly unsettled before christmas while he was at his parents. I just kept saying he was working lots. They are 3 (4 next week) and 2

I agree time out is needed and I need to seek advice as you say cogito the house is in his name so I imagine it will be me and the kids that leave but I need to find out facts for sure

You're married and that gives you certain rights including over 'marital assets'. When you say the house is in his name do you mean owned/mortgaged or rented? If owned, did he own it before you married?

it's mortgaged. he bought it before we were married but I wasn't involved with the finance because I have a bad credit rating

" I don;t know what I'd tell the kids."

At 3 and 2 they will take what you tell them entirely on face value. e.g. You love them, they are the most important thing and that Dad will be seeing them at the weekends. Wonder what he'll tell them? 'I gave the pair of you up for the sake of a wank'.... bet they'll be proud....

Shit, I'm sorry OP. I agree with cog. Take some time to think through the emotional aspects, but make sure you research the practical elements as well. Whatever you plan to do, he needs to leave for a bit out of respect for you and so he really understand the magnitude of what he's done. And so you have space to think.
It can't be out of character if it has happened over a long period. Someone acts out of character for one brief event, not several years of their life. I'm so sorry but you just didn't know who he was. Is he sorry for who he has been over this period or sorry he got caught?
I'm still worried there is more to find out, as is so often the case with situations like this.

you're right. I need to bite the bullet don't I.

Even though it's in his name and was acquired before the marriage, as a wife and mother you will find you have a legitimate claim to a significant proportion of its value, even though you've not been married long. So don't move out... it's your asset as much as his. Many family law solicitors offer a free initial consultation and they'll run you through all this kind of information. He's also responsible for the DCs for a long, long time of course. Shared parenting and financial support. He'll find his nasty habits will prove very expensive.

I'm worried about that too guy it would kill me if anything else came out.

thank you cogito I will ring a solicitor on monday.

I think your idea to ask him to go to his parents is the best. You really need to have some time on your own to think about what you want. From what you've said he has no intention of changing and if you want to stay married I think you will have to accept he will always cheat and if you put up with it he will have affairs and treat you with this contempt.

I've just been upstairs and he is awake watching tv and on his phone. It made me feel sick. I've told him I think I need him to stay at his parents for a while and he said he will (but he threw his phone down and turned over effectively ending the conversation.) I am sat here crying and he can't even come down to talk to me.

Hello again tea. I think you have done the right thing posting on this board. Please take some time to work out how you want to proceed, you are in shock and can't make any rational decisions right now. Do get hold of a solicitor first thing Monday and find out what your rights are.
I do agree with the other posters on here, this is not something he did in a moment of madness. He messaged a massive amount of women and exchanged intimate photos. It is all so sleazy and yet all too common if you look at the number of similar threads on this board. Look after yourself and your children. Maybe you love the husband you thought you had rather than the man he has turned out to actually be. If so, then your anger should help get you through this awful time. Stay strong.

Big hugs. You will get through this.

thank you ohgove if it hadn't been christmas it just would have been over. we both said at the start of our relationship if either of us cheated it would be over but now he wants another chance

thanks guy

He doesn't care does he? Sorry you're having to deal with this. Sleeves rolled up in the morning and get him out properly. Do you have any family or friends to support you?

yes I do thank you.

you've all been a good support tonight and helped me put things in perspective so thank you all