Questioning issues in my relationship

[whitedoor]

I think I need some help trying to work through my state of mind regarding my marriage but I'm finding it really difficult to see the issues clearly. I've been trying to pluck up the courage to post for a while.

I'm not sure if my husband is properly unreasonable or just a bit difficult. He's always been fiery / high maintenance but recently I have started to look back on some of his behaviours and words to me and question things. He's quite stompy/huffy when he's in a mood about something. Won't tolerate loud clattering noises from anyone else but this is fine if he is feeling aggrieved by something. I have seen him bang / throw things (but not at me) in temper. I often feel like I can't do the right thing. If he feels stressed by whatever (eg xmas), he gets himself wound up to the point of snapping and ends up sending verbal bombs at me, and then wants to be all friendly 5 minutes later. I tried explaining that the things he says - well actually more the way he says them in - hurt me and I then can't just carry on with chit chat as normal. I told him it feels a bit like a physical pain but he just laughed this off and seemed to think I was being melodramatic.

If I am upset about the way he has spoken to me and I challenge him, there is always an explanation about how I should have behaved in order to avoid the outburst. So in some way it turns out to have been is my fault each time. He commonly says it is down to my selfishness, and that I never put myself in his shoes (regarding the things he may be stressed and worried about).

There are some things that although in the past still really resonate with me and I seem to be recalling them now for some reason, wondering how I let the incident go. When my ds was three weeks old I got an out-of-the-blue rant in the middle of the night for sitting up in bed and feeding him. Did I not realise H was due back in work the next day and how could I be so selfish? Of course I had to get up and take him into another room to feed. I was so dumbstruck I just did it.

Another one in the days of having a very young baby getting ranted at for not having washed his sons school shirt (being unaware there was only one available and also unaware this had suddenly become my responsibility).

He is very particular about tidiness and it is a constant source of tension that the house is, in his words "a shit tip". It isn't though. It isn't show home standard but it's perfectly presentable. Normally I do all of the housework, laundry, ironing, supermarket shopping and cooking, and I wouldn't even mind this if it weren't for the constant sarcastic comments and digs about the state of the house.

These are isolated incidents, but every time something like this happens it is like he is chipping away at my feelings for him and I am worried there won't be much left if he carries on. I am also concerned for my ds hearing and witnessing this stuff and thinking it is normal and ok. I did have a really sheltered upbringing though with parents who literally never fought and this has made me quite shy of conflict and overall pretty rubbish at dealing with it. So I don't know if some of this is just normal and I'm being a wimp.

I have thought seriously about leaving but I want to protect my DS. My husband would definitely demand at least 50/50 custody (whole other thread on how ridiculous this is - I would write more here but don't want this to be stupidly long). I have witnessed first hand his relationship with his children from previous marriage, the stress and agro over little things and I don't want my son in that sort of environment. While we stay together and I ensure things are done in the background then I feel he is sheltered. He also genuinely worships his dad, to the point of always going to him over me if we are both around. Which is again a whole other thread as I have insecurities about this. DS would probably be totally miserable if I took him away from daddy. I can't seem to see a way forward. Life with him is generally very serious and stressful. In my mind it should be more easy going, fun, teamwork and just nicer. Why is it such hard work!

It's hard work living with a bully. Yes he's properly unreasonable and exhibiting a lot of the traits of an abusive man. Petty, aggressive, verbally abusive, unreasonable, blaming others rather than taking responsibility, nit-picking, lazy, double-standards. Horrible

The 'test' if you like is your reaction. You are probably being bullied if you feel anxious in your own home when he's there but relaxed if he isn't. You are probably being bullied if you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' and can't speak or act naturally or express an opinion. You are probably being bullied if your confidence is ebbing away or you feel isolated and alone. You are probably being bullied if you are too embarrassed to talk to others about his behaviour.

Your DS would not be totally miserable if you split. Yes, 50/50 parenting would probably be the start-point but very often selfish bullies simply threaten that in order to keep you in line. In reality they don't actually want to care for a toddler.

I'd suggest you contact WA 0808 2000 247 and ask them for advice

Don't underestimate how much of your DS's 'worship' for his daddy might be placating behaviour. No wonder he always goes to his father - he has learned (just have you have) where his attention needs to be focussed .

Your h is a nasty abusive prick. Does he have 50/50 custody of his other children?

