Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

He wants a divorce!

25 replies

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 20:40

So randomly today he has text me saying he wants to make the break and look into divorce, he's suggested we 'work together' which basically means he wants me to do all the paperwork and pay half the fees not a fucking chance sunshine.
I'm guessing OW is pregnant or he's proposed. I told him that its a fairly meaningless formality as far as I'm concerned, which I'm not bothered enough about to pay for so if he wants it he can do the work, and I would be interested to know what grounds - so he said adultery (which means I now have a written admission from him that he did sleep with her).
So, he's talking about doing it without solicitors as we have no assets etc. The contact with the DC is not formalised, neither is the maintenance, so I'm not happy about using some DivorcesRus type of website really, if he files via something like that can I ignore it? Am I being daft to want to do this properly?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/01/2014 20:46

He doesnt want to go through solicitors because he knows something you dont. Could be his income, her income (if they live together it would affect any settlement as his outgoings would be less), a pension etc.

First things first, call the CSA. Once he realises that you are going down the official line the whole way, he will probably rethink.

Get a free half an hour with a solicitor (in fact if you can, get several, that will queer his pitch when he tries to get one as they wont see him due to conflict of interests) and they will be best able to guide you.

Finola1step · 02/01/2014 20:51

Very good advice from Bogeyface. Yep, he's planning something. A divorce without the solicitors. My money is on his circumstances having changed financially.

I know this will sound v bad but.. Is it possible that he may well be due to inherit in the not too distant future? Has a very unwell parent who might not have long? Just a thought.

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 20:53

Thank you, yes I think you are spot on, this is so random and out of the blue and he's clearly in a rush to get me to agree - he's just said if he admits adultery will I agree to remain civil? He's definitely up to something, I've just said I would be taking legal advice before I agree to anything. I think I will speak my Union Rep at work and access some advice through them.

OP posts:

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 20:55

I know his parents well and don't think theres anything like that happening, it's just this practically begging me to remain 'civil' is a bit suspicious. I will wait until I've had some legal advice I guess, and just ignore any further communication from him about it.

OP posts:

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 02/01/2014 21:09

Well he has no grounds to divorce you by the sounds of it. He can't remarry until he is divorced, so unless he's prepared to wait to proceed on the basis of 2 years separation, it looks to me like you hold the cards :)

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 21:13

Excellent :) I really don't mean to be a bitch but to be honest if me dragging my heels makes the star cross'd lovers lives just a teeny bit difficult then it's all good. Minimum effort and no expense from me, and whatever fast one he's trying to pull will not work.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/01/2014 21:21

If he tries to divorce you under unreasonable behaviour then you dont need a solicitor to object to his grounds. It is usually the petitioner that needs the legal advice, its nice and simple for the respondent.

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/01/2014 21:32

If he's the one who committed adultery, he can't file for divorce under his own adultery.

If it is unreasonable behaviour, my understanding is it's 2 years separation but if you then decide to challenge that, he might have to wait 5 years.

The CAB has loads of really good information on their website for all scenarios.

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 22:20

Thank you all, I'm feeling much more in control now, which is a rare feeling these days. So really, I don't have to do anything, do I? Please don't think this is because I want him back or anything, that's not the issue, I just think this is so out of the blue and hurried there must be a reason behind it, and I'm not inclined to be amenable to whatever stupid decision or gesture he's made. He's made my life, and our DC's life, utter hell since September, and now he's desperate for me to agree to a quick and civil divorce? To the extent that he's willing to admit the adultery he has continuously denied from day one? Nope. He can jog on.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/01/2014 22:26

Only thing I will add is that if you wanted to file under adultery, you have a 6 month window to do so, anything longer than that and the court sees it that you were condoning it. That's the advice I've had.

If you don't divorce him within 6 months then you can file under unreasonable behaviour but the 2 year separation (I believe) comes into play then. Maybe your H knows the 6 month rule which is why he wants a divorce under adultery otherwise he knows he'll have to wait at least 2 years. I suspect that is the reason for his sudden request. I repeat though, he cannot file under his own adultery.

My solicitor said that if I file under adultery then I have more of a chance to request my H pays my legal fees, this can be done for UB but it is a little more tricky to do so.

Stay strong, stay in control, good luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/01/2014 22:28

If a man has already shown himself to be untrustworthy (I get the impression you have separated from this man because he had an affair) then the last thing you should do is trust him in the divorce just because he says so. Get independent legal advice and tell him you will not agree to anything until you have had it.

RandomMess · 02/01/2014 22:29

I divorced with minimal legal advice for either my ex or I. Before the courts will grant a divorce you have to finalise a statement for the arrangements for the children (or something like that). A good opportunity to get him to formalise contact arrangements and get them on that form?????

Before he realises that he has no grounds to divorce you!

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 22:30

Ok, so there would be 2 months left if I wanted to divorce him for adultery, which does suggest he knows that but has got the wrong end of the stick, or he wants me to file. He admitted in an earlier text that he's 'struggling to find grounds' to divorce me, so yes he's probably realised that if he wants it done soon then I need to initiate it. Which I have absolutely no intention of doing.

