In a mess...

[Shineywhiney]

Hello I have been reading here for a very long time, trying to make sense of my relationship. At first I came here as I wanted ideas on how I could improve on things with my husband as I just couldn't understand his treatment of me and I thought it must have been my fault- he would always tell me he needed something more from me but would never elaborate on what.

This board however has truly opened my eyes. I had never heard of emotional abuse yet I have finally admitted to myself that that is what is happening to me. And crikey that is hard to accept!

After seven years of not knowing which way was up, of questioning myself over every decision I made, of doubting myself, deferring to him, being scared to speak if he seemed in a mood, we have separated.

I am so terrified. I can't eat. I can't stop crying. All I want to do is stay in bed. But I need to get myself together. I need to find work, I need to be able to be a good mum to our two small boys.

I hate myself but I have begged him to come home. Although I was the one to say it was over, he then moved out and seemingly has moved on. He hasn't really seen much of the children over Christmas and can't get out of the house and away from me quick enough when he does come over to pick them up and drop them back. I can't understand why I feel so devastated but it hurts so much when I see him.

So, on the off chance I saw an advert for the freedom programme which is being run locally. I don't know what possessed me but I just called up and booked a place on the course. I am already doubting whether I should go- maybe his treatment of me wasn't that bad? It can't have been if I miss him so much? I am even wondering if he was right when he told me that i am the abusive one, that i have issues with my temper. I dont recognise myself in how he describes me but as I say, I feel so confused that i dont really know who I am anymore.

My head is a mess and my heart hurts. Is the course a good idea? Can someone please talk to me? Thank you

Hi I am here to talk if you need to.

You are going through a real rough phase but your strength in looking for a way out and realising that there has to be a better place for you will see you through.

Go on the course, take every opportunity you can and what is meant to be will be.

I imagine you will find someone much more suited to you. It shouldn't be this hard to be in love x

I'm sorry you're struggling but it sounds as though the Freedom Course is an excellent idea for you. You see, the whole way EA works is that it gradually reduces your confidence to the point where all that is left is fear, anxiety and doubt. The abuser makes the victim so dependent and so frightened that, even when they get the courage to get away, they become depressed & believe they can't function independently. I think that's where you are now. You don't miss him but you don't think you can cope soloe

In addition to the Freedom Programme do you have RL support? Have you talked to your GP?

Thank you so much Gecko. I just feel so pathetic. I had that moment of strength and clarity and was able to tell him it was over and yet since then he has been so horrible to me and the kids and all the while I have been begging him to come back. We had a fight a week ago and I haven't seen him since yet I would probably still agree to him coming home if he wanted to. Not that he actually does. I am driving myself mad thinking that he has started seeing someone else. To be able to walk away from your family with no second look I don't understand how he can be so cruel.

And yet he has been so cruel to me throughout our marriage so why am I surprised?? Aargh, I am so confused. I feel like such a failure even though my rational mind knows I tried every thing and that nothing I did would ever have been right.

Cogito, thank you too. Yes that sounds about right- I have no idea how I will cope alone let alone look after the children on my own too. He is pretty hands off when it comes to parenting and his work schedule will mean he won't be around to have them very often. Am heartbroken at the impact this is having on the children especially the oldest who is nearly 5. He picks up on so much and I am being so short tempered with them.

I am lucky I suppose- I don't have many friends but my closest friend has been a rock and I feel I can turn to her if I need to. My family don't live close by but are supportive and his family have also been supportive. I don't know how long that will last though as blood is thicker than water etc but I will take their help if it is offered. I would feel a bit daft going to the GP- what would I say?

Tell a GP that you have just left an abusive relationship, you feel like you can't cope and can they recommend any type of treatment to help you through these early days. You've got the Freedom Programme already organised and they may think you might benefit from medication to get you through these early days and past the point where you still think you should get back together. Or you may not want to go that route and instead ask them to recommend additional counselling.

The children will probably take their cue from you how to respond. It's Ok to explain that you're sad at the moment - you don't have to plaster on a smile 24/7. It's even OK to be short-tempered as long as you apologise.

Would caution against seeking support from his family. Anything you say or do will go straight back to him.

Hi Op....i too was a victim of EA. My EAer left me in July. I still at times want him back but thats a trick of theirs...they still have some cotrol and feel you cant function without them. My EAer also made me seem at fault. He used to gaslight me...make me believe i had said and done things i hadnt.
I am 5 months down the ine and in a much better place. We are friends for the childrens sake. Ive got some of my confidence back, ive lost weight, got highlights and look better. My friends and family say i look and sound more like my old self.
I urge you to join the EA thread on here. The ladies there were my strength.
Take care.

Yes I suppose counselling may help. I would feel a fraud for asking for anti depressants as I am not depressed I don't think, just hugely stressed and anxious. I am so worried I would just sit there and burst into tears. It is very hard admitting to myself that the relationship was (still is) abusive, I struggle with the thought of saying out loud to a doctor. Something to think about, thank you.