I suspect your DC adores Daddy because he sees him as the authority-afterall, you bow to him too. Even thought at times you stand up for yourself, I assume you later avoid that "behaviour" to save an argument next time?

It really does read like it can't be a long term arrangement as things stand.

Children of abusive, bullying fathers learn to be delightful around them in order to keep them sweet. What looks like adoration can often be fear and anxiety.

Thank you, I am shocked you recommended WA but will give the whole thing some serious consideration.

Some of the things on the bully list ring true. H had a weekend away a while ago and DS and I had a lovely time on our own. I often look forward to him coming home but then wish he was gone again after 5 minutes as he will make some comment or be in a horrible mood.

Yes he has 50/50 custody of his other children.

Yes CarryOn for example since shirt-gate I always do all the DSSs laundry even though I feel it shouldn't necessarily be my responsibility, It is just avoids the whole stomping/huffing performance, which would be in front of my stepsons too which makes me feel worse.

Its the stuff in relation to my DS that is really worrying me. CarryOn you are quite right, he is bossy/snappy towards me in front of DS a lot and I think DS maybe picks up on that and sort of displays loyalty behaviour to his dad in his own 2 year old way, is that how it works? Its almost like they are ganging up on me and I feel redundant.
If I challenge H he will get in a proper strop, slam doors and make comments like mummy obviously knows best as usual. Something like this happened last night and DS immediately rejected me when I then tried to comfort him. I have fairly good self esteem I think but I have been increasingly worried that H just IS a better parent than me or DS loves him more. I try to tell myself this cannot be true, and that DS just favours time with DH because he is normally at work or busy, whereas I am just always there so am less exciting.
I don't understand much about how this dynamic might work, what would happen if we did separate would DS eventually fall into a more normal relationship with H or would he constantly idolise him and want to be with him all the time like he does now?
Even when we go on holiday where DS is assured of H attention all the time he still never seems to calm down and realise he has it, he still wants Daddy constantly.

I sometimes catch myself not doing what I instinctively think is best for DS because I am wary of H reaction. EG DS having some sort of nightmare, I know if H was away I would just pick up crying DS and cuddle him. If H is in the house I second guess everything as I just know he will say I am making it worse whatever course of action I take. So I just kind of freeze waiting for him to come in and take charge.

I'm really sorry for the long replies I've just had these thoughts swimming round in my head for weeks and really grateful to get them out.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. He has preyed on your nice nature and using it to manipulate you.

You and your ds will be much better off without him. Yes, it will be hard for you to begin with. But you will then be able to mother your son the way you want to, rather than how your OH expects you too.

I hopw you see him for how he is very soon and take steps to have a bully free future for you and ds xx

Do your stepchildren idolise their father? Do they emulate his behaviour and treat you (or their mother) with the same contempt? Do they think he's a prick and stay out of his way? .... that's the future for DS I'd suggest.

I think it's horribly sad that you have to think twice before comforting your own baby. And I can't be the only one that thinks it's equally sad that a 2yo is being encouraged to be disloyal to Mummy by his father.... or that he constantly craves Dads attention. Kids learn from an early age to stay on the good side of the bully.

Your ds sees what happens to people who don't kowtow to daddy. Siding with "bad" mummy = fury and rejection from daddy whereas you love him and are kind no matter what (as a parent should). Your son is being taught to reject and doubt you by his father poor thing.

In terms of day to day care of his children how much does he do?

No OP you're not being a wimp. It never fails to amaze how the least hands-on types are so often quickest to criticise. However long you may have tolerated such behaviour, it is unreasonable to have to endure it any longer. For whatever reason H's first marriage ended, if anything he should be working harder to make this relationship work, but that's not happening.

Over the next few days, start looking into what support you have, how your finances are; don't feel guilty about doing so because you need love and respect for a marriage to work and your H is short-changing you. You sound fearful that DS is already lost to you.

Do you have family nearby? If you start to feel increasingly uncomfortable at home I would consider packing some clothing and any vital documents for you and DS, drive or get a taxi to a station if necessary and get to a place of love and support. Then, you can think about your marriage and your prospects, hard to do when trapped and your options seem limited. Easier to relocate before DS starts nursery or pre-school.

He is a horribly abusive man and he has done a number on you to the extent that he has undermined your confidence in your own mothering

Awful, awful man.