Help me love my baby...

[Hithere123]

Hi im sorry fo rthe depressing post. I feel I cant talk to my family and friends about this as I am such a horrible person. I have 2 wonderful DC I love them dearly, I am currently 23 weeks with #3 and I have no feelings towards him whatsoever. My husband left me its been an ongoing thing I really wanted to make it work but he has been seeing someone else and is not more interested in her. I feel so resentful of my baby as he is going out having fun meeting people and I am stuck at home with no hope of moving on. I am a horrible preson I know. I want to love him. Ive tried goingt o but some things to make me more interested but I just don't want to. Should I put him up for adoption? What would this do to my DD whos 6. I was so looking forward to this baby as we were victims of a terrible crime when my DS was just 6 months old and we had to move into hotels and was just a horrible time. Help me please.

Oh op, I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself. You are going through one of the hardest times in your life. He is a horrible mn to cheat on you and your children. You don't know whay is around the corner. He can't be a happy man deep down .it ill catch up with him, the guilt.

I think look after yourself. It doesn't have to be big nights out. Little things.

Hithere - You sound so sad. Just that; so sad. And you have good instincts: you want to love your baby! That is important; hang on to that. But you do need connections - anyone in real life who can help you, give you breaks, try to understand what you're going through. And you may need your GP to help you make some connections to that help... Where are your friends? Do you work? Family? Can you talk with your mum? Samaritans? Womens Aid?

Unfortunately, you do have to read out or no one knows you need anything. It's tough, really tough, but just pick up the phone and call your best friend or closest family member and keep talking. And keep posting here; you will get good responses, and from people who know more than I do. But I have been "down" and gotten help, and I know it can be done.

Stay strong and pick up the phone, please; for yourself and all your DCs.

I had ante-natal depression with dc2 - hated being pregnant, didn't want her etc etc (she was very much a planned baby). Fortunately this changed the second she was born - literally. It was though someone had turned the lights on again.

You're having a horrendously tough time at the moment and you are not a horrible person.

Talk to your midwife, GP, family, friends. It won't always be like this - hold that thought!

Thanks for the messages. I feel completely useless. Don't really know what to say. But thaks x

Have you spoken to you mw or hv. I felt like you when pg with dd. Though I didn't have the added stresses you've got. It could be not your baby you're not in love with but much the situation you've found yourself in - anyone would find it hard how to feel with all that going on

There are specialists who you can speak honestly to about how you're feeling..........I was treated for antenatal and post natal depression and talking honestly face to face and not being thought of as awful, really helped

Hope you're ok

I'm afraid I have no experience of being in your situation re DH leaving, but I can relate to not having strong feelings for a baby you're pregnant with.

My DS1 is 19 months old and I'm expecting DS2 in February. When I'm pregnant I haven't felt a particularly strong 'love' or 'bond' to either baby - I also didn't really bond with DS1 for many months after he was born for various reasons, but now have a great relationship with him. No idea if I'll feel instantaneous love for DS2 or whether it'll take a while again.

Anyway, I must admit to finding it hard to understand how I could love someone I haven't met - even if they've been squirming away in my uterus for several months! - so I never really worry about this lack of attachment. Maybe I'm just a bit odd though.

I tend to think that the love will come when the time is right, until then, you can be a fabulous, caring mum without feeling strong emotion.

Chat to your MW if you feel you can; sometimes talking about things can help and if your are experiencing depression, help is waiting for you when you speak to him or her.

Oh how completely terrible for you. (((. )))

Now, I'm a former midwife and I absolutely guarantee that you will adore this little baby. How can you begin to do that just now when so many vile things have so recently happened?

On a practical level I want you to promise me that you will get some support. Firstly, your midwife. Ask if there is a specialist midwife, too. Maybe mental health ( totally no stigma attached to this), or sure start. If not just your usual midwife. Tell her what's happened and that you are feeling awful. She should contact your health visitor, if not do this yourself. She will know what's available locally. They're may well be a family support worker attached to your local SureStart Centre (or Children's Centre). They can offer regular visits and support.

Also, please, please talk to your GP. You do sound clinically depressed and there are safe antidepressants you can take whilst pregnant.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Do you have RL friends and family? Now is the time to confide and ask for help. Nobody will judge you or think you are a bad mother.

There is one horrible person in this sorry situation. It most certainly isn't you.

Keep posting. Things will get better.