His family are very odd and I don't trust them at all. But I have limited child care options at the moment and they have said they will help me with the children. I will need to go to appointments and interviews soon I guess so I will need people to help me in the short term. I need to find a childminder but I am torn as the kids are acting up at the moment so I don't want to rock their world again by putting them into child care straight away. Feel like everything is so scary- trying to imagine myself working again and it makes me feel sick. I used to have a great job earning good money but I am a nervous wreck now. I don't know how I will juggle that with having two small children either. I keep telling myself that millions of other people manage...but how will I when I feel so weak? Sorry, it is helping to get all of this out of my head

Flora, thank you. Yes I have been silently gaining strength from the EA thread. It helps to know you don't have the only FW in the world! So glad to hear you are in a better frame of mind. I think my big sticking point is the fact that after all he has done to me, he has been the one to call it a day and leave me. That I am sat here begging him. I feel so angry with myself- why have I let him do this to me?! How have you managed to become friends? I just can't imagine ever getting to that point. We have always had a love/hate relationship and when I have to see him or speak to him my body still reacts. It's like I get nervous and the adrenaline starts pumping, getting ready for the next bout of arguing.

As for the weight loss, yes it's probably not to be recommended as a diet plan but I definitely have lost weight this Christmas!

Hi Shiney. Freedom programme sounds like a great idea. Go for it!

Also from your last post you are almost tumbling over yourself in all the things you think you have to sort out now. All those decisions you have to make are getting piled into one big pile.

It is very early days and thinking about all these decisions at once can be overwhelmng so try and break them down into categories e.g. short medium and long term. You don't have to do everything at once. It is OK to delay some stuff. Making lists might help. Seeing CAB might help with some of the practicalities and seeing the GP might help too, even if you don't want medication.

Here's the Rights of Women website which can be a good resource for those practical matters too.

Also maybe keeping a diary or starting to write down what your husband did or said to you as you remember it will help clarify in your mind that it was abuse. It might also show you how often he did it to you. Could be useful for the Freedom Programme too.

Bascially, try taking small steps over the next few weeks rather than looking at everything at once as the problems will seem unsurmountable.

Hope you are OK x

Shiney....my FW also called it a day. I came home from a few daysaway with the kids and he had packed up and left, leaving me a business like letter and a letter for my eldest who is only 10! I had no ideahe had beenn planning this. I found out a month later hed been with another woman which lasted only a few weeks.
I am still angry and ive tried the whole handing over kids without talking but ive relaxed a bit. I feel i have some control back as its me that sets the agenda. He occasionally comes for tea and we have a family day out but its my doing as its important my children dont see us bicker.
Ive started online dating recently and its been a real confidence boost. My FW used to say i was a fat mess.im a size 12-14 so curvy not fat. Ive discovered there are men who love the way i look.
Im not saying you are ready for that but know that you are a fabulous beautiful person away from your EAer.

You are right scallops, I need to breathe don't I. I hate not having a plan in place. He has said he will help financially, over and above what he has to pay for the children, for the short term so I can keep paying the mortgage and the bills. But then he gets so angry with me that I don't really trust him to keep his word. So I want to get myself independent from him as soon as possible. But yes, in the short term we are ok and I need to take some time to get myself together a bit before I pile on even more stress. I have started and filled in all my benefits forms, which was so upsetting. But i keep telling myself that it is a short term measure for now.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice.

Oh Flora, unbelievable he could write you and your child a letter. So cold. My husband has also been so cold to me. They really are a different subspecies aren't they. Great that you feel more in control around him- I feel so out of control at the moment. I want him to acknowledge that he is being a total shit to me but he will never see it.

Oh yes I had the comments on my appearance too- too skinny for his liking (lost lots of weight due to stress of a bereavement) and didn't like my hair or my clothes. Was too boring for not wanting to drink, too miserable (again, shortly after the bereavement). Yes, I will write all these things down as a list I think. It will help me remember more clearly. At the moment I am holding on to the good times but even they were few and far between.

"I don't really trust him to keep his word. "

That's a fairly good assumption and why you should be getting legal advice and formalising a lot of this before he has chance to change his mind. Independence is a good long-term aim but, short-term, if he's offering to help financially, make sure it's legally binding.

Agree with Cogito. I went to a lawyer and got an official separation date.

Yes I have made an appointment for next week once my oldest is back at school. Husband has said he wants to sort it all out between ourselves but I feel so intimidated by him and he is so good at manipulating and dominating conversations that I feel more comfortable with arming myself with some legal advice.

Can't believe this is actually happening though.

Definitely a solicitor is the way to go. He only says to sort it out between yourselves because he knows he has a better chance of manipulating you.

It will also help limit the direct communication between the two of you and help you disengage.

Shiney, well done for addressing the problems so early on, it was very brave of you. You could have stuck with it and spent the next 20 years knowing that you were being subjected to EA. I admire you and you have done your DC a favour. It won't seem like that now but what you have done is given yourself a chance at living the life you deserve without someone sabotaging your best attempts to do so. You are better off without him.

I note your comments about being depressed and medication. I was in your shoes a long time ago and like you I wasn't depressed but I was highly anxious. I didn't know then that you can take medication for anxiety. It took me another 12 years or so to realise it and only then when I faced an extremely tough time. My doctor is fantastic and talked me through some options., She rescribed a low dose of anti-depressants along with a beta blocker. I am not pushing you towards medication but they certainly helped me. I wasn't on them for long and would not hesitate to go back on them if I went through another crisis. My doctor also saw me every week for a chat which helped massively. Again I am not recommending anything I just want to tell you my experience.

I wish you well, you really are better off without him even though you don't realise it now. You have so many experiences to look forward to now. I wish you well and again well done for being a great example to your DC.