New DP with EA ex-wife - she's ruining things

[secondchanceathappiness]

After being on my own following marriage break-up, I have met a wonderful man who is treating like I should have been treated years ago. The problem is his ex-wife. Their marriage broke up due to her infidelity, she didn't want him, he moved out and we got together (no cheating onhis part).
As with most emotional abusers, him finding happiness wasn't part of her plan and she is now being totally hideous to him. The texts he gets from her are downright nasty, she is using the kids to get to him, she shouts, he runs and it is all getting me down. He is terrified of her and despite me telling him how amazing he is he only hears the put-downs from her.
Does anyone have any experience of this? Am I fighting a losing battle? He is filing for divorce but I'm dreading what is going to happen. Any advice or words of wisdom would be great to hear now! Many thanks.

You are in for a very rocky ride, I'm afraid.

If his exW is truly 'using the kids' then he needs to minimise this unpleasant state of affairs as much as possible, eg through a contact order seeking shared residence.

He needs to minimise contact with the exW.

If he won't do this, you have to wonder if he is yet ready for a happy relationship with you.

You may need to give him an ultimatum, and mean it, I'm afraid.

yes what Liney said

Sadly, it's not your battle to fight. By rights, what he should do is close down all contact to written only, keep records and reduce the amount of influence she has in his life. He should probably seek some kind of counselling for survivors of traumatic relationships. He should certainly stop running when she shouts. But he'll probably do none of those things for fear of losing contact with his kids.

So all I can say to you is to look out for yourself. You've come through a marriage break-up and you probably don't need a relationship that makes you feel down. You deserve someone's full attention and a bit of peace. A thoroughly nice man with too much baggage can be the wrong man, unfortunately.

I would back off until he is divorced, no need to be someone's emotional crutch.

Cogito you are so right! I am starting to feel down, despite the fact I think the world of him I know he has to feel right about himself. I went for counselling having come from an EA relationship with my ex. It worked wonders for me. I will try and gently persuade him to seek out some counselling.
you are also correct about the kids. He loves them so much and boy, is she playing on that. She really doesn't realise how lucky she is when I read some of the threads on here about fathers and their lack of responsibility/contact with the kids. Her behaviour makes me ashamed to be of the same sex... thanks for your replies.

Does he have a formal contact arrangement, OP? (I am assuming the children are young, btw.)

I think your new DP needs to find a shrink to help him garner the strength to stand up to his exW. This is true whether or not you decide to stick with him. Maybe you could help him find the right person? You have nothing to lose by doing this and maybe much to gain.

No, no formal arrangement yet: it's all at her convenience and mood. He has had a free consultation with a solicitor and is waiting on a call back to arrange to get the ball moving in terms of sorting out a formal contact arrangement. He doesn realise that this is the way to go, but is equally terrified of how she will react. His biggest fear is losing contact with the kids (yes they are young!). is a formal arrangement legally binding. i.e. will she face consequences if she doesn't stick to it?

Sorry that should have read 'he DOES realise that this is the way to go'!!

Oops. Read the op's first post which sounded horribly familiar and passed it to DP, saying maybe he could respond. Maybe I should have scrolled down first to see the responses saying to issue ultimatums and run, if needs be!! He's gone a bit quiet

That said, I can't disagree with the advice. DP has never formalised arrangements and is therefore at the mercy of whatever mood his ex is in. After four years he has now decided that he has to take this step in order to protect himself and the kids.

It has been a long four years of ruined evenings, spoiled holidays and much upset. I don't think either of us would willingly go through it again so if you can spare yourself some of the pain now then do so!! Personally I never managed to issue an ultimatum, but then again I was made too ill by the stress of it all to do so!

What I don't understand is that she finished it, not him, yet she chooses to punish him for their relationship being over. I guess the grass wasn't as green as she thought... Sounds like your DP's ex was also overly optimistic on that score.

This shit is too close to your experience, that'll trigger you to bits, it'll drive you mental!

This relationship is not right for you, it's to teach you something and move on. It's a transition relationship not a destination relationship.

I think the only Sane thing for you both to do would be for you to leave him to sort it out. He can't drag someone like you into this.

I went out with a guy for a year, his ex was batty and the situation was (and undoubtedly still is) destroying their child. It physically hurt to see that, and drove me to murderous tendencies when she pulled her stunts: fucking up valentines, punishing her child whenever my Boyf and I had done something nice, making her ds feel guilty for being happy. The poor kid has no chance. I ended the relationship for other reasons, but by god i'm glad I did, as not having to live in the midst of all that angst, anxiety and dysfunction is so much nicer!

If she's this toxic and abusive, why are the children with her? Seriously? He needs to go for custody to protect them.

Otherwise they'll grow up just like her.

Just spoke to DP who has suggested he speak to some of her friends if he gets on with them as he found speaking to his ex's friends to be helpful. Not in a 'she's a bitch' kind of a way but in a ' does she need some kind of help or support?' way.

Ditto speaking to her parents if he is still amicable with them. Doing so helped DP understand the depth of his ex's depression and he was able to encourage her to go to the doctor as a result. It might be that the ex is in a similar situation although she could just be being a vindictive cow for no reason.

In our situation it escalated into excessive drinking as well during which some very hurtful things were said and done. In hindsight brushing his ex's behaviour under the carpet did no one any favours, least of all her.

I don't regret being with DP but I do regret how much negativity she brought into our relationship and how much her influence still affects DP. Like you say, once someone is used to hearing negative things about them they never seem to hear the positive. DP is very commitment phobic - happy to bimble along from day to day but unable to countenance living together or marriage - and I wonder how much of this is down to him being told he was crap. He's convinced he's going to fuck us up and, let's face it, unless he can change his perception of himself it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He has just agreed to see a counsellor, thank god, which I hope will give him the space and freedom to discuss his old relationship and understand, and hopefully address, its lasting legacy. I think he may be shocked to realise how abusive she was and I hope he will be proud of himself for coming through it and still being the sort of lovely dad who fights to see his kids.

How long since they split up? He needs to sort his separation out before moving on...

My other gut feeling from your post is be very careful taking sides in a separation when you only know one party. Was she really abusive and unfaithful? How do you really know? The whole story may be different and I think the fact that everything is her fault and he is just a victim is something to be wary of if you can't verify it elsewhere.

Wow ladies, thank you so much for your wise words. I had a long chat with him last night and told him that I'm not willing to be dragged into a long acrimonius break-up (having come through one entirely on my own in the last 18 months). He agreed and has also agreed to minimise contact with her unless it is to do with pick up and drop off of the children. He is also going to seek legal advice and get the divorce sorted ASAP. I'm back at work next week, and won't be around for support as much, which will be a good thing as it will make him go and sort stuff out (... or not - in which case I will definitely be gone - I have made that quite clear!). Thanks again for sharing your stories. It is much appreciated. xxx