Has anyone ever left because of IL's?

[GertyD]

There seem to be a lot of posts about really terrible in laws on here (I am one of these posters). There is a lot of advice that says if DP/DH can't stand up for you, or doesn't resolve it then tell him to fuck off or leave him.
Has anyone left a really great guy, for the sole reason of his allowing (by not stopping) his parents treatment of you? What happened? Did you regret it?

why do you ask? is this for some journalistic research or your own situation?

Lazy research.

I think you'll find there is usually more to it than just crazy in-laws when someone decides to end a marriage over it. The cowardly DH will be the tip of the ice-berg and there will be other unresolved problems besides.

If it is research then Op please note that MN has copyright on all posts.

No but I spend most days thinking about it. For emit would be the lack of back bone, respect, loyalty and for the treatment of our son that made me go.
But it's tricky as it's a massive bomb to put in your child's mental health.

Because there are days when I feel like leaving for this sole reason, and struggle to believe that. It is not research, I really just want to know.

well you need to give us more details.

leaving your DH because of his parents ( who will we assume die before he does) is rather extreme.

It is a huge story, but as Damnautocorrect says, it is not so much what his parents do, it is his inability to resolve

not terribly helpful but there was a post not that long ago from a woman who, with much regret, was leaving her DH becuase the inlaws were highly toxic and he was totally unwilling to choose her over them. Life was intolerable for her because they were so damn nasty and interfering and iirc she was worried for her son. Annoyingly I can't find it though.

Seem to be quite a few posts from people who are fighting to free their DPs from engulfing parents / in laws though, quite often successfully to some degree.

Without getting into all the stories of abuse, lies and bullying, and shocking treatment - it is not really the IL's behaviour I am getting at. It is DP's handling, or rather, not handling of it. When MIL has been awful he has just let it happen because he is, essentially, frightened of her. When she says thing that aren't true, he doesn't stop her or intervene. So it goes on. If my parents or family acted like that, I would go bonkers at them in his defence. But he just sits there. That in turn causes me to resent him. When anyone else is gives him cause to say something, he does, but his parents and sister can do as they like without comeback. I lose respect for him as a result.
But in every other area of our lives he is pretty fantastic. I love him so much, which is why this is heart breaking, because I don't ever want to see his parents again - including banning them from our wedding, and he is not willing to do this.
TBH, I think the only reason I want to ban them from our lives is because I can't watch him turn into the silent and frightened guy that he does around them.

I fantasised about it a lot... Eventually we went for marriage counselling over the issue of his mother, and ended up moving away from her, which has improved our marriage considerably.

Incompatibility takes many forms. We've all met the 'great guy but...' He's a great guy but..... he doesn't share any of my interests/ he has no friends and I like parties/ his ex-wife runs his life/ he won't stand up to his parents.

Yes it's heart-breaking but if you're incompatible now and you don't respect him. a wedding is really the worst thing you can do. Walk away rather than hoping he's going to change.

sounds like freeing him from them would be a years-long project, gerty, and it's never guarenteed a success.

Moving well away sounds a good start. If you can do that, you're in a much stronger position because you can control how / when they come to visit or you visit them and can work on freeing him from their unhealthy influence slowly. Is he willing to do that? If not, then it might be looking bad.

One thing to consider is how they would be with grandchildren. If their grip is too strong, then your DH won't be able to stop them seeing the kids and they could be very destructive.

Whether their grip is breakable or not, can see how the wedding day would be a big problem, he's going to want them there, you won't. Maybe arrange a new house far away and endure them at the wedding, then know you'll be free(er) after ?

You are already losing respect for him.
Your love for him will die soon after the respect has gone.
If you aren't married and don't have kids then I don't think you should continue with this.
It will bring years and years of heartache and arguments and fall outs.
Can you imagine (if you don't have them already) what they will be like when kids come along! It usually gets much much worse.
Just not worth it IMHO.

We have a DS who is nearly 2, I am keen to protect him from the drama of it.

I fail to see how a dp can be a "really great guy" if he is letting his parents treat his family so badly

if you have a kid together already and marry your DP, the in law problems are only going to get worse :s

If you walked away now, DS would be none the wiser. Go through with a marriage and you risk the following.

a. Nothing changes, your resentment builds and you end up with a messy divorce in 10 years
b. You convince DH to move away from his family and he resents you for doing so.

Something like 95% of posters complaining about their MILs do not have a MIL problem - it's a DP/DH issue.

He has the power to say no and put a stop to whatever it is, but is choosing not to do so.