Just out of interest, if he was to come up with some grounds and filed, do I actually have to respond? Can I just ignore it?

OP posts:

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 02/01/2014 22:32

My xh had to pay my legal fees. I divorced him for UB.

Forget him and his wishes. If a quick divorce would please you then go for it. If not, then do it when you are ready. Mine dragged on 3 years as I was waiting for him to pay the legal fees. It was annoying tbh.

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 22:34

Yes I did point out to him that the maintenance and contact arrangements were not formalised, contact is a bit tricky as he works shifts so some weeks he see's them for a couple of hours, other times he has them up to three days. He also is living between his mum's house and OW's, he only comes back to his mum's when he has the DC, that's the only place he has contact. So he hasn't created a stable home for them, which long term isn't ideal. Therefore the access/contact is only really a temporary arrangement I guess?

OP posts:

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 02/01/2014 22:35

If he files against you make sure you go to the first court hearing. He didn't turn up so couldn't dispute paying the costs.

But maybe get legal advice re delaying this?

You could also delay things by a good while saying you are considering his request and msy file against him. Even if you have no intention to. Although try to think of what you want - not just getting to him. He isn't worth it.

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 22:37

Yep, had an affair, I found out, he begged to stay, I chucked him out. He was with her less than 12 hours later. No, I don't trust him! He's gone silent since I told him I wouldn't be agreeing to anything until I have had some legal advice I can just picture him getting all puffed up with righteous indignation.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/01/2014 22:40

Take the higher ground.

Divorce him and make him pay for all the costs. Make sure you are covered financially.

You don't want to be married to him if he doesn't want to be married to you.

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/01/2014 22:44

If he files then it is my understanding that you would have to respond. I think it's the whole 6 month thing that is making him want it to be civil and quick rather than wait 2 years.

Please read this www.adviceguide.org.uk/n6w/index/family_parent/family/ending_a_marriage.htm

I'm sorry I don't know how to do fancy links.

If you're in no hurry then keep it the way it is but do research it.

My H threatened me for 2 months that he was divorcing me for UB to do with how I was grieving for babies we had lost! Now, he is almost begging me not to divorce him as he knows it will cost him and he says there's no hurry.

They are sly when it comes to adultery and they are sly when it comes to divorce, he's not doing this for your benefit but for his. Take your time and do what's right for you.

catsrus · 02/01/2014 22:44

handfulofcottonbuds is totally wrong. If you have grounds for divorce ie adultery or unreasonable behaviour, then the process can be very quick. My ex found an OW and wanted a divorce - I said he had to do the work (and pay the fees) to make it happen. He divorced me on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (lol) 6 months after telling me he wanted a divorce.

I never read the petition, I didn't respond, he and his lawyer had to come up with something that a judge would accept. I did read it two year later and it wasn't anythng upsetting - but I would say let him do the work and make the case. Concentrate on making sure that you get the financial security you need and move on - expend as little emotional energy as you can on them - keep it for your new life :-)

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/01/2014 22:49

catsrus - I have said in my posts that it is my understanding based on my own situation and legal advice I have received. There is a possibility of undefended divorce which can include UB and I think that is a lot quicker than the 2 year wait.

I'm not trying to mislead the OP but simply saying that is what I have experienced and I have had extensive legal advice.

OP, if you research it then you will get the proper advice suitable for you.

Original poster

FuntimeFuschia · 02/01/2014 22:57

handfulofcottonbuds that is APPALLING, because you were grieving for your babies? Dear god. I'm so, so sorry.

catsrus what was your UB then?! I can't imagine what he would have against me. Unless I was being particularly unreasonable when I objected to his suggestion that he remain in the house yet keep seeing the OW...

I wouldn't trust him if he offered to cover all costs as long as I divorced him. I don't want to be married to him, and I would love to take the higher ground but I need to properly sort out the financial and contact agreements, that's become a priority now. I need to protect my children. I really have no intention of wasting any more emotional energy on him than I possibly have to.

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 02/01/2014 23:04

The problem with divorcing on the grounds of UB is that it's what is UB to you. Picking your toe nails in front of the telly could be UB, in which case he could divorce you in those grounds. So him saying he's struggling to find grounds is BS. IMO he's up to something or being lazy and hoping you'll pay half of it.

Go grab half an hour with a solicitor and dig your heels in.

oldfatandtired1 · 02/01/2014 23:21

Agree with bluedog. If he wants to divorce you (even though he's the guilty one) - he can use unreasonable behaviour. Even if you have behaved like Mother Theresa in your marriage! My H walked out for his secretary (and my God she's welcome to him!) - and I have just petitioned on his UB just in case he got in first. As the petitioner you can claim the costs of the divorce and be more 'in the driving seat'.

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/01/2014 23:25

Fuschia - my H dropped that once he got advice from his solicitor.

I'm sorry you're going through this and you sound really strong. I hope you get the advice that you need and don't get blindsided anymore from your ex. I know it can't be easy for him to finally admit it, even though you suspected all along.

Flip