Gossip Mongering .... long... sorry

[crystaltips]

HISTORY .....
A while ago I decided to "cut off" a friend of mine as she was causing too much agro between myself and other mutual friends - and basically she was too high maintenance.
The friend ship was a one way street and she was too depressive and negative for me and however much I tried to help he - I just couldn't do enough.
She had an affair which resulted in her having a termination ( though she told every one she miscarried her DH's baby )

PRESENT DAY ....
I have now found out that this girl is telling ( again ) mutual friends that I am spreading rumours about her affair. In truth I ( and another friend ) are the only 2 people who know about it - and neither of us have breathed a word of it to each other - let alone anyone else ...

QUESTION ....
How do I stop this girl spreading things about me that aren't true? She is raising every one elses suspicions - with out any help from me ... but I can't cope with folk thinking that I am sh!t stirring.

Help please

Crystaltips - I remember this when you posted about it. She sounds like a right sad case. I would be livid too!!!

How do you feel about confronting her face to face??

Oooooh - just let me at her !!!

Only trouble is she is wildly unstable at the moment - going to counselling and under quite a bit of medication.

One of the main reasons I now dont talk to her is that whatever I say is totally misquoted - and I have learnt that if I say nothing at all it cannot be misquoted.

I'd LOVE to give her a real battering ( verbally of course ) but I am worried that I might get my fingers burnt again ??

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Could you have a word with her DH (iirc he knows the truth) and ask him to try to stop her as it will probably only arouse suspicions about herself in the long term, especially if she is inconsistent in the stories she spreads. Otherwise I think Beetroot is right in saying to dismiss it and change the subject.

Could you put something in writing to her? Along the lines of how you have never betrayed a confidence and are sorry to hear that she thinks you would etc etc. She can't misquote the written word without being proved wrong by your copy.

Horrible situation - hope you can find a way of resolving it.

I think I might have to write a letter.
Easier said than done

What she is doing is slander. Perhaps if it gets too bad, a solicitor could write a letter to her warning her off? Maybe too strong, but it is obviously upsetting you.

agree with Kayleigh, crystaltips. Its a horrid situation to be in - I should have a couple of stock replies for when anyone mentions her, that are a firm denial that you have been gossiping about her, and ends the conversation pronto. That way you will come across quite dignified and show that you haven't been talking about her
From what you say, no one will take her word over yours anyway

The more that you protest to people - the more you play into her hands. It will look like you have been 'found out' and are trying to get out of it. In the scheme of things this will blow over. If you start having a go at her, or responding you will give her more amo to be all dramatic and go on about.

She sounds like a bit of a nutter - if I were you stay well away and dont get dragged into any of it. Anybody who knows you will know that her rantings arent true. If anybody asks you set them straight. In truth she is making herself look bad going around talking about you spreading rumors about her AFFAIR!! Isnt she spreading rumors about herself! She sounds very self important.

Anyway I am waffling now - just ignore the silly cow and she will be going on about someone else next week.

I think I would try and ignore it (I am a wuss though ) If her name came up in conversation with mutual friends/acquaintances I think I would say something like "oh, I know...poor X...she's in a mess at the moment, I don't think she's coping too well, she's been saying a lot of strange things about people."

I had a friend once who was a bit unhinged, and gradually fell out with everyone she knew, including me. I know she said some very bitchy things about me but I just let it ride and over time, when she had finally fallen out with just about everyone, people realised what sort of a person she really was. I'm sure that will happen in your case too. I feel quite sorry for her - she'll end up with no-one at this rate.

Honey put something in writing along the lines of I will be contacting my solicitor if I hear any more slanderous (is it slander or letigeous or that other word - solicitors, lawyers, clever people could help here!!) shite from you young lady - people always get scared when they think you have your very own soliciotr - I do - so be scared everyone!!

She sounds a bit barmy though - I rememeber you writing about her before - thought it was all behind you now - does anyone actually believe her??

Thanks every one ....

I have now got to the point where I really don't care if this person's reputation ends up in tatters. I was defending her to the hilt - just to try and spare her DH and little girl from any more upset.

But I am now in for self preservation.

Marthamoo - I think your suggestion is a good one ... "oh, I know...poor X...she's in a mess at the moment, I don't think she's coping too well, she's been saying a lot of strange things about people." becuase - it sums her up in a nutshell.

Thanks you lot.

I'd go with Chincilla's idea of the solicitor.

A few years ago some family members decided to spread a dreadful lie about me - completely unfounded and untrue. I was floored and if I had a mind to would have commited suicide (it was that bad!)

My dad phoned one of my uncles and said if the rumours were not retracted then he would be going to a lawyer and getting this sorted pronto. The lies stopped (thankfully no one who knew me believed them and I soon found out who my friends were.) I no longer speak to that part of my family but would have loved to have seen the panic that threat put them in!

I remember you posting on this months ago crystaltips, so it must be really hard on you that the bad mouthing has continued for all that time.

On the last thread I think I advised you to ignore it, not fan the flames, so everyone would lose interest in the end. But now I am not so sure. Also, have you any idea how your other friends feel about this woman? after all this time, are you still the only one who thinks she is unhinged?

I think marthamoo's advice is good - if your ex friend's name crops up, just say she is going through a bad time and saying some strange things.

You might also consider saying to your friends that you are in a no win situation. You know this person is saying some mean things behind your back, but you don't want to respond as it makes the situation worse, and she is a bit unstable at the moment anyway. But by not responding, you can't reveal your side of the story and have been suffering this slander for months. If you lay it on the line like that, will your other friends be sympathetic? I hope so.

I think I'd go with a simple shrug whenever the subject came up and "I really don't know what she means". By saying that she's in a mess/not coping/saying strange things you could be seen to be spreading gossip.