Feeling flat and damaging relationship.

[BabCNesbitt]

DH said yesterday that it was nice seeing me chatty and excited for a while on Hogmanay (when I was drunk ) because otherwise I seem flat at the moment, and it's making him really sad. He knows I'm finding things really hard right now (moved in August to small town in new country, still desperately homesick, bored as SAHM but jobs don't pay enough to cover child care here). But he'd still like me to make an effort.

But nothing seems worth the effort right now. I try and think of something I might enjoy and it all just seems blah. I know this is probably mild depression but I don't want to take ADs (too expensive here!). So what else can I do, given that all I can just about manage right now is drink tea and eat Oreos?

You need some friends. It's so much easier for him if he's going out to work and so much harder for you if you're not.

How young are your children? What would you be doing with them if you were back in the UK? Are there any toddler groups? Is there a local library? Could you ask whether there's anything on for young mums? At the same time ask about book groups, if that would interest you.

Could you do something at the same time each day or week, eg swimming or going to the park, in the hope you'll see the same people there?

Are you in the US? If Oreos are a problem (btw they are vile!) go to a gym or to weight watchers over there. Someone I knew went to an American WW and you get cheered for losing 1/4 lb!

Not sure why the OP needs to go to a gym or weight watchers unless you thought she said she was feeling fat, not flat, Imperial?

Noooo, it was because she kept eating the Oreos!

You don't have to be overweight to go to a gym; plenty of people make really good friends there and she could go in the evening when her husband takes care of the children. Weight Watchers was a bit of a jokey answer, but I know people who've made good friends there.

I do need to lose a couple of pounds, but I might skip WW for now

If we were back in London, I'd be taking DD out to visit other friends with kids (she's 2), to the children's centre playgroups, or just up for a walk around town (she loved Tate Modern and Big Ben ). There are mommy and baby groups around here, organized through Meetup.com, and I have wound up in a book group too, but all of that just feels like chores - my brain is too fogged and bleh to make me be worthwhile company to anyone at the moment.

You do sound depressed and no wonder; it's been a massive upheaval for you.

If you don't want to go down the AD route then could you try something that will help lift your mood like running? Could you join a running group? What about yoga?

I used to go swimming every day and found that a really great way of coping - could you do that?

Swimming definitely not for me - I'd have to tidy up the pubic rug

I keep meaning to start running, but then I remember all the times I've tried to take it up, gone out a couple of times, and then quit, and I think "What's the point? I'm only going to reinforce my uselessness."

I really feel for you. I have had that feeling moving around the globe with exh, it's not easy. Everyone has work, school and you find that you have nothing. But, what the exercise will do is get you OUT and pump happy hormones through your body and give you a sense of routine. My mantra used to be fake it til you make it - it's so true. Before you know it, you might be looking forward to something...... If you hate exercise I have another idea, one that changed my life and that is volunteering. Find a subject that is close to your heart, or even just something that mildly interests you and apply. Most towns in whatever city, whatever country will have online portals so you can find something. Childcare for just 2 or 3 hours a week could be priceless for you at this stage. Initially it may just be anything to get you out of the house. Anything, so that when dh comes back from work, YOU have a story to tell, something to say, something funny or sad that happened.....? Worth a try?

OP, you can't use the fact you'd have to get the Immac out stop you going swimming!

A running club would be different from you going out on your own, though, wouldn't it?

IB, in truth, I just hate swimming! And the idea of running in a group really horrifies me - it always seemed that the one good thing about running was that you wouldn't be obliged to talk to other people.

shey, I agree that volunteering would be good, but I've looked for local opportunities and they all want people who can give more time or have more skills than I do. Pre-DD, I just typed and filed, I don't have any knowledge of marketing or event organising or other things like that that they want.

I know it seems like I'm just making excuses. I probably am, because it all just seems useless. If I could, I'd just stay in bed as much as possible, but I know that's not fair on DD or DH. But I feel so angry at being here (which isn't DH's fault - he could hardly turn down a good job) and I hate the ugliness of the town - ugh, I don't even want to open the blinds during the day.

Sorry, this is just more venting

could you try an exercise or walking group? It might take the bleh feeling away just getting some fresh air even if you do it with your children to start with find a nice country park or somewhere you might even see other people with children if you go on a weekly basis it would be a way to get chit chatting with people.

YouCanBe, I don't think I have the oomph to make small talk with people at the moment.

Has anyone managed to get past this stage, of just having no motivation at all? shey, how long did you have to fake it until you "made it"? Maybe I should be getting this thread moved to Mental Health. I just worry that being down and not doing anything about it counts as a form of emotional abuse of my DH.

I know exactly how you feel, OP, I'm not much of a joiner either, and I'm currently living overseas as well. All your interactions and friendships seem to be on such a superficial level, you have to work so hard at it, I wish I could just meet someone who gets me; as a matter of fact, 'make new friends' is my New Years resolution!

I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant, so not doing much about it at the minute, but I've already earmarked a couple of things for when I'm ready. One is an amateur dramatics club, just helping out backstage or something, I figure I'll meet a variety of people there, not just other mums. Another is a badminton club. I am a member of the gym here, but I find you don't really meet that many people, everyone's there just doing their own thing, so a sports club I think might be better. Good luck!

You're down, you're in a funk, it's hard to pull yourself out of it, especially with the sheer sameness and boredom of the day to day. Being down, not very chatty or upbeat is not emotionally abusing your DP. Supporting your partner through times like this is what its all about. It is really, really hard to be somewhere where you don't know anyone, and you're looking after small children with very little support. I get down all the time. You're not alone.

I second the idea of a running club as it probably saved my life at one point.
Most running clubs have a beginners group where you only need to be able to run continuously (and very slowly) for about 45 mins. There is often a good social scene eg Drinks afterwards/awards nights/helping out marshalling races
The exercise itself will give you a pick me up, help you to tone up and improve self esteem and I have made some lovely friends doing it!

Other things that helped me were cutting out alcohol (except for special occasions) and keeping a diary of thoughts/goals/aims.
I've just moved house and am currently 33 weeks preggo, but have already earmarked some mother and baby groups, a running club and a camera club to try out and see which I like best.
You sound motivated to get through it so I'm sure you will. Good luck!

Well, I've had a few situations like this over the years. In the worst case, it probably took 6 months to feel human and valued and like I had something worthwhile to do. You supporting your dp is what you are doing, down or sad or whatever, you're being a good wife and team player just by being there. You've gotta give yourself credit for that in the first instance! In my fastest turnaround probably a month and that was because I felt so low, I could not stare at the walls anymore and it was either cry or get a hold of myself. I made myself walk everywhere, smile at everyone, talk to anyone, even though it was exhausting and I found a volunteer job for two hours a week that gave me a routine one day and that kind of led me to learning something new (as I'm also unemployable due to having given up a career for my kids long ago!). Which led to me little by little gaining my confidence again feeling like I had something to give to someone other than dp and dc. I didn't have forums and internet chat when I was going through that, I wish I had it would have helped so much because I was so lonely.

I think just by venting on here at the moment, maybe you're not ready for all that proactive stuff yet, but talking is good and helps a little. But we're all here for you and I really do get where you're coming from. A problem shared and all....... :)

Sorry for not replying sooner - I've been at my in-laws' place, so haven't had much time to sit down and reply properly. Thanks, though, for letting me vent and for the reassurances - it sounds pathetic, but to hear people who don't know me still telling me that I'm not being abusive by feeling crappy is making me feel at least better about that!

I've decided that when I get back, I'm going to sign up for a 5k in March and try and do the Couch to 5k programme (with UK podcasts playing so I can partly pretend I'm back at home ). I can't guarantee that I'll sign up for any running clubs but I'm hoping that the exercise will make a wee bit of difference. Will